The First Annual, Only Moving Sale Ever #1! It's awesome, seriously.
We were going to call this the "Feast on our Dreams" moving sale, but that sounded too dire. We're going back to school, which means we're shedding household goods like nobody's business, except apparently for the lady next door! Feast on our dreams of glory! Buy some outstanding items! Many are on this rug! Some --- are not!
ITEMS FOR SALE:
1. A Rockin' Good Stereo System (3 CD changer, digital display, two speakers, black in colour, makes a lot of noise if dials turned fully clockwise):
As advertised above, it is both rockin' and good. We've got a new system, so we're leaving this one to the hounds. Caution to buyers: we turned the stereo on for this picture and Rod Stewart came on the radio. Actual customer experience may vary.
2. A Tiny But Outstanding Microwave: $40
Our new place comes with one, so the perfectly good old one goes on the market. We got it for $100 at The Brick when we had no stove, and we're passing the savings on to you! In the form of a microwave!
3. A Three-Drawer Ikea... Thing: $20
For more information, check absolutely any Craigslist furniture ad ever. (The girlfriend just told me the name is "Aneboda", which to me sounds more like a cousin of the cottonmouth snake than a dresser drawer, but now you can go online to find all the most up-to-date and relevant information pertaining to this set of three dresser drawers. Hint: it holds stuff in three compartments and largely looks like it does in the picture.)
(ADDITIONAL LATE-BREAKING MEMO: It appears that it sounds like I'm saying there are three dressers, instead of just one dresser with three drawers. THERE IS JUST ONE DRESSER. IT HAS THREE DRAWERS. LIKE IN THE PICTURE. STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER. I AM DOING COMMERCE HERE.)
4. K2 Rollerblades With No Brakes: $10
Size 12! Slightly used! Is that gross? Probably! But IMAGINE THE SAVINGS! Non-warty former user.
5. Big Empty Cloth Toolbox: $10
For manly men (or women) who aren't afraid to say, "My toolbox doesn't clank!" And who among us has not had such dreams? Now those dreams can be realized, thanks to this bitchin' great garage sale!
6. A Big Stack of Empty CD Cases: $ Free!
Are you a rock star? Was your last album rejected by purists? Have you flipped off a presenter at the Soul Train awards? Then this deal is for you! A stack of mis-matched empty CD cases are just the thing to boost your sales and audience perception of your incredible weirdness! (Alternatively, if you just have a band and want some CD cases to put your CDs in for sale at local shows, just come and... just get these things out of here. Please. You don't even have to be in a band. Although we could use your star power to draw more customers to the garage sale. So if you could tell others that you ARE a rock star and that you're coming to the moving sale, then that would be great. You can link to this ad from your Myspace page. That's all I'm saying.)
7. A Ladder: $15
Good for reducing the amount of low to the ground you are at any given moment.
8. A Fake Curled-Up Cat: $5
I am confident that if you were in an 8-bit adventure game you would really, really need this later on. Hedge your bets!
9. "Dread Pirate" Board Game: $10
Good for ages 8 and up! It's basically all luck, so even a dumb kid can win and go tell everyone at the party that he beat you and everyone laughs and wonders what the hell you're spending all that tuition money on.
10. "Trivial Pursuit" '70s Edition Board Game: $1
What could be more retro-chic than a board game where all the answers have to do with the USSR? In Soviet Russia, dollar buys YOU!
11. "Doodle Pix", Apparently?: $0.10
It can be yours for ten cents. Apparently we had this game all along. We are attempting to correct that situation.
12. Cuban Hexabox: $1
Is it a hexagon? Is it a box? Is it a humidor for cigar-like things that measure less than 3" in size? Why not all of the above! It's from friggin' Cuba, people! It's practically illicit --- at least at these prices! Zing!
13. CD Walkman: $5
All the versatility of an iPod with only one album on it, now 400% larger! If bigger is better, then you would have to be stupid not to be all over this deal! Could it be combined with the three vertical feet of empty CD cases to create the ultimate in portable entertainment?* I THINK SO!
* Actual entertainment not included
14. Planet Earth DVD Game: $10
Never used, but actually looks pretty awesome. We can't play it because she gets sad whenever she thinks about endangered species, so our crippling emotional problems can be your gain!
15. Wembly, Boober, Mokie and Gobo Driving Vegetables: $5
I'm sure these are collectibles worth $100 somehow to some person, so I'll discount 'em by the probability that anyone that gives two hoots is going to stop by the site. $95 seem like a pretty small discount comparatively? Brother, you ain't met Craigslist. (Edit: No, I do not know why they are driving vegetables.)
16. Pimp Brown Aldo Shoes: $10
Didn't fit. Whoops. Never worn outside the house --- size 11 or 12.
17. Dominoes: $0.50
Now in teal for the ladies!
18. Racquetball Racquet (never used): $10
Seriously, I'm going to go right down to that health club next Wednesday and sign up.
19. Guitar books: $ Free
Learnin' guitar is awesome and should be easier. Now it is, with these complicated books that no one can read since tablature and YouTube were invented!
20. A Big Red Binder Full of Secret Corporate Recipes: $5
That's right, everything from what's in the Big Mac sauce to how to make Red Lobster's delicious Diablo Shrimp. Wonderfully disturbing!
21. Door Chain: $1
The personal security device that says to burglars, "Hey! You're not coming in here! Unless you push, with your hand." Ineffective if applied to kitty doors.
22. Mice? Mouses? Meece? Mouses. : $0.50 each
23. Palm Pilots: $10 each
One comes with a leather case. It broke the other palm pilot's heart and took off with its sister on a motorcycle. It just doesn't care who it hurts.
24. Ethernet Hub: $5
Answers to "Charles".
25. Game Boy Advance and e-Reader: $30 for the GBA, $10 for the e-Reader.
Beats the best Amazon price by a week and five bucks. Also comes in a makeup bag, which I felt was pretty classy.
26. Phone: $5
Multi-function phone. Rings, dials, and takes both incoming AND gives outgoing calls. Cordless. All the convenience of a cell phone without the contract or pollutey satellites.
27. World's Most Awesome VCR with Remote: $10
We've had some good times, VCR. But now it's time for some other kid to enjoy editing MarioPaint cartoons of his very own. (Comes with programmable universal remote.)
28. Sproingy Clock: $5
I probably won't even sell this. It makes a HORRIBLE loud ticking noise that keeps my girlfriend awake and I just hide it all over the place so she thinks she's going crazy like in Telltale Heart. But she's making me sell it, so here it is. Avoid buying it and we'll see if in ten years I come home to find her scratching at the floorboards, fingers bloodied, hair matted, and with a look in her eye of a madness so profound that Mephisto himself could scarcely fathom a more scathing torment. Just five dollars!
29. Alarm Clock / AM/FM Radio: $10
Goes BLART BLART BLART. Alternatively, RADIO RADIO RADIO. Red numbers.
30. 300 Watt Power Source? $10
Pretty good price for a 300 watt power source. I can't remember if it's 300 or 400. It doesn't match the box. You'll have to e-mail me in order for me to muster up the energy to go look. I'm basically as lethargic as that raccoon over there.
31. Only Partially Busted Computer: $80, or best offer for components
I installed a new graphics card into this poor ol' girl without checking its power requirements. Aaaaaand the story comes together. :)
- 2.24 GHz Pentium 4 Processor (The 4 stands for "4get about it, it's awesome")
- Hard drive removed so's you can't hack my identity. Also protects copyright on all the stuff I wrote on there. And also any folders of a... private nature. You're on Craigslist, don't act like you're better than me.
- DVD-RW drive (8x?)
- 48x CD-ROM drive
- 2 gigs of DDR RAM
- 56k modem (awwww yeah)
- Either a 64 or 128 meg video card --- again, I'd have to tear 'er open to look.
- 10/100 Ethernet
- Inconspicuous tower casing belying the sheer awesomeness of the stuff within, excellent for spies or Jason Statham, who I think will be at the garage sale, you should come
- Probably a motherboard and 220W power source what done been fried up real good
32. What the hell, a stack of Darkhawk Comics? $20
Back in the spring of '02 I had a tentative deal with Marvel's Epic line to write a new Darkhawk series for the company. Then they fired Bill Jemas, cancelled the line, and I was left nude with nothing but a tea cozy and a pair of slippers (unrelated circumstances). At least you got the offer, you say? An invaluable experience, you muster? Hardly! I value it at precisely twenty of the dollars!
