I have come to a realization that I don't have many friends. That means when I die I won't have enough people to carry my casket. I believe the minimum number of pallbearers is six. I've also got a very small family, so they won’t do. I can't do any exact math on the numbers of available people because by the time I die I won't be sure which of those people will still be around or if we all died together in some horrific accident. If I make a rough estimate I'd say roughly there would be 5 reliable people, friends and family included. As you can see I'm short one. So I am here on craigslist in search of a new friend. So why a female friend? I just thought I'd even it out a bit since most of the other pallbearers will be male. In all honestly I don’t want my funeral to be a sausage fest because then some of the other pallbearers might not show. With some female incentive it will ensure that they come through for me.
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Now I realize this is going to be very competitive, I mean who wouldn’t want to carry my casket? So below is more details on how to apply.
Now in order to my friend you'll have to meet the following conditions and requirements:
-Must make an appearance at my funeral to carry my casket
-Must be able to lift 1/6th of the weight of my body inside a casket
-Being my friend is only secondary to your role as my pallbearer, in the case that I start to actually like you as a friend, that role may be switched to a secondary priority.
-This will be STRICTLY friendship. You must not fall in love with me. I don't need a coffin straddler at my funeral because it will make the casket that much heavier to carry. Besides it's not proper custom the spouse to be a pallbearer anyway
-In the case that you die before I do I will be your pallbearer
-In the case I changed my mind and decide to be cremated then you are hereby relieved of your duty as pallbearer
The interview process may subject you to tests such as heavy lifting, ability to cry, and proper funeral dress. Training will be provided for all successful applicants in proper lifting technique, crying when you really don't care, and how to dress for a funeral.
I thank all applicants for applying but only those that I am interested in will be contacted for an interview.
In case you're wondering, I'm not dieing. Therefore until the day I do maybe we can be friends? So please would somebody commit to this task? I could die any day now…please hurry.
- Location: Toronto
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests