Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-03-30T10:13:15-07:00 2 daily A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html I'm not. I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers. I'm not. I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant. But I'm not. Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option. I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that. But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking. I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good. And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap. Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask. And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that. So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours. Thanks. PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-30T10:13:15-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. text Happy fifth anniversary! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Has it really been five years already? Wow, time really flies with the distractions of life. So many things going on that sometimes its pretty easy to forget about you. I remember way back when you were projected to be this little $50-60 billion "conflict." But my how youve grown! Its hard to believe that now youre projected total cost is $3 trillion... thats a lot of zeros! Your ability to suck all the resources of this nation is quite something. The infrastructure of our nation is suffering in innumerable ways because of the lack of available money. It will likely take near an entire generation to recover from you... whenever you stop. And how do we even recover from the human losses and tragedies? You know damn well weve created another generation of mentally ill war vets, just like those from Vietnam we all see wandering the streets of our major cities. Over 200,000 have applied for disability benefits. Then theres the 3990 fatalities in the US forces, and by extension 3990 families that have been changed forever. So many of them seem to be young parents. I dont want to forget the other 308 coalition deaths, the 29,314 US wounded, or countless Iraqi deaths and injuries. And by countless I mean countless. Nobody really knows. But since they started trying to keep track in 2005 there have been 47,000 fatalities. So war, I really think its about time you and I went our seperate ways. I dont think I can handle another year of you. But to be realistic I know how tricky it can be to end these kind of dysfuctional realtionships, so Ill just hope that next year at this time well both have moved on and have started the healing process. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-19T13:20:17-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Happy fifth anniversary! text Fixed Gear Death Trap http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you. I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not! The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted. Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you! Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror! There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes. But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it. The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing. Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here. The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off. This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed. I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair. <img src=608546617.1.jpg> <img src=608546617.1.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-16T18:33:11-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html Fixed Gear Death Trap text Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html OK this is long but only because of all the nonsense I went through posting this ad last week and dealing with people that want me to deliver and stack it for them for free. Or want to spend an hour on the phone with me, or provide them a map, or help load or or or Look its simple. I have tons literally tons of good firewood to get rid of. It has been aged through three winters and is peak for burning now. It is all Eucalyptus. The rounds range in length from roughly sixteen inches to roughly twenty-four inches. The rounds range in diameter to what one person can handle to very large needing two or even three men to handle. You need a log splitter! Dont call to tell me you dont have a splitter and will be right over! They rent these things here in Novato its no big deal. You also need a wheelbarrow or be ready to walk back and forth a lot because you cant park any closer to the wood than maybe seventy feet. So it is much easier if you have a wheelbarrow. You can access the wood anytime without appointment really. I dont need to know you are on the way, or that first you have to buy your kids some pizza. I dont need to know anything. Its free wood get it? Im giving it away not looking for a relationship. If you dont want to do some work for the free wood thats perfectly fine with me just go read some other ad. I dont mind really. And the only thing I ask is that you dont make a mess of the area. Thats what I am trying to do is clean it up. So take as much as you like, and leave things in good shape. Last night I watched somebody haul away easily five hundred bucks worth of wood in less than an hour and I have twenty times that amount left. So it really can be done. The only other thing you need is location, which I will provide if you contact me. I dont want to meet your mother! And I dont respond to earthlink addresses with that stupid spam quiz. Everything in this ad is all you need to know. I hope your cancer goes into remission and the orphans forgive you. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T12:26:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it text Anti-atheist Backlash on R&amp;R http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html I've noticed a recent trend on Rants and Raves where certain Christian posters are attacking atheists while strangely choosing to ignore all other brands of non-Christians. Why is this? Are these armchair disciples more concerned about saving an atheist's soul than that of a Buddhist, Hindu, Jew, or Muslim? Sounds fairly selective to me. I think I know what's going on here... These people aren't attacking all non-Christians because they can at least personally identify with somebody else's belief; regardless of whether or not they agree with it. They are allies in the same sense that members of two opposing armies can feel a comradery with one other. Rather, it is the non-belief of atheists that bothers them. These people have faith so thoroughly engrained in their lives that to see somebody without a trace threatens them. They simply cannot conceive of somebody not believing in a deity of some sort. The idea is completely foreign to them, and therefore menacing. It forces them to evaluate their own beliefs. They become defensive and attack because the things they hold intrinsically and unquestionably sacred are being challenged by the mere philosophical position of another. Most atheists do not "believe" that god does not exist. Rather, they dismiss it as a possibility due to a complete lack of evidence. Otherwise, they'd have to entertain the possibility of believing in anything and everything... which is the essential problem of agnosticism. Therefore, it does not take faith to be an atheist. If the evidence changes, then most would certainly be reasonable enough to revaluate their positions. Until then, the existence of god is simply a non-issue for them. Some theists have decried this materialistic position, but without much real avail. What possibilities are we losing if we only believe in things that leave evidence behind? Ghosts, leprechauns, fairies and gods... everything in the realm of the superstitious, but nothing else. I can comfortably live with that; just as a Christian can comfortably live with the idea of worshipping Jehovah but not Shiva. They accuse atheists of leading selfish, corrupt, and immoral lives without fear of consequences. They accuse atheists of lacking moral codes. This is, of course, irrational, fear-mongering nonsense. Today's atheist is not a self-indulgent modern Caligula or a Stalin. Today's atheist is not a socially maladjusted anarchist who lives their lives without fear of retribution. According to a 1997 statistic, only 0.209% of prisoners incarcerated in the United States identify as atheists. Since atheists currently represent roughly 14% of the overall U.S. population, this is a significant indicator of the "morality" of the modern atheist. Today's atheist tends to be a well-educated, productive member of society who more often than not subscribes to the notions of moral relativism and secular humanism... which essentially means that we realize we're all stuck on this big ball together and we must work to set aside our differences and build a better future, because it's all that there is. That doesn't sound at all like the monstrous picture that's recently been smeared here by certain self-proclaimed loving Christians. These rabid believers clash with atheists knowing perfectly well that they are helpless to alter the ideological perceptions of their perceived foe. Why then, do they choose to partake of this exchange of bad blood? Because they're angry and they're frightened. They're angry because we have the nerve to indirectly challenge their insecurely-held beliefs with our continued existence. They're frightened because they fear that they're losing their foothold on the theocratic monopolization of America (school prayer, Christian-oriented legislature, etc.)... an officially secular country, mind you. Lashing out, spreading lies and misconceptions, and demonizing the enemy is a natural way to react to opposition; however contrary to the teachings of their professed lord and savior. Any anti-atheist backlash you're witnessing here is simply the result of reactionary mean-spiritedness, and nothing more. The misinformation is a sign of desperation. I suppose they believe what they're saying is true in the same sense that many Muslim fundamentalists believe that America is directly in league with the devil. Feeling "right" about the subjective tends to breed violent paranoia when challenged. Mind the danger in that whatever you choose to believe. I can't say that some atheists aren't guilty of the same indiscretion, but it's a generalization to categorize all atheists this way just as it's a generalization to categorize all Christians as rabid fundamentalists. I've been careful to avoid doing so here, despite the disrespect shown us by some members of the Christian community. Personally, I'm a firm believer in live-and-let-live. I believe Christ was too. I don't attack others for their beliefs. I don't even ask that others question their beliefs. Everyone has a right to decide what they hold dear. I don't write slanderous, inaccurate or inflammatory material about adherents of any religion. But I do defend my positions, because I hold them dear. I find it completely abhorrent that those who attack mine do so under the protective woolen guise of love and fellowship. It allows them to appear to hold the upper hand while hitting below the belt. The atheist in America is already a misunderstood and hated underdog, and people tend to ignore the callous disregard they are often shown by these "gentle lambs of God." Were it not for atheists being their current preferred cannon fodder, I'm certain these unyielding fanatics would be baring their claws and coming for you other non-Christians and moderates next. Watch your step.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-05T12:11:04-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html Anti-atheist Backlash on R&amp;R text You, the waiter in the castro...... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html So there we were, coming in to eat at your establishment. You, my oh-so perfect little queen waitron were almost but not quite able to hide your dismay at this odd group of people. I mean, really, at least three of us were clearly from somewhere in the midwest. Given that three of us were also obviously dykes, or at least local weirdoes, you might have caught on that we were entertaining visitors. But no, you struggled masterfully, albeit unsuccessfully, to hide your disdain for our friends from Ohio. Your undertone snide comments were not unnoticed, my friend. Next time, make those comments while you're in the kitchen. Saying things like "you people are horrible" in a perky bright voice is bad form, to say the least. Fucking unforgivably rude is more like it. For your information, miss i'm-too-young-to-remember-the-plague-years, that ancient (over 50) woman from Ohio who ordered too much food and was loud and annoying to you comes out here to meet up with us because we took care of her son while he was dying a dozen years ago. The same son she drove to New York so he could attend the first year of Harvey Milk High. The same son she came out to once he was 16. The son who died a month before his 22nd birthday. She's been at the forefront of what passes for a gay rights movement in Ohio, and has stood up so that pathetic little twinks like you can walk down the street in your aberzombie and felch uniforms and hold hands. And even with what you acted like, she still tipped you 20%, because she remembers her son working in a similar restaurant, and his struggles with money. Next time someone who doesn't fit your personal tastes comes into your restaurant, perhaps you might try some compassion, or even just some human respect. Remember the word diversity? It applies to you and your tiny narrow mind as well.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: a broader perspective <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T19:51:48-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html You, the waiter in the castro...... text Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk, Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed. I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors. I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. Im totally missing out in life. So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see youre an uncompromising visionary. No one will ever understand you. Youre so different. Signed, Everyone Not Like You  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-26T17:25:12-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. text You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html Hiya. We just had that exchange (in the posting title) about thirty minutes ago. I was the guy with the short brown hair and beard wearing a Navy peacoat (how do you spell that?), and you were the girl who was trying to console her friend (I suspect) over the fact that all men had been seduced and yanked off the streets by the horror that is "Single Person's Awareness Day" (a.k.a. "Valentine's Something-or-Other"). I'd just like to say: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU CUTE. Like cute enough that thirty minutes later I'm posting here when I could be doing laundry, or making ravioli, or watching one of the many fine syndicated programs available nowadays. But, no, I'm posting for you. BUT WAIT. I am not a stalker (well, there's that ONE restraining order, but I'm so OVER that), creep, perv (well, not much, and in ways that are legal in most of the States in the Union), loon, drowning lonely soul, ex-felon or actuarial accountant. Allow me to provide a brief transcript of our meeting: (Hey, that Restraining Order thing was a joke. No, really) YOU: (pointing into that Mediterranean Place at 19th and Valencia): There's a boy! YOUR FRIEND: [inaudible - I can't hear for shit - let's assume it was Scripture, y'know, for giggles.] YOU: (pointing at ME): THERE'S A BOY! (emphasis added by me, because this is my post, that's why). ME: Thank you! You: SEE YOU ON MISSED CONNECTIONS. (emphasis added by me because - goddamn - if there was a better invitation for this than that, it would have to be - like - surreptitiously tatooing something on the back of my hand or on my forehead or something.) OH HO! Do you see my point? You literally called me out on this. So I reiterate: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU EVER CUTE. And I think (Q.E.D., see above) that I am not actually being creepy in posting this. So, if I'm not too ancient, or too much like someone who - uh, walks home at night - because that's approximately all you know about me, throw me a "hello". Also, if you're either engaged or married, if you don't think I could take your significant other in a fight, spare us both the headache (newsflash - I can't take him in a fight, not even if he's in an iron lung). p.s. Your pic gets several dozen coupons for approx. $.50 off of each bottle of Dasani OR Arrowhead Bottled Water (I have pics of myself, but, you know, the material can often be more enticing than the aesthetic). p.p.s. That last post-script was a complete lie, I don't think I've saved a single coupon for anything, and I apologize, but cruel children from my elementary school and indifferent parents left me with a feeling I have to overcompensate. Please forgive me. p.p.p.s.: Just so you know, my name is Scott. I just pathologically need to get that out of the way, because otherwise I might set myself on fire. No, seriously, that is such a hurdle for me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-15T00:34:00-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w text Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting. <img src="540076210.1.jpg"> <img src="540076210.2.jpg"> <img src="540076210.3.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Mendocino, Northern Cal <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-15T11:46:40-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch text CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html U: WM, handsome, light beard Me: stiff, thin, green I was checking out the view from our spot in the bushes and saw you walking away. Wanted to shout to you but have no lower jaw or lungs. Would like to keep in touch, but mostly wanted to tell you I enjoyed our time together. hope you see this ad.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-10T17:00:36-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) text Star Wars Guide to the Candidates http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html <h3>Hello America! As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation. Man, it's going to be tough. Well, this is for those of you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no! So without further a-doo-doo, here is your </h3> <center> <h1>Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates</h1></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/mccain.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/vader1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/mccain0508.jpg" style="width:150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>"My friends..."</center></td><td><center>"Luke...."</center></td><td><center>"JOIN ME!!"</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Darth McCain</h2></center><h3>I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him? <center><img src="star_wars/vadernluke.jpg" style="width:200px"></center> ...but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!</h3><center> <img src="star_wars/mccain_bush.jpg" style="width:150px"> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/hansolo2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Edwards2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/edwards.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/HanSolo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>J'han Solo</h2></center><h3>Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/AckbarStanding.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/richardson2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Admiral Akbar</center></td><td><center>Richardsomething</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Admiral Akbill</h2></center><h3>Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/rush-limbaugh.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Jabba.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Limbba the Hutt</h2> <h3>Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!</h3></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/giuliani2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/tarkin-1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Ur Question?</center></td><td><center>Shh! 9/11!</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Grand Moff Giuliani</h2></center><h3>We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/gravel.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/chewbaccalg-785685.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Whobacca</h2></center><h3>Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. "Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/romney.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/luke2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Mitt Skywalker</h2></center><h3>Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/Luke.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Romney2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/obama.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/leia3.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/leiaceremony.gif" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/barack-obama-2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL</h2></center><h3>A young idealist constantly criticized for her "inexperience", Senator Leia Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold... and so stupid." Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J'han Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies, and yet can be a ruthless tactician and even a commando when the sitch requires it. A long experience in grassroots organization (on Endor), and also, pretty.</h3> <center> <img src="star_wars/leiareclined.jpg" style="width:200px"> <h3>I cn haz Bootz. O yes.</h3> </center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/wicket.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Huckabee.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Wicket</center></td><td><center>Huckabee</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Wicket Huckabee</h2></center><h3>Speaking of Endor, that sort of weird foresty place where the Ewoks frolic and enjoy each other's company, right-to-work laws, and a ban on gay marriage, who'd have ever thought Wicket, a Republican true believer in The Force, could ever have risen to lead such a traditionally Democratic tribe? I mean, it's inspirational that he lost 105 pounds (he only weighs about 45 now!) and plays the bass, but can you really imagine introducing him to the UN General Assembly? "Ladies and Gentlemen, President Wicket!" How ridiculous. I don't think so.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/biggs.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/DuncanHunter.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Virtually</center></td><td><center>Unknown</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Duncan Biggs Hunter Darklighter</h2></center><h3>Certainly the candidate with the most dramatic name, unfortunately this veteran congressman and member of the Armed Services Committee hates women and loves the unborn. Also known as "Red Three"; George Lucas doesn't really give us much more to go on, except for a vague homoerotic testimonial offered by Skywalker, who says (huskily) "We're a couple of shooting stars, Biggs, and we'll never be stopped." O rly? Seriously, look it up in the book... it's near the end.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/NuteGunray.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/ChrisDodd.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Nute Dodd-Gunray</h2></center><h3>Not to be confused with Newt Gunray, who isn't running, Nute Dodd-Gunray is primarily backed by the financial services industry, which he also just happens to regulate as chairman of the Trade Federation. <center> Hmmm. Interesting. </center>Did you know he also dated Carrie Fisher for a while? For realio. She dumped his ass.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/Paul.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/kenobi2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Paul2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/kenobi.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Obi-ron Paul-obi</h2></center><h3>Widely respected for his stubborn belief that the whole universe should be run just like his neighborhood on the backwater planet Tatooine, Obi-ron spends a lot of time wistfully remembering the Old Republic. He practices a peculiar interpretation of The Force, in which reducing government to only local control and returning to the gold standard is the answer. Obi-ron reluctantly returned the contributions of the Tusken Raiders and