Rules for Back to School
1. Turn off your freakin' phone! Seriously. Turn it off. Or at the very least, turn off the ringer. Oh, and if you have one of those phones that vibrates so violently it can double as a sex toy, turn off the vibrator too. We can all hear it. It's just as distracting as that stupid song it plays when the ringer's turned on.
2. I can understand that you just ate an onion and garlic sandwich, and I'm not judging you for that. And I commend you for putting a stick of gum in your mouth to cover up the smell. Thank you. Now close your mouth. Yes, I can hear the slurpy chewing noise. And it's grosser than your onion breath was. If you must chew gum in class, keep your mouth closed!
3. So this is a tough course, eh? You've got lots of questions? Well, good on ya for asking. Most people are too shy to raise their hand in class. But seriously, if you're asking more than 20 questions in a 50-minute lecture, I'm going to kill you. If the course material is so beyond you that you have to ask a stupid question every 2 minutes, maybe you should check the prerequisites again.
4. I'm really sorry that you caught that nasty cold going around. It sure blows donkey balls being sick, doesn't it? The sore throat, the cough, the headache, the runny nose...blech. I really do feel for you. But I also feel for me and everyone else around me who has to listen to you sniffle every 3 seconds. Kleenex is cheap. It's pretty easy to come by. They've been packaging it in those little mini plastic bags for as long as I can remember. Why don't you have some? Why do you have to make the rest of us listen to you sucking your drizzly snot up your nasal tract? Just blow it!
5. Class is at 10:00am. Not 10:05. Not 10:10. Not 10:15. Etc. Sure, everyone sleeps in once in a while. And that's cool. If you're late the odd time, and you quietly come in and take the nearest empty seat, you're forgiven. But if you're 15 minutes late every day, and then you walk across the room in your loud stiletto boots and have to shuffle past 4 people so you can sit in the middle of the row next to your friend, you're most definitely not forgiven. If you can't make it to your class on time, ever, then DON'T TAKE THE CLASS!
6. Speaking of your friend in the middle of the row, it must be nice to see him, huh? You haven't seen him since yesterday! But please, I beg you, I IMPLORE you, visit with him AFTER class! You can tell him about how drunk you got last night (which is why you were late) AFTER class! The rest of us are trying to listen and take notes. It's really hard when we're also listening to you yapping to your friend about your new Prada purse. So STFU.
7. 8:00 classes suck. I get it. I'm tired too. We're all tired. But do you see the rest of us sleeping on our desks? No, we're here to learn. We do our sleeping at night. We get really pissed off when we have to listen to you snoring and see you drooling on your desk. Just go home.
8. Your phone just rang. I TOLD you to turn it off. No biggie. You quickly reached into your Prada purse and grabbed hold of it and stopped it from ringing. But now you're...wha?!? No, don't just put it back! Turn it off this time! Weren't you embarassed enough the first time it rang? Why would you leave it on and put it back in your Prada purse? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...
9. So you have 5 straight hours of class today? Wow, that's rough. When do you find time to eat? Oh, you have to eat in class. Well, I guess I can understand that. Seriously, go ahead and eat. But, wait, is that a tuna salad sandwich you're pulling out? Oh, dear. It's an EGG salad sandwich! And you're sitting half an inch away from me. Excuse me while I go barf.
Well, I feel better now. I'm sure there are many more things that could go on this list, but it's been a few months since I was in class and I can't remember them all. Feel free to add more. And feel free to print out this list and post on your classroom door. Or hand a copy to the dumbass eating the tuna sandwich. Whatever. Enjoy you class!
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