33. A CD Album: $5
All it lacks is an album cover.
34. A Framed, Matted Print of Picasso's "The Old Guitarist": $80
Celebrate the final years of Picasso's Blue Period with this proto-Cubist echo of el Greco. Covers up wall stains like a ************!
35. Poubelle: $5
C'est une poubelle qui a une place ou on peut la frappe avec un pied pour l'ouvrir. On peut voir que tous mes livres francais ne sont pas en vente avec les livres au-dessous.
36. All Six Original Star Trek Movies: $10
Note: Star Trek II appears to have rocked its cover off. It might seem a bit shady, but I promise it's not a khaaaaan
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
CRAPPY TIER: $1
- Crappy Thesaurus
- Crappy Dictionary
- Crappy Rhyming Dictionary (my M.C.ing needs no further tightening)
- Crappy book about how good it is to be an Aries (mostly lies)
- "A Simple Plan"
- "The Green Mile" (Coffey didn't do it, but they kill him anyway)
- "Two Against The North"
- "The Handbook of Style" (Ladies'. I didn't need one.)
- "Journey into Darkness" (FBI profiler autobiography)
- "The Manhunter" (U.S. Marshal autobiography)
- "The Master Sniper"
- "Book of Wizards" (Great for kids! Apparently not for 26-year-old women.)
- "Tales from the Land of Erin"
- "The Black Jade Road"
- "Deathlands: Northlands Rising" (literally the worst book I have ever read. Perhaps the worst book ever written. AND IT COULD BE YOURS!)
- "Magic with Everyday Objects" (Anatomy excluded)
- Coles notes and satire (Miller, Letterman, Mercer, Maher)
- Crappy old version of "The Elements of Style"
- Crappy old version of "Fit to Print"
- "The Secret of NIMH" (Not crappy!)
- A 2001 copy of the Writer's Market (assuming that all small presses that will publish your crappy poetry were all well-capitalized and weathered this financial tsunami like the obsidian capitalist gods they surely are, this volume will still be of immense use to any budding scribe! $1.)
OKAY TIER: $3
- "Paint Recipes" (Not what you think; actually about how to mix paints)
- "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creative Writing" (I am pretty sure Hemingway had four of these)
- "1,911 of the Best Things Anybody Ever Said" (Compiled in the '90s, so all 1,911 hadn't yet been replaced by L'il Jon lyrics)
- "Conan Doyle" (biography)
- "The Wordy Shipmates" (note: inexplicably, does not contain "Yarrgh"
- "The Intellectual Devotional: Modern Culture" (caution: Americo-centric)
- "Stories in an Almost Classical Mode"
- "365 Amazing Discoveries"
- "Transfigurations" (weird art book)
- The Eric Wilson series
AWESOME TIER: $5 (Yes, the difference between something okay and awesome is a toonie. You heard it here first.)
- Introduction to Politics (since textbooks cost approximately $900 each, one can only assume these are automatically in the Awesome tier)
- Canadian Politics: Critical Approaches, 3rd Edition
- New Society: Sociology for the 21st Century
- The Book of Lists
- The Practice of Social Research
- "Arthur and George"
LIMITED TIME PACKAGE DEAL: FoxTrot comic collection, $1/lb. Guaranteed fresh, Grade AA comics. Pasteurized. Grain fed.
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Sorry about everything preceding this point.
Send an e-mail along to make one of these fabulous items your very own! Alternatively, request the address for the awesome garage sale that will feature all the above items that were too hot for internet sale! Also, we are selling a door chain for a dollar. Delivery is not an option.
Oh and also the rug! Shall we say, $20? Excellent for wrapping up multiple purchases or posting a desperately overworked Craigslist ad -- ACT NOW!
P.S. I am sorry about how fast this got old.
Pro tip: Nothing accepts an apology like buying a microwave.
- Location: Sherbourne and Bloor
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests