Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-02-24T15:59:18-08:00 2 daily To the owner of the dog who took a shit outside my apartment building http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/585508697.html All I have to say is Fuck You for not picking up your dog's shit. The dog park is literally 25 meters away. You couldn't make your stupid dog wait 2 minutes? No. Instead, I step in your dog's steaming pile of crap on the SIDEWALK right in front of my building. Even after I took my shoe off, and left it outside my apartment building, I could still smell your dog's shit all hovering around me like a toxic cloud. Have you never had to clean dog shit out off of a pair of New Balance runners before? Maybe you should take a look at how many ridiculous grooves there are in the soles. Meanwhile, I try to delicately rinse off your dog's shit in my bathroom sink, little bits of shit water splashing all over my clean hoodie and jeans. I start gagging because I can taste the dog shit steam . No matter how careful I am, shit water runs over into the actual shoe, soaking right through. Puking a little in my mouth, I run away... just to come back to my fucking cat taking drink of your dog's shit water in the sink. You asshole. The kicker of it all is I just bought a brand new toothbrush. I haven't even used it for 3 days, and then I get to use it to clean out all of your dog's shit out of every single fucking groove of the soles. Dog owners in Downtown Vancouver beware: the next time I see you NOT pick your dog's shit, I will be glad to pick it up for you. You just don't want to know what I am gonna do with it.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Bute &amp; Nelson <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-24T15:59:18-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/585508697.html To the owner of the dog who took a shit outside my apartment building text Letter from a rare form of female(?) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/457057427.html Dear Booty Call: We have an animal attraction. If I happen to want some good sex, I'll call you. Sometimes you're free, sometimes not. Sometimes you call me. Sometimes I'm free, sometimes I'm not. You are good in bed; we are good in bed together. The only irritating thing in this otherwise perfect arrangement is that big fat ego of yours. While you have made it clear that you do not want a relationship, you reeeeealllly don't seem to buy the fact that I'm not emotionally attached to you. You are puzzled that I don't call you more often, and even more shocked when I don't want to spend the whole night together. Get over it. A few reasons why this is: 1. I CONSIDER YOU A PIECE OF MEAT. Know how you just want to fuck? Yep, that's right...I just want to fuck too. I know you think you are god's gift and the smartest person alive, but you are not. The bonus of a booty call? Less talking. More fucking. 2. Personally, I don't really like you. You aren't that interesting, or very nice. You are good looking and have good *assets*. Perfect for what I need you for. Done deal. 2. I like my space. I like it better with only me in it. 3. My bed is fucking awesome, and I don't like to share. Especially with someone who snores, steals the covers, and sweats profusely. Don't get me wrong - a little sleep sweat is fine. Enough sweat to cover us both AND make me think you pissed on the sheets? Not acceptable. Please exit the premises when activities have come to a full and complete stop. FYI - If I wanted a relationship, I would stop sleeping with you and find someone I can actually tolerate outside of the bedroom. Sincerely, Your fuck buddy  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-23T03:07:03-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/457057427.html Letter from a rare form of female(?) text Wanted: One Male Bed-Filler http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/424458125.html Im just another busy person always on the go. I recently moved to a new place and bought a fantastic bed that I love. While so caught up in my day to day life, I have not had time to develop a romantic relationship lately. But when I come home at the end of the day and get in bed, it feels very empty. I have thus decided to take applications for a bed-filler. This is NOT a sex thing. If anything, it might be more appropriate to post this in the housewares section but anyways. Me: -25 years old, straight single female -58, blond, hazel eyes, thick/curvy -often restless/occupied when I get in bed; in need of soothing, relaxation My bed: -1 full sized bed, located in nice room in nice basement suite -clean sheets -2 new pillows for sleeping none of those annoying throw pillows -1 blue fleece blanket decorated with reindeer (dont ask) -room temperature kept cool as to facilitate snuggling (see below) I require: -one straight, single man -between the ages of 25 and 30 years old -minimum 6 feet tall, 62 is better, 64 is most desireable and also the maximum height sought -must practice good hygiene, smell pleasant and regularly manscape if his body hair is excessive in volume -piercings and tattoos to be considered on individual basis -must enthusiastically cuddle, snuggle and spoon me -must NOT scratch himself excessively in the morning and NEVER Dutch-oven me -must limit alcohol intake to 2 beers on any night he is acting as bed-filler -must seek medical consul if he consistently snores when not drunk, sick -should occasionally play with my hair What the successful applicant receives: -the satisfaction of helping me sleep better -sleeping with a girl whos hair always smells nice -free dream interpretation in the morning (just a weird gift I have) Applicants who can demonstrate ESP skills, thus knowing which nights and at what times I need my bed-filler without my explicit request, will be given priority in the short listing phase. Amusing and/or insightful pillow talk may be rewarded with kisses or tea (to be decided at the discretion of the bed-filler). Thanks and good luck! <img src=424458125.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Kits, Kerrisdale, Dunbar <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-16T23:58:30-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/424458125.html Wanted: One Male Bed-Filler text Is This YOUR Marijuana!?!?!?!?!?!? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/422643153.html Yesterday, I got a small padded envelope in the mail, returned to my address in North Vancouver because it needed a customs declaration attached. Trouble is, I never sent this particular parcel. My wife looked it over, and we realized that it had the right address, but there was no such apartment number. We looked up the name at the top, but there is no R. Kent in the phone book, nor any people with the same last name with a similar street number. A quick search on Canada Posts website reveals the postal code to be valid on a nearby street. My wife opened it, and you can imagine our reaction to its contents. We debated if it was a friend playing a joke on us, or if it was intended to be found and cause trouble. However, Canada Customs never found out about the contents, so the point is rendered moot. I will keep the contents for now, and remail the envelope with a photo of its former contents with a short note saying if he gets in touch with the person how mailed it orginally, he can drop by and retrieve it. He better hurry though, as I only intend to hang onto it for so long.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: My Mailbox <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  <img src=422643153.1.jpg> <img src=422643153.2.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-14T14:50:38-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/422643153.html Is This YOUR Marijuana!?!?!?!?!?!? text Road Rage http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/366721693.html So, driving home from work today I have some fuckwad tailing me, just banging on the horn. I look in my rear view and it is some dork in a BMW or Mercedes or some other overpriced piece of shit. I can see dude's veins bulging in his forehead and literally I can see the specks of saliva splashing off the windshield and he is LEAAAANNNNNING over the steering wheel yelling at me as if this was going to help me hear him better. By the looks of him, he is a pretty big dude. So, unluckily for me, I have to stop at a light. At this point, my girlfriend is kind of freaking out. I am probably, 5-7 or 5-8 with my hair standing up and don't weigh much more than a buck fifty, maybe 60 after a big meal. Never been much of a fighter, didn't really have to. I have to say, it kind of freaked me out. So, of course Mr Testosterone has to get out of his car and confront me. Like I said, he looked big, and when he got beside me, unfortunately again for me, he was probably 6-2 and maybe 200-220. Dressed in a pretty sharp suit with no jacket and his tie loosened. Probably had a pretty bad day as he proceeded to call me everything but an english speaking white man. On and on, if I was to get out of the car he'd beat my ass blah blah blah. Finally he called me a little cocksucker and then he told my GF that I was a bitch. LOL. The old bitch card. So, I continued to look straight ahead, I rolled my window down, maybe a 1/3, not quite half and asked him if he was having a bad day. Without warning, Road Rage Guy punches at me. Fucking longest light in the history of Vancouver right here...sadly for him, his big fucking mitt hit most of my window--shaking his hand he yelled for me to get out of the car--LOL, here is where it gets funny. I am still looking straight over my steering wheel. He takes one step closer to the car to open it as the light changes. Again, sadly for this fucking meathead, I had already locked the door, still looking ahead, I lunge through my partially opened window, grab him by his tie and pull him towards my car, frantically I rolled up my window and hit the gas, dragging this fuckwad through the intersection--have you ever seen a cursing, swearing salesman do a sidestep at 15 KM/H? I am still kind of laughing, and of course my GF thinks it is hilarious--I am still a little pissed off that I didn't hit 30 and drag this fucking monkey through the streets of Vancouver. So, if you were the dork that assaulted me, too bad you are a such dick head, but I sincerely hope that you have another tie and pair of dress shoes, those shoes have to be scuffed the fuck up. I do admire your agility at running beside my car doing cross overs. Your football training probably saved your life.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Hiways and the Biways <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-04T19:24:49-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/366721693.html Road Rage text I Really hate transit.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/357525457.html If you live in a city, chances are you do (or will) know the perils of having to ride transit. They're crowded, people smell, and most of us (myself included) have to do this regular commute to and from work 5 days a week. Not including any other time I have to get anywhere as I don't have a vehicle. At some point or other we have come across the people in the list below, today... I came across all 10. I really need a beer right now... 10. THE TEENY BOPPERS. I hate you all. Seriously, you come gallavanting on the bus with 6 of your annoying friends and I immediately turn my ipod up the highest it'll go ... and I can STILL hear your annoying voices over my Rammstein. There's something seriously fucking wrong with that. Nobody gives a shit if Bobbie likes Britney or if Shiella wore a skirt that made her ass look big. Shut the fuck up before I throw you off the bus. 9. THE DRUNK. It's 7:30am and you come staggering on the bus, you're at the back, I'm at the front and I can still smell your alcoholic stench all the way at the front of the bus. What makes it worse, I hear you open a can at the back of the bus only to continue your drunkeness and talk to the invisible friend behind next to you. Then you ring your stop, stumbling to the front, only to practically fall in my lap when the bus driver suddenly stops the bus. Charming. Thanks. 8. KIDS. Ok. I understand sometimes the bus is the only mode of transportation for some parents, and that you do need to bring your kids on the bus. That's fine. If they're well-behaved. Then there are the parents who sit there like they're oblivious to the fact that their child is SCREAMING so loud that only DOGS can hear them, as loud and long as they can just for the sake of screaming. It's 7:30 in the morning, now I know you're probably used to this sort of thing but this is not a sound that a lot of passengers appreciate at ANY time of day, let alone at the ass-crack of dawn. Your kids make me want to get my damn tubes tied. 7. DUMBASS ON THE CELL PHONE. Everyone has cell phones, and everyone talks on them on the bus. That's fine. But don't talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise, well we all know your secret. If you're a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding a bus? We all know you're a shift leader at McDonald's so shut the fuck up, and stop talking to your mom because she's probably not impressed either. 6. YOU HAVE CRABS. Seriously, the people who buy fish and then get on the bus - which proceeds to stink up the entire damn bus. It's crowded, it's stuffy and now it smells like fish (along with every other person on the bus who hasn't worn deoderant or showered in a month but we'll get to that ...). Seriously, gross. Pay the extra few bucks and get a cab. 5. YOU HAVE LUGGAGE. You get on the bus and seriously have 2 MASSIVE garbage bags full of crap or a bunch of suitcases, which you proceed to sit in the middle of the aisle so that whomever gets on the bus can't get past unless they risk breaking their neck. Honestly, this is what cabs are for. They have these things called TRUNKS that are made to fit obnoxious amounts of crap like that. 4. DIPSHIT WHO NEVER HAS THEIR SHIT READY. You know who you are. You're the asshole who gets on the bus and then proceeds to have to count out the exact change, or find their bus pass/transfer. It's not that hard to have your shit ready BEFORE the bus gets there, unless you were running late. Then you complain and beak at the bus driver for starting the bus and causing you to lose your balance while you still fish around for your change! Seriously dude, it's your own damn fault and if he waits for your slow ass you're going to make me later than I already am. One of these days the driver's going to hit the brakes only to cause you to go flying head first through the windshield - and then I'll be late for work. Move you ass! 3. EXCESSIVELY LOUD LISTENING DEVICES. Now I always have my ipod with me, it keeps those weird people from striking up a conversation with me and basically I love my music. But I know for a fact that not a lot of people are going to want to HEAR my music, so I keep my ipod fairly low so that it doesn't disturb everyone. Then there are people like you who feel the need to keep it as loud as it can possibly go so that everyone on the bus can hear what shitty music taste you have. Sandstorm's been out for the past 6 years dude... 2. DUDE WITH THE COFFEE BALANCED RIGHT BY MY SHOULDER. Spill that on me and I will kill you. 1. YOU SMELL. This is definitely the number one annoyance when riding transit. It's crowded, it's hot out, it's stuffy in there and you reek like you've pissed yourself 8 days ago and are still wearing the same clothes you soiled yourself in. I feel that there should be a stench detector at the doors of the bus so if in fact you DO smell a very loud obnoxious alarm comes on with a voice clearly stating, "You smell like ass - get the fuck off the bus and go shower you disgusting pig." Then there's the one who doesn't wear deoderant. His arm is raised up to hold onto the pole above my head, therefore putting your stinky armpit RIGHT in my face - I'm seriously going to kick you in the shin the next time you do this. Basically to all you stinky bastards - you smell and no one likes you. Thank you - I feel better now.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Vancouver, BC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-21T20:21:46-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/357525457.html I Really hate transit.... text from your pizza delivery girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/346308204.html So after about 2 years of being a pizza delivery girl, Im fed up! 1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although Im not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that havent stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point 2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, dont get offended if I dont. Dont get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but Ive seen enough cliché axe murderer movies to know better. 3. Chances are, though, if youre the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They dont tip. 4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought youd know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip thanks!! My cuteness wont pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I dont carry pennies and thus couldnt give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was lipped off ( think she meant ripped off) Fuck you! 5. If you tell me you cant afford to tip when I get there, you cant afford delivery. 6. If you cant afford delivery charges, you cant afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (were in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he cant afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and youre probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies dont come and fill my tank every night, so dont tell me its my loss when I refuse to deliver to you. 7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: Im not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I dont know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly youve been watching way too many pornos. 