Rant: Advice on Romantic Advice
Good Advice: Good eye contact is key. It shows you’re interested and you’re confident. It tells me, “I want you and I can have you.”
What you should not be doing: Staring me down. Are you flirting or thinking about how my eyeballs would make a fine addition to your collection? Are you attracted to me or are you just ready to “take this outside”? If your eyes are bulging out of your head, I think you are going to “teach me a lesson” or massacre me and harvest my organs. BLINK! You’re not making me want you. You’re making me shit my pants.
Good Advice: Talk to lots of people. It betters your odds.
What you should not be doing: Do not hit on me, all my girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my grandmother, and the androgenous Filipino boy that’s staying with us. Do you think it makes me feel special when you say I have the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen then say the exact same thing to my friend two minutes later…IN FRONT OF ME! Do you think you’re going to get a 2-for-1 deal with me and my sister? The advice was to be fearless and talk with more people. Not to hump every leg you see. Please have more tact than my german shepherd. Speaking of dogs…
Good Advice: Have an ice breaker. Not only is babysitting and petsitting a great way to give your friends a well-deserved break, but it’ll be easier to start up a conversation with the opposite sex.
What you should not be doing: Asking me what I do for a living when you dog is growling, attacking, defecating, humping me/my dog, or foaming at the mouth. I’m sorry but I don’t care that you like to scuba dive. Your dog is impregnating my dog! Stop talking to me.
Good Advice: If you look at them and you notice them looking at you, go up and talk to them.
What you should not be doing: I’ve been staring at you because you’re just so damn ugly. You’ve caught me staring at you and you smile. My eyes grow large with horror and I quickly look down at my feet. I then pray to god that if he can get me out of this situation I will go to church more often than just when my relatives visit, fumble in my purse looking for my keys and try to get the hell out of there. If it looks like a scene from Scream with beads of sweat running down my forehead and tears in my eyes as I’m banging at the door to get out, I’m not interested. Please do not follow me. I have mace and I’ve put my keys between my knuckles.
Along with bad advice, I see a lot of guys bitching on these forums because women are too shallow and materialistic to appreciate what they have to offer.
Here’s what’s really going on:
You are: short
You think we aren’t interested because: We have the misconception that you have a small dick (btw, wake up. It probably is small just like a tall guy will probably have bigger arms and legs).
What’s really going on: We don’t care what’s going on down there as long as it lasts through a tv commercial. It’s your Napoleon complex. Don’t pick fights with guys twice your size. You’re only making a fool of yourself. Don’t wear power suits that you bought in the junior section. Don’t make me call you daddy. Realize that you’re the only one hung up on your height.
You are: not endowed with the resources we demand of you (aka dirt-poor)
You think we aren’t interested because: We’re money grubbing whores who want to use you for all you’re worth.
What’s really going on: You’re a useless free loader. You don’t work and the money that your parents give you, you spend on video games, porn, pot and car magazines. We bust our butt at work getting 70 cents on the dollar and we still have to treat you to everything. Don’t be angry because you weren’t born into a rich family. Don’t think that we expect you to be driving a Lexus and buying us diamonds. Just don’t expect me to buy you new sneakers because you spent your allowance on a bong with Bob Marley imprinted on it.
You are: average-looking
You think we aren’t interested because: We’re superficial.
What’s really going on: We are. But if you’ve got a good personality, we’re willing to let it go. You on the other hand, are completely shallow and have absolutely no excuse for this double-standard. Plus you’re morons. In a completely unbelievably lame “She’s all that” teen movie sort of way, I transformed from an “uggo” to “fuckin’ hot” by merely taking off my glasses. If even one “average-looking” guy approached me before I turned into a so-called hottie, I would have been the easiest target but not anymore. So before you curse us for not seeing your potential, see ours. Afterall, I would have taken off the glasses while you did me doggy-style (or took me up the ass).
You are: all man
You think we aren’t interested because: We’ve been watching too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. We’re trying to change you…into a woman.
What’s really going on: You’re dirty! And not in a Christina Aguilera video kind of way, in a Christina Aguilera kind of way. I’m really afraid I’m going to catch something from you. If it’s not an STD, I’ll bet it’s some rare disease that only occurs in third world countries and on your skanky body. You don’t need to be completely hairless but you have a chia pet in each ear, pubes on your back, and I can’t even see skin on your chest or legs. I don’t mind getting rug burn on my knees but you’re making my entire body chafe and I think you have fleas. Plus you smell like dirty diapers that have been left in the sun. If you use a toothbrush, it doesn’t mean you’re a fag.
You are: a nice guy
You think we aren’t interested because: We hate ourselves so much that we’re
only attracted to guys who will feed our self-hatred.
What’s really going on: You’re not nice. You’re a cry baby. You’re softer than…never mind (Mike, if you’re reading this I think a thanks is in order). You want to treat us badly and use us until someone better comes along but you don’t have the balls for it. Then you want to mope around when girls don’t come to you. In order for you to be a nice guy, be a man!
You are: shy
You think we aren’t interested because: We only like guys who shower us with compliments and cheesy pick-up lines.
What’s really going on: I don’t want to date the next Uni-bomber. Hiding in the corner talking to yourself and shooting me awkward glances…CREEPY. You’re antisocial and I’m afraid. You look like Golem from the Lord of the Rings. I don’t want to be your precious. OR you’re hiding in your basement playing video games and complaining on forums about how you’re too shy. You can’t meet girls while alone on your computer talking with other “shy” guys. Lara Croft will not jump out of the screen and under your Star Trek comforter. Stop looking for advice and talk to a real life person.
I hope my advice has helped you because I know the hoops you have to go through just to get laid. But bear warning. This is just advice. I am not writing this to get lucky myself. If you email me, I will exchange flirtatious and witty emails with you, meet up with you at a local Starbucks, then kick you in the balls and walk out. Good Luck!