If you live in a city, chances are you do (or will) know the perils of having to ride transit.
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They're crowded, people smell, and most of us (myself included) have to do this regular commute to and from work 5 days a week. Not including any other time I have to get anywhere as I don't have a vehicle.
At some point or other we have come across the people in the list below, today... I came across all 10. I really need a beer right now...
10. THE TEENY BOPPERS. I hate you all. Seriously, you come gallavanting on the bus with 6 of your annoying friends and I immediately turn my ipod up the highest it'll go ... and I can STILL hear your annoying voices over my Rammstein. There's something seriously fucking wrong with that. Nobody gives a shit if Bobbie likes Britney or if Shiella wore a skirt that made her ass look big. Shut the fuck up before I throw you off the bus.
9. THE DRUNK. It's 7:30am and you come staggering on the bus, you're at the back, I'm at the front and I can still smell your alcoholic stench all the way at the front of the bus. What makes it worse, I hear you open a can at the back of the bus only to continue your drunkeness and talk to the invisible friend behind next to you. Then you ring your stop, stumbling to the front, only to practically fall in my lap when the bus driver suddenly stops the bus. Charming. Thanks.
8. KIDS. Ok. I understand sometimes the bus is the only mode of transportation for some parents, and that you do need to bring your kids on the bus. That's fine. If they're well-behaved. Then there are the parents who sit there like they're oblivious to the fact that their child is SCREAMING so loud that only DOGS can hear them, as loud and long as they can just for the sake of screaming. It's 7:30 in the morning, now I know you're probably used to this sort of thing but this is not a sound that a lot of passengers appreciate at ANY time of day, let alone at the ass-crack of dawn. Your kids make me want to get my damn tubes tied.
7. DUMBASS ON THE CELL PHONE. Everyone has cell phones, and everyone talks on them on the bus. That's fine. But don't talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise, well we all know your secret. If you're a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding a bus? We all know you're a shift leader at McDonald's so shut the fuck up, and stop talking to your mom because she's probably not impressed either.
6. YOU HAVE CRABS. Seriously, the people who buy fish and then get on the bus - which proceeds to stink up the entire damn bus. It's crowded, it's stuffy and now it smells like fish (along with every other person on the bus who hasn't worn deoderant or showered in a month but we'll get to that ...). Seriously, gross. Pay the extra few bucks and get a cab.
5. YOU HAVE LUGGAGE. You get on the bus and seriously have 2 MASSIVE garbage bags full of crap or a bunch of suitcases, which you proceed to sit in the middle of the aisle so that whomever gets on the bus can't get past unless they risk breaking their neck. Honestly, this is what cabs are for. They have these things called TRUNKS that are made to fit obnoxious amounts of crap like that.
4. DIPSHIT WHO NEVER HAS THEIR SHIT READY. You know who you are. You're the asshole who gets on the bus and then proceeds to have to count out the exact change, or find their bus pass/transfer. It's not that hard to have your shit ready BEFORE the bus gets there, unless you were running late. Then you complain and beak at the bus driver for starting the bus and causing you to lose your balance while you still fish around for your change! Seriously dude, it's your own damn fault and if he waits for your slow ass you're going to make me later than I already am. One of these days the driver's going to hit the brakes only to cause you to go flying head first through the windshield - and then I'll be late for work. Move you ass!
3. EXCESSIVELY LOUD LISTENING DEVICES. Now I always have my ipod with me, it keeps those weird people from striking up a conversation with me and basically I love my music. But I know for a fact that not a lot of people are going to want to HEAR my music, so I keep my ipod fairly low so that it doesn't disturb everyone. Then there are people like you who feel the need to keep it as loud as it can possibly go so that everyone on the bus can hear what shitty music taste you have. Sandstorm's been out for the past 6 years dude...
2. DUDE WITH THE COFFEE BALANCED RIGHT BY MY SHOULDER. Spill that on me and I will kill you.
1. YOU SMELL. This is definitely the number one annoyance when riding transit. It's crowded, it's hot out, it's stuffy in there and you reek like you've pissed yourself 8 days ago and are still wearing the same clothes you soiled yourself in. I feel that there should be a stench detector at the doors of the bus so if in fact you DO smell a very loud obnoxious alarm comes on with a voice clearly stating, "You smell like ass - get the fuck off the bus and go shower you disgusting pig." Then there's the one who doesn't wear deoderant. His arm is raised up to hold onto the pole above my head, therefore putting your stinky armpit RIGHT in my face - I'm seriously going to kick you in the shin the next time you do this. Basically to all you stinky bastards - you smell and no one likes you.
Thank you - I feel better now.
- Location: Vancouver, BC
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