8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I dont need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I cant give you my number. What? No, really, Im not into that. 9. Dont get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with dont have a clue as to what a quadrant is I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways? 10. Dont get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guys front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And dont act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And dont leave me no tip me because Im a liar. If I wanted to swing by a friends house on my way to your place, Id say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear! 11. Speaking of traffic The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if Im late because a hummer that has environmental consultants written on it (ah, how I love clichés) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time. Okay, Im off to work now. Be nice to me!!!  <img src=346308204.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-06T12:18:17-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/346308204.html from your pizza delivery girl text Tips for Using Craigslist to Overcome Post-Break-up Depression http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/271419548.html 1. Post daily missives, alternating between maudlin, yet not entirely hopeless, pleas for reunion in Missed Connections, and scathing, wrathful inditements of the other person's character on Rants and Raves when plaintive Missed Connections posts are ignored. If your daily Craigslist ritual seems to be further deepening the chasm of your agony, create a list of tips for others who may also be struggling with the demons of misguided internet therapy. 2. Keep everything as vague as possible. The point of these posts is not to allow the other person to recognize themselves in the weepy or the raging messages you write. Without the cozy cloak of obscurity to hide in, you will run the risk of driving yourself insane with the thought of the person reading your posts and then IGNORING them. Instead, comfort yourself with the knowledge that your posts address universal suffering and collective pain--not one single incident with the jerk who broke up with you while you were attending a conference in Vancouver. 3. Adhere to a jargon-only policy. Use nearly unintelligible titles (nicknames you never actually called the person, first initials of given names only, symbols created holding down the shift and number keys) and extremely obscure references (i.e. lyrics of songs that were playing in the background that time you picked up a six-pack together) when creating the posting. For each true fact, include one completely imaginary item--if you mention a tubing trip down a river last summer that actually happened, cite a line from Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett (never ever refer to the trip directly), then immediately follow with a quote from Wordsworth, to indicate (incorrectly) that you also visited Tintern Abbey near London, England at some point during your relationship. 4. Keep the dirtbag guessing. Ensure that the person you are writing the message for will never ever know for certain that they are the intended audience--but keep the information vague enough so they will also never be able to completely rule themselves out. You will know when you have hit the right mix of poignancy and ambiguity when your messages are followed by a flurry of responses that may include any one of the following phrases: a. You write what I feel; b. Can it be you, (some other person's name here), the one I've been waiting for?; or c. Are you my lost shaker of salt? 5. Make checking Craigslist your new full-time job. For every post you complete, check the list at least five times. An hour. Sacrifice everything in pursuit of this goal--proposals that are due, knitting projects to be completed, cats that in need of food of water. 6. Know that even if some guy out there doesn't like you enough to keep going with your relationship, he might still be amused at the high level of clarity, wit and insight with which you write about the end of your union and you, in turn, may be able to get through a day at some point in the future without thinking of the way his eyes looked when you made him laugh or the way his lips felt when he leaned over to kiss you.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-31T13:41:15-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/271419548.html Tips for Using Craigslist to Overcome Post-Break-up Depression text Credit Card Scam - BE VERY CAREFUL http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/239203614.html I got nailed by this scam last weekend and it still hurts. Someone will approach you pretending to be your "loving wife" complete with gratuitous sex and your favourite snack. She will then subtly ask if you have a balance on your credit card. This is where you MUST answer "Yes, it's completely maxed out", otherwise she will cleverly slip it from your wallet while pretending to enjoy fondling your coconuts. Later that day, while you rest comfortably on the couch remote in hand, your card will be used to purchase half a dozen ridiculously overpriced "sale" items. The scam is so diabolical it resists any recourse by the presentation of one small gift, purchased with your card of course, special for you only. Your "loving wife" will then revert back to "moody hag" and disappear to wherever it is they go while you're in the house. On a happy note, I really like my new Steelers hat, it keeps my head quite dry during my new part time job collecting shopping carts at Superstore.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-24T07:51:42-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/239203614.html Credit Card Scam - BE VERY CAREFUL text 2 effective Methods on bathing a CAT. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/238094636.html First Method 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. ________________________________________________________________________________ Second Method 1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) 2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. 3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) 4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. 5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) 6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. 7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-21T10:04:03-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/238094636.html 2 effective Methods on bathing a CAT. text To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/227818730.html Dear Sexually Satisfied Neighbour: I'd like to express my gratitude that your life has taken a turn for the better and you are once again getting some. You are in fact, getting a lot! After experiencing the not so gradual deterioration in your personal and domestic welfare, I'm grateful for the relief from the fallout of your depression following the split with your last boyfriend. It was extremely sad that the break up coincided with the last hot spell. In your depression it seemed you were unable to dispose of your garbage appropriately, and took to leaving the bags on your balcony where they proceeded to ripen very nicely. The only thing, or in this case, things, preventing the crows from ripping into the bags was the sight of your two dog-sized cats, perched and waiting for the opportunity to pounce. This brings me to another point of gratitude. Thank you for finally cleaning out your cats litter box!. Combined with the smell of ripe garbage, it was drifting into my window and in the heat of summer ... need I say more? I'm shocked your cats did not express their lack of appreciation and reward you with parcels in inappropriate places. Or did they? It was more than a little shocking to see a hot and dazzling beautiful woman transform and lose her sheen and joie de vie! Dont get me wrong, you look hot in Lululemon, but it should be freshly laundered Lulelemon. You can definitely do the no make up thing and look hotter than hot. But you do need to shower and wash your hair at the very least. I'm glad your depression is over and you are once again taking care of your self and have found some one who is also happy to take care of you. Evidently you and your new man are very compatible and he has no problem locating your g-spot for you are once again your beautiful glorious happy regular orgasmic self. Yeah for you! It appears the new man in your life goes by the name of Oh Baby and that he like to hear you scream his name at least three times a night. I hope you and Oh Baby are happy for a long time as I much prefer to see a clean balcony with a few plants on it. I really like being able to open my window without having to test the air to see which direction the wind is blowing. I also like the fact the the crows are no longer circling the area trying to land on your balcony without falling prey to your massive cats While I am glad you are once again being ecstatically fucked into blissdom, you may want to consider closing the windows to your bedroom. The vigorous thrusting and rutting is Olympic grade and the sessions are marathon. Really, I am truly glad for you. However, as I am not directly involved and it is a very regular occurrence, the titillation factor is rapidly diminishing. As our bedrooms are back to back, I have taken to sleeping on my couch in the living room so that there is more than a wall between the sound of your head board hitting the other side of said wall and my ears. Thank god I didn't cheap out and invested in a good couch Truly it is no hardship to sleep there, albeit alone. I'm looking forward to the next month of night shifts as it means I will be able to once again sleep in my own bed without the lusty sound effects intruding on my zzzzz's and making me painfully aware of my current monkish state. I might even volunteer for a second month of nights in the hope that you and Oh Baby will have gotten past this wildly exuberant intoxicating infatuation phase to something less hectic, more heart based and designed for long term love. Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue having wild passionate sex: just something more conducive to living beside neighbours who are not deaf. In the meantime, please continue to enjoy fucking Oh Baby's brains out It makes your skin glow and the spring in your step is delightful. It also provides some great visuals for my morning jerk off in the shower sessions.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> yes -- it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-30T11:18:15-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/227818730.html To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour. text You're lost and I'm sick of waiting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/224746541.html Missed connections...well, I think that my boyfriend missed a connection and I'd really appreciate it if someone could help him catch it. You see, he transferred from the 'dating' line to the 'serious commitment' line but then got off somewhere for some reason and got fucking lost. He should have been trying to make the connecting train on the 'romance' line but I think he's now lingering somewhere on the lazy, effortless platform. He doesn't realise, however, that being on the lazy, effortless platform is not the same as being ON the train. And pretending to wait for the train is a load of shit because I've seen many many opportunities for him to catch said train. I'm currently on the exhausted platform. I'm considering switching my transportation carrier altogether, and maybe opt for a flight on the 'fun, attentive, show-me-the-fucking-love' line. With a more willing travel companion. I'm so tired of waiting for him to stop missing his fucking connection. If and when he finally makes it, I might not be there...   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-23T15:27:29-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/224746541.html You're lost and I'm sick of waiting text Open letter to sappy couples.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html I'm not bitter. I'm happy for all those happy couples out there, good on ya, way to go, glad you found your soul mate. My understanding, however, seems to be that when you're blinded by love, by some process of multiplication, you slowly become blinded to every other fucking thing that surrounds you. It's not your fault - you're in love. Nothing else matters. I get it. However, to ensure that you keep that fuzzy feeling, you'll have to ensure that you're not pissing off the people around you. Because I'm pretty sure that love doesn't protect my fingers from gouging out your puppy-dog eyes. Here are 5 basic guidelines: 1. Making out is great. I agree. You can even do it in public - fine. It's the year 2006, grope Shmoopie all you want. But please, be considerate about where you're foreplaying. On the beach, fine. Movie theatre, I can deal with that. On the bus/skytrain during morning rushhour? Come ON. No one wants to see you making out EVER but this sentiment is doubled before 9am, before coffee, and while sardined on public transit. I can hear your saliva being exchanged, and no, that's not Shmoopie's ass, that's mine. The worst part is that there's nowhere I can go for at least 10 more stops. I feel like I'm imprisoned on a high school field trip bus. Do us all a favour and have a nice morning fuck BEFORE you leave the house. 2. Speaking of "Shmoopie," pet names are fun - they're cute, they're endearing...but to you and only you. We don't think your pet names are cute. In fact, it makes me want to pull a Mary Kate Olson. You have real names - please use them. I want to keep my lunch down and that's not going to happen if I'm forced to sit through the ABCs of every nickname you have for each other, articulated in Paris-Hilton-esque baby talk. You're adults. Use your words. 3. I know that you love your boyfriend. You know HOW I know that? Because you've told me that. Five times. In the last two minutes. I also know how great he is in bed, how sweet he is to you, how/when/where he asked you out, what his dog's name is, where he works, what his grade 3 teacher's name was, what his favourite flavour of ice cream is, and where he buys his fucking underwear. I know he's on your mind, but please talk about something else. And while it's impressive that you have the ability and creativity to incorporate Shmoopie into ANY topic of conversation, it's annoying and no one cares. 4. You're in love, everything is perfect, you found your match. Yee-fucking-ha for you both. Seriously, I'm happy for you. HOWEVER, this does NOT mean that you are now love experts. If you want to get your Ph.D. in the Psychology of Love from an accredited institution, then I might listen to you without smirking or throwing something at your head. But until then, shut the fuck up. I know that I'm single and I'm fine with that. I don't want your tips, advice or patronizing pity. Similarly, being in love does not make you a matchmaker. I don't want to meet your cousin Jim or your coworker Donnie or the guy who picks up the cans from outside your apartment building. If I actually thought that you were trying to make a good match, I'd consider, but I get the feeling that you're the Jehovas Witnesses of Love. Love is not a club or a religion or a cult that you can recruit members into. It happens, and it'll happen to me one day, but it's not going to be with some random guy. "Desparate" is NOT a synonym for "Single" last time I checked. I'm fine, really. I don't need your help. 5. My latest relationship ends. Another failed attempt at love. I'm sad, it sucks, but life goes on. The last thing I want is to be around sappy couples. No offence. I want to hang with my friends. Why, then, do you a) bring along your significant other to remind everyone of your happy-in-love-ways or b) come alone but only talk about how happy you are, when the wedding is, what you're going to name your future children. Did you not get the memo? This is a breakup gathering. For support. It's not all about you. Again, happy for you. Really, truly am. I love you. I love your future spouse. But I don't want to hear about it right now. There's a time and a place for sharing with your friends how happy you are in love, but not when your friend's just been duped by cupid. Why don't you just kick me in the stomach really hard. Seriously. I'm going to puke anyway when you bring out the baby-talk. If you follow these, I guarantee that your friends and family will give you nicer wedding gifts and that strangers won't attempt homicide on either of you.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around kits <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-06T12:22:22-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html Open letter to sappy couples.... text To the guy who crapped in my parking stall last night.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html I'm tempted to start out by saying "You know who you are", but perhaps you don't. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "I broke a loaf in someone's parking stall last night, could he be referring to me?" Maybe you're under the misapprehension that relieving yourself in someone's parking stall is something pretty much everyone does from time to time, like smoking a recreational joint or driving too fast, or eating prime rib. So, to all of you who took a dump in a parking stall last night, let me provide some identifying details to help narrow down which of you I'm referring to. First, you are almost certainly male. Either that or you're the 1976 East German Women's Olympic Gold Medal Weightlifting Champion. There's a slim possibility you're a horse. It's very unlikely that you're homeless. It wouldn't take a PhD in nutrition to figure out that your pre-poop meal was -- how shall I put this? -- adequate. Formidable. Representitive of all the major food groups. You get my point. Still don't know who you are? Stall 146. Green level. Yeah, you. So now that you know who you are, my message to you is rather simple: WTF???? Let me get something across to you. For nearly 4000 years, humans have developed the habit of pooing in toilets. Pooing elsewhere is generally considered at best inappropriate (I'm being generous here), and usually raises the eyebrows of mental health officials, particularly if you're in the vicinity of several 24-hour restaurants more than willing to accomodate your 7-pound growler in exchange for nothing more than a cup of coffee. But, apparently you declined to exert the minimal effort it would have taken to retain your butt shuttle for a block and a half and avoid brown trouting where my Goodyears are supposed to go. If you really feel compelled to fashion a grunt sculpture in a parking stall, you're more than welcome to shell out the $146 monthly fee for a stall of your very own -- plenty of space to for you to deposit fly-infested brownies to your heart's content. You could even entertain guests. Until then, see if you can catch up to the rest of the human race and cram a cork in it, pal. One more thing. To the guy whose (evidently) brand new Dockers discovered the potato a split second before his eyes did -- I feel your pain, man. At least you weren't wearing flip-flops.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-28T12:22:01-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html To the guy who crapped in my parking stall last night.... text Little Old Chinese Ladies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/210007474.html OK, I know what I'm talking about? I mean, I've played rugby for years, I've coached it for years, too. I know good tackling technique and good body position when I see it. And so I stand in awe of some of the Chinese little ancient women who muscle their way into and out of crowded buses. Not only is their timing impeccable, they show all the brutality and ruthlessness you'd hope for in a test-match prop. They may be diminutive, they may not possess the sheer bulk of an international rugby player - but they could teach the All Black forwards a thing or two about body position when entering a ruck. They can get you right under the ribs, from the most unexpected angles, sending you reeling, wondering what hit you. They can headbutt you in the elbow, elbow you in the knees. They can slip from behind you, through the door and away in the time it takes you to lift a foot to step through the door. They move with such speed, skill and deadly aggression that it's a wonder the CIA hasn't recruited all of them to be covert assassins. Perhaps they have. And it's not just on buses. In a throng of people visiting a night market this summer, who were bumping off the citizenry right and left? You guessed it - Chinese little ancient women (CLAW's). Impassively, with only the slightest wrinkling of the brow to belie the concentration needed to inflict the most accidental injury, they would - "bulldoze" is too large and clumsy a word - incise their way like little scalpels through the crowd. And with their lethally hard shoes, no toes were safe. Even when visiting a museum exhibition, with lots of people milling around the main exhibits, I was agog as the throng of CLAWs elbowed me aside and kicked my heels and calves. It was amazing. With great aplomb, and completely ignoring the existence of anyone else, the CLAWs went blithely along, colliding with one another with the regularity and lack of emotion of fairground dodgems. It was like human pinball, ancient bodies careening off each other in all directions. Of course, this substantially increased the likelihood of being battered. The difference, in this instance, from being ribbed by a CLAW stepping off a bus, was that there were dozens of them, all moving in different directions. Walking the length of a single museum room was like doing Niagara in a barrel - but without the protection of the barrel. A nudge here, a knee there, a cranium to the funny bone. NO matter how much I dodged and hopped, sidestepped and swerved, I couldn't avoid continual impact. I reached the far end of the room, bruised and disoriented, thinking seriously of abandoning the whole exhibition and going to find an emergency ward somewhere. What's my point? Well, I figure, with Canada's Chinese population aging, (I read recently that 25 percent of the immigrant populace will be over 65 in a few years' time), that such talent should be harnessed in some way. I challenge anyone out there in readerland to come up with a scheme in which such completely disinterested violence can be put to good use.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Richmond <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-20T14:01:58-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/210007474.html Little Old Chinese Ladies text Sleeping with the enemy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/209587182.html I woke up this morning to find my ex-boyfriend in my bed with me. I almost had a coronary but then The Optimist in Me (TOM) gave me a proverbial high five, hes hot, hes smart you DID date him afterall and you have fabulous taste in men. Hes not a stranger, so no need to be embarrassed about using the bathroom or trying to look sexy while you search, naked, on all fours, for your underwear, or worrying about the appropriate leaving protocol (hes already got your number and knows your name)all in all, an easy, no-strings-attached evening! But then the Jaded Cynic in Me (JCM) bitch-slapped me and screamed in my face, no strings attached? Are you fucking NEW? You were OVER him! This is AGAINST THE RULES! DUMBASS! I was hurt by JCMs analysis of the situation. In my defense, I had a bad, boring weekend. My friends were all busy in the burbs doing married-people things like arguing over mortgages, children, and whose turn it was to clean up Scoobys shit on the new carpet to hang out with me; I was feeling bad for myself because I want a husband of my own to argue with over money, kids and pet shit! So there I was, pining over white picket fences and shitty carpets while sitting in my cold, rented basement suite when he called. If I had been preoccupied with a life that didnt resemble that of a 20 year old student (for the record, Im almost 30, not a student anymore, have no life, no assetsI DO have a nice ass, though, which is better than being a fat-assed loser, TOM tells me. I feel marginally better now), I wouldnt have answered, but I do NOT have a life (a nice ass though, TOM would like to remind us. Thanks, bro, back at ya)so thats how it transpired. Meeting X for coffee sounded like more fun than listening to Pat Benetar Love is a Battlefield on repeat (which, for the record, I wasnt doing Im not THAT big of a loseryet. But it accurately reflects my feelings of self-deprecation lately). It was supposed to be coffee but you know how it goes: java turns into dinner, dinner turns into drinks, drinks turn into more drinks.and the next thing you know your alarm is going off and the side of your face is stuck in someone elses dried slobber (at least you hope its dried slobber). Anyway, I want to get my girlfriends opinions about this, HOWEVER, I know what the verdict will be: Youre not going to meet Mr. Right if youre wasting your time with Mr. Wrong! or more likely, DUMBASS! YOU WERE OVER HIM! This is NOT part of the BREAKUP RULES! (that friend has clearly been conspiring with JCM)which explains why Im ranting anonymously to strangers. Its true, my friends are right: its close to impossible to meet someone new and move on if youre still hanging out with your ex. But I guess I dont want to hear it. Someone please tell me that theres light at the end of the breakup tunnel! I know there is, but its hard to remember. Plus, Im so exhausted and I really dont want to start dating again. Sleeping with my ex-boyfriend clearly doesnt help my situation but after reading all these rants about how everyone hates Vancouver women (hello?!) I cant say that Im too excited to get back into the (cynical/misogynistic?) dating scene   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-19T16:09:45-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/209587182.html Sleeping with the enemy text Furniture Shopping Around the World with Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/206484440.html Its a Sleigh Bed not slay bed. That would be a very bad advertising point. Your dining set is Wrought Iron, not rod iron and definitely not rot iron. You originally purchased your lovely lamps at Saks 5th Avenue, not Sacs. I think they sell something entirely different there. Im pretty sure your antique dresser has a pickle finish (whatever that is) and its fabulous rather than the pickel finish in Fabulas condition that you claim. Couch in good condition no rips or tears is to furniture what quaint cottage is to real estate. Having more than 7 exclamation points following your lovely items description or TYPING IN ALL CAPS does not make it any more valuable. Calling something a bargain does not make it so. Theyre not chester drawers its a chest of drawers. Distressed wood, Retro, Period piece Shabby chic and Authentic vintage = really ugly, ca.1972. Really well built and very well made = really very ugly. Must Sacrifice = gambling debt. Selling only because I am moving = gambling debt. If time weren't of the essence I would want $750 for everything but since I have to leave pretty soon the first person with $300 who can pick it all up gets it! = gambling debt. What you paid for it originally really and truly has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what we are willing to pay for it now. Theres no such thing as a China Hut. Well, of course a dwelling in China or an establishment that sells dishes but Im pretty sure you meant hutch. We dont care what its selling for on Ebay. If it were true, wouldnt you be selling it on Ebay? My loss is your gain = Good riddance. FYI: You cannot be over the age of 25 