A plea for help to my Canadian bretheren
Now I know what you are thinking: "But you hosers have made your own mess down there, we don't want anything to do with you." And you're right, but we do have a few things to offer you, here are eight reasons why you should invade:
1. Hockey. I know, you're wondering how the US can give Canada Hockey? But the majority of the NHL teams are in the US and let's be honest, we don't exactly treat them the way they deserve to be treated, they are considered second class sports by most Americans. Ask the average American who won the Stanley cup and they will stare at you blankly. You can have all our hockey teams and give those boys the love they deserve, besides all the players are already Canadian.
2. Unlimited Expansion of Tim Horton's. Look, if you haven't noticed we Americans have a weight problem, we're fat. I'm eating a hotdog, drinking a milkshake and injecting my veins with butter as I write this. We all know that Timmy's coffee and Donuts are far better than our beloved Dunkin' Donuts down here so Timmy's will have no problem finding customers.
3. Billions of Health care dollars. We pay more per capita for healthcare than you do, but over 50 million of us do not even have insurance. Do you know what that means? You can take over the private health care industry and combine it with your national health care system and you will have billions of dollars left over. All you need is to consolidate the mess we call private health insurance here and you will be swimming in cash, just like the private insurance companies are.
4. Republican Daughters. Just look at our Republican daughters. The Bush girls have been getting drunk every chance they get since they were teenagers. We know Palin's daughter has no problem with pre-marital sex. John McCain's wife was willing to have an affair with him while he was still married. These women are the best of both worlds, lady's in public and freaks behind closed doors. You can bring these girls to meet mom then take them home for a wild ride.
5. The White Spot Restaurant. If you saw the diversity, or lack thereof, at the Republican convention then you would know that an eatery named "The White Spot" would be wildly popular here in the US.
6. Guns. I know Canada has some tight regulations regarding guns, but we have none of that here. You can shoot someone in the face and suffer no consequences, just ask our current Vice President. So for those of you who like to shoot things, come on down.
7. Comedy. We have this hilarious station down here that is all comedy, all the time. No, not Comedy Central, it's called Fox News and it is hilarious. They pretend to be fair and balanced when they are really anything but, it really is funny.
8. Canadian Bacon. Once again our fatness is our weakness. Just cut it into the shape of a gun or a naked woman and we will never stop eating, your bacon industry will explode.
So there you go, eight reasons why you need to cross the border and invade us. Please help us. You will find about half of the country will welcome you with open arms. Thanks to our invasion of Iraq there should be no problem with one country invading another sovereign country, Russia has already exercised this new option.
I have my Canadian flag ready!
- Location: Due South
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