Originally Posted: 2005-01-16 10:37am
He had a small penis
So, in my long and illustrious dating career, I've had some pretty bad sex. This has to stop. Here is my rant:
1. Darren. You should wear underwear. Trust me, you want the bulk of extra fabric under your pants to create the illusion of more. Imagine my disappointment when I reached down your waistband and thought it was bent in half. Oh no, it wasn't. And why did you leak so much pre-cum? I mean, ewwwww. You should get a doctor to check that. And no, I didn't cum, although I think you knew that. My clit is not a button on a Nintendo controller. No one enjoys that.
2. David. You need to stay away from my ass. Trying to get in there without asking is rude. And trying to go in dry is just disprespectful. No, I don't want to be beaten with your belt. No, I don't want to masturbate in front of a window. No, I don't want a threesome. And no, I didn't cum. I finished myself off after you left the room, thinking I could have had more fun at home with less mess and pain.
3. Aaron. Why are you spitting on me? And no, I don't like it, but thanks for asking. Please don't lick my chin when you're kissing me. Dried spit from a drunk guy smells really bad after a while. By the way, I don't think we can be friends, for two reasons: 1. I can't look someone in the face after they've asked me to stick my finger up their ass, and 2. I can't look someone in the face after they've tried to lick mine. And no, I didn't cum, but you think I did.
4. Andy. The sex with you wasn't so bad, but you have to actually TOUCH the woman to make it fun for her. Your cock alone doesn't do it. The therapy session afterwards is what really sticks out in my mind. I really hope you get your addictions under control, like gambling, sex, drugs, alcohol, working out and tattoos. Next time, let's skip the sex, you can lay on my couch for an hour and I'll collect $150.
Now for the the rave:
1. Allen...simply the best. Allen the Stallion.
2. Brad...where did you learn that tongue thing? We need to send her a thank you card.
3. Bob...the first man to give me an orgasm. Hundreds of men salute you, and so do I.
this is in or around Ontario