and go to school or obtain training of any kind. (You pick it up and it's free to any college student, otherwise $100 for everyone else. If you are 25+ years old, you are NOT a student.) Kewl = cool. If you are 25+ years old, you will NOT understand this. This piece would work with any décor = except yours. For $2000 you can have WOW! A BEAUTIFUL INDOOR WATERFALL- A VACATION IN YOUR HOME....!!!!! Or, you can take a 2 week actual vacation in Hawaii. Photos very rarely do this item justice and taking pictures that do is apparently not an option. People in South Carolina seem to have a much better grip on what a used couch is worth than people in LA, NY or Vegas. Used Ikea furniture only sells in areas where there is no actual Ikea store. Apparently since Ikea originated in Sweden, there is no furniture for sale on CL Sweden. Everything in every European house was bought at Ikea. This double bed is not for couples to sleep in full time, though we did for four months. Well, screw you were buying your bed and doing it anyway! Classic definition of pushing your luck: I am looking for a living room set. I would prefer black leather but a dark green or burgundy would do as well. Preferably just the sofa and love seat. I am on a very limited budget and I would also be interested in the same colors in material. Ideally I would like it to be like a Elran but I know I am pushing my luck. Willing to let it go = Please, please get this thing out of my house. Is disused office furniture unused or misused? New is to furniture youve brought home as Used is to a car you drive 2 miles off the lot Rediculous couches apparently actually means a really good deal, not silly seating. Beautiful framed art = always framed, sometimes art, rarely beautiful. No Idiots please! and PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE STUPID OR CANNOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS = CL virgin- take advantage. Gateleg tables and fainting couches are real things, and breakfront is not a misspelling of breakfast. Can a credenza be sexy? Evidently, yes, in San Diego, ooh-la-la for only $50. $5 for a cedar chest originally purchased in 1947- now THATS a deal- even in 1947!   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around world <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-12T16:19:31-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/206484440.html Furniture Shopping Around the World with Craigslist text Rules for Back to School http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/200921400.html With school just around the corner (oh dear, is it that time already?), I thought now would be the perfect time to remind y'all about proper classroom etiquette. Now, keep in mind I'm a university student, so most of this is based on what I've seen in my classes, but I'm sure it can apply to any classroom. This list of rules is intended to make class nicer for everyone. None of us likes to have to sit through boring lectures, but we can make it easier for everyone by not annoying the hell out of those around us. Here goes: 1. Turn off your freakin' phone! Seriously. Turn it off. Or at the very least, turn off the ringer. Oh, and if you have one of those phones that vibrates so violently it can double as a sex toy, turn off the vibrator too. We can all hear it. It's just as distracting as that stupid song it plays when the ringer's turned on. 2. I can understand that you just ate an onion and garlic sandwich, and I'm not judging you for that. And I commend you for putting a stick of gum in your mouth to cover up the smell. Thank you. Now close your mouth. Yes, I can hear the slurpy chewing noise. And it's grosser than your onion breath was. If you must chew gum in class, keep your mouth closed! 3. So this is a tough course, eh? You've got lots of questions? Well, good on ya for asking. Most people are too shy to raise their hand in class. But seriously, if you're asking more than 20 questions in a 50-minute lecture, I'm going to kill you. If the course material is so beyond you that you have to ask a stupid question every 2 minutes, maybe you should check the prerequisites again. 4. I'm really sorry that you caught that nasty cold going around. It sure blows donkey balls being sick, doesn't it? The sore throat, the cough, the headache, the runny nose...blech. I really do feel for you. But I also feel for me and everyone else around me who has to listen to you sniffle every 3 seconds. Kleenex is cheap. It's pretty easy to come by. They've been packaging it in those little mini plastic bags for as long as I can remember. Why don't you have some? Why do you have to make the rest of us listen to you sucking your drizzly snot up your nasal tract? Just blow it! 5. Class is at 10:00am. Not 10:05. Not 10:10. Not 10:15. Etc. Sure, everyone sleeps in once in a while. And that's cool. If you're late the odd time, and you quietly come in and take the nearest empty seat, you're forgiven. But if you're 15 minutes late every day, and then you walk across the room in your loud stiletto boots and have to shuffle past 4 people so you can sit in the middle of the row next to your friend, you're most definitely not forgiven. If you can't make it to your class on time, ever, then DON'T TAKE THE CLASS! 6. Speaking of your friend in the middle of the row, it must be nice to see him, huh? You haven't seen him since yesterday! But please, I beg you, I IMPLORE you, visit with him AFTER class! You can tell him about how drunk you got last night (which is why you were late) AFTER class! The rest of us are trying to listen and take notes. It's really hard when we're also listening to you yapping to your friend about your new Prada purse. So STFU. 7. 8:00 classes suck. I get it. I'm tired too. We're all tired. But do you see the rest of us sleeping on our desks? No, we're here to learn. We do our sleeping at night. We get really pissed off when we have to listen to you snoring and see you drooling on your desk. Just go home. 8. Your phone just rang. I TOLD you to turn it off. No biggie. You quickly reached into your Prada purse and grabbed hold of it and stopped it from ringing. But now you're...wha?!? No, don't just put it back! Turn it off this time! Weren't you embarassed enough the first time it rang? Why would you leave it on and put it back in your Prada purse? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... 9. So you have 5 straight hours of class today? Wow, that's rough. When do you find time to eat? Oh, you have to eat in class. Well, I guess I can understand that. Seriously, go ahead and eat. But, wait, is that a tuna salad sandwich you're pulling out? Oh, dear. It's an EGG salad sandwich! And you're sitting half an inch away from me. Excuse me while I go barf. Well, I feel better now. I'm sure there are many more things that could go on this list, but it's been a few months since I was in class and I can't remember them all. Feel free to add more. And feel free to print out this list and post on your classroom door. Or hand a copy to the dumbass eating the tuna sandwich. Whatever. Enjoy you class!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Everywhere <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-30T10:49:55-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/200921400.html Rules for Back to School text Re: Necrophilia http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/182234107.html Your neighbor is a necrophiliac? Do you know how hard it is to be a necrophiliac? I mean... first off... you have to want to fuck dead people, that in it's own right is fucked up right? So next, you have to FIND a dead person. I mean honestly here man, it's not like there's just cadavers laying around in random environments ripe (rotten?) for the plucking you know? So say you DO find a dead person, and you're totally feeling their... vibe?... then you have to find an environment where you can continuously have 'THE SEX' with this dead hottie (coldy?) and mask the odour. Believe you me my friend, there's gonna be some ranky ass stench, right? Which is hillarious considering guys are like "damn, wash the coochie bitch..." and then they're totally vibing off the most rotten coochie out there... ok, back to the point. So the most famous case of necrophilia was this dude who's wife kicked it right... and then he totally stuffed her (i mean, not physically... well that came later... i mean quite literally fucking stuffed her with some shit to prevent the whole... you know.. decaying thing) after he stuffed her he would do her man... and then he kept her refrigerated, well.. frozen i guess.. and dude would thaw her out for a good ... time. So anyway, unless this person you know... WORKS in like... a mortuary or something, it makes for some pretty awkward steps to get to the whole... banging dead people thing. Now here's one for ya... i've DISECTED cadavers... and i gotta tell ya, i wasn't feeling it... Now, i'm a chick mind you, and would need a stiff one... but for some reason the stiff just wasn't stiff enough ya know? Fucking dead people is highly overrated and not nearly as easy as it sounds.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-14T22:21:31-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/182234107.html Re: Necrophilia text ugh you bug me lube guy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/157332688.html so I work at a grocery store part time evenings..(this is after my full 8 hour day of 9 to 5'ness) So picture my average day is 12-16 hours long 4 times a week. When I get to my second job I'm already a zombie and I'm there to bag crap for 8 bucks an hour and go home. So today, this guy comes in and buys a few things, including lubricant. (like astroglide) He had it flipped over so I couldnt see what it was but unfortunately, neither can my scanner. so when I flip it over, he flips out on me and says "I'm not respecting his privacy!" Like are you kidding me? What the mother fuck was that all about? I'm like "okay, sorry, what?" He goes "you dont have to like examine what I'm buying you know, you can just scan it" First off buddy, the barcode is on the back, which you had facing up, THAT IS WHAT SCANS IDIOT. Secondly, I dont give a rats ass what you are buying, you or anyone for that matter.I dont even look at the screen or the products, if I hear a little "beep" thats my signal that it's rung through. If it doesnt beep then I flip it over most likely still looking at the next item up, not examining what is in your purcahses. the only thing I have to put any thought into is produce becasue they are coded,and even then I mistake gala apples for Fuji's and what have you, seriously, I'm not paying attention. Third, you think you are the only one with such purchases? How do you think lil ol granny feels when she buys depends undergarments? I bet she just loves bringing those up, thats got to be just a blast for her. How about the people who have to buy wart cream, hemmorhoid crap, whatever the fuck it is, there is some shit that I'm sure most people would prefer to get from a vending machine rather then to face another human being. Lucky for you I'm too zoned out to even notice. I cant tell if you're buying rash cream or salad dressing in a tube. So here's my tip ,if you dont want to bring attention to yourself, dont make a fucking scene! Go to a pharmacy where buying lube is the least of the evils they see considering they give out prescriptions for std's, rash's etc, somer fucking lube is probably the joy of the day, at least you aint sick! For the record, I cant speak for every grocery clerk, but I for one don't notice what goes in your bag. I coudlnt care less if you only buy organic, or like your flavoured bottled water. With 200 people a day at least through my checkout, I wont even remember you the next day much less if you had some lube in your bag. I will however say this. The one thing I notice is a single carrot. People buy like 5 apples, lettuce, 4 tomatoes, bag of mushrooms, 3 onions,and then there it is, 1 single carrot, wrapped in a bag.Now I read in Vice magazine last month a report of produce that is best used in leu of a dildo,and carrot came out on top. I think its the shape maybe, the ribbed texture, the fact that it is neither too big nor too small for either a vagina or an asshole, take your pick and gender.. So I'll admit it, unless you also have 1 piece of celery, 1 apple, 1 tomato, 1 carrot might seem a bit out of place with all your other purchases. But hey, I aint judging, carrot, eggplant, whatever you want to stick wherever you want it, its only my job to make sure you pay for it. Wether you get what you pay for later is up to you. So unless you are buying 1 carrot AND a bottle of Lube, Take comfort that I dont care what you are buying or why. Have a nice day! p.s Paper or plastic?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-03T22:07:32-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/157332688.html ugh you bug me lube guy text Myths and Truths http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/152468438.html Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week (or even every month). The "truth" I'm putting out here is for all of those men who, like me, worship women and can't figure out why they keep getting screwed over and dumped. The myths are things that I used to believe before I wised up. MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well. TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either. There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise known as "witches, bitches, and crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take "broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the one you marry. BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money. TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances). All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to break your balls. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable. MYTH: Women are out for looks. TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with." MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin. TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitching and making demands. Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is the attitude to take. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my problems. TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want to tell people about your problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group; the flip side is that you have to listen to their problems, but it helps. I know of only two kinds of women who want to hear about your problems: ones with far more problems than you have, and ones who fancy themselves amateur psychiatrists and like "fixing" men. Neither is good company. Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same. To make matters worse, women simply don't "get" many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy. So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not that bad. You get over it. In particular, once you figure out how to handle women a lot of your problems seem smaller and more manageable. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me. TRUTH: Understandingtrue understandingtakes decades. If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men are simple creatures." The truth is that women haven't a clue where most men are coming from and furthermore they care only insofar as they want to control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that they have us figured out. It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't "understand" her man can't control him, and a woman who can't control her man is a loser. The more you try to explain yourself, the more complex and multi-dimensional you become (a.k.a. "difficult"), and the less she can claim to understand you. Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself to her you're really trying to figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire a professional listener, or join a men's group. She doesn't want to hear it. If you master the art of keeping your problems to yourself she will complain bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not open enough and that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love this. It gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends. MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning. TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too much baggage on top of the delicate emotional bonds too early, and the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards. Want to see this in action? Watch women: they do this all the time. In particular, women who whine about men who can't make a commitment are probably doing exactly this: looking to a man to make their life mean something. It doesn't work. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. In particular, it's too easy once you've developed a life for yourself to end up with someone who was doing exactly what you were doing beforewaiting for Prince Charming (or in your case Lady Love)to come and rescue her life. People like this end up draining away all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. Take it from me: I waited for Lady Love for decades. Finally I gave up, got angry, got off my ass and tried to make a life for myself, and suddenly I was surrounded by women who wanted to date me. After a while I met someone who was very special to me and I married her. Now my life is about the same as before, but I have someone with whom to share it. As much as I prefer being with someone, I must tell you that having her with me doesn't make my life any more or less meaningful. I'm pretty much where I was before, only now I have company, which is nice. [P.S.: After two years she turned into one of those people who was waiting for her life to mean something, and she drained away all of my good energy. Oh well. Some things just don't turn out as planned, no matter how hard you try. Rats.] MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built civilizations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into condos. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't. If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to make everything better, you'll suffer the same fate as all the men who came before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the end of it all she'll still be bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints, she'll bitch about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life. MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women. TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is for. This is one of the few areas where John Gray has something useful to say. Men mull things over, organize things in their heads, then speak. Men have to do this because they have to get things done, and if they blabbered all day long about nothing in particular then eventually other men would pay them no attention. Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and experience has taught men to be brief and pithy. Women talk to organize their thoughts. It's the difference between doing the math problem in your head and writing the answer at the top of the page, and scribbling all over the page in order to arrive at the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there are lots of things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about these things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she sure as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalize all of her mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in other words another woman. MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special. TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," "I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing I've come across so far," "You're better than the last jerk I went out with," "You're the best guy I've come across this week," "All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too," "I have a million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them," "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out again," "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you," and any number of other things. OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love you." However, remember the old saying, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind"? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow. One of the biggest problems men like me have is that when we say, "I love you" to a woman we want to really mean it. Like "I love you forever." Men don't understand that a woman can say, "I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does is convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love you" didn't really count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go ahead and say, "I love you," but inside your head say, "I love you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story." When you break up and she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you did, but she did this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women say, "I love you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One day you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home. You'll test her love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry. MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't. TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with men... then we wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate. Maybe back in the pioneer days women understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends, talk about "men", examine and dissect relationships, study interpersonal dynamics, talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't, then go out and perfectly screw up their next relationship. I know. I've watched it happen from the sidelines. Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of preconception. The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more. It is women's ideas about relationships and why they do or don't work that have been imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of psychiatry. Most male therapists you'll meet are basically honorary women with university degrees, and as such they don't really understand relationships either. MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Women on the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour. Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. (Liberal "situational ethics" are essentially the same as women's ethics.) You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about "The Rules" and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke. It's a documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking or bending the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or repentant; his wife will beat him over the head with his transgression for months, if not years. A woman caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to suit herself will giggle and freely admit it. She thinks it's a game. MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." OK, so e.e. cummings she wasn't. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other women do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our "relationship," while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up space. Meanwhile, I drove her everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours making her gifts and writing her notes, and I spent hours thinking about what was going on with us and where we were going. The truth of the matter is that women don't think of 'we' any more or less often than men do. Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being those of "the relationship". For example, when a man needs to talk to his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to you." When a woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We need to talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words. The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really inthe one that exists between you and herand the one in her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorizing about "relationships"? Well, much of what she defines as "our relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for "the relationship," it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you. MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof. TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and so are creating more problems than they solve. Recently I was skimming a book by Dr. Laura and saw a chapter that gets this one right. Where is it written that when a man wants to go back to college and a woman wants to get married, and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the relationship" that she's automatically right? Maybe the right thing to do at that moment is for both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women confuse obsessing about "the relationship" with healthy involvement, particularly considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't even there. Sometimes your relationship needs more attention than you're giving it; other times she's smothering it. The assumption that more involvement equals more love simply isn't true. MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so confused)? TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say "no." Think about it: do you? You've never said no when you were too shy to say yes? You've never said no because you were nervous, didn't know what you were getting into, and didn't really have time to think about your answer? You've never said no because you thought that was the right thing to do even though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and then changed your mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of someone, when you really meant yes? I've done all of these things at one time or another; most men I know have, and most women I know have as well. However, for men there's a catch. If she's prone to saying no when she really means yes, then you should dump her. Immediately. Especially if she's told you in no uncertain terms "no" and then starts dropping huge hints that you're supposed to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is just far too dangerous. If you doubt this, imagine sitting in court, accused of rape. "Did she tell you no, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, but afterward she tried to rip my pants off, then stripped naked and sat on my face!" "But did she say no, Mr. Smith?" "Umm... yes she did." "Case closed." I once went out with a woman who told me, on our second date, that there was no way she would sleep with me, that her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit and that it would be "too complicated" if she were sleeping with me when he came to stay. On our third date she did everything to let me know that she wanted me, including lying on my bed, making comments about removing her clothes for a nude massage. Spooked, I drove her home, dropped her off, and never went out with her again. I consider it one of the smartest things I've done in my dating life. (Incidentally, apparently so does she. Every time I meet her she asks why I don't call her any more.) MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while men just fight TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough. One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to "present company," and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on. If anyonea woman or another manverbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all women. BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same. TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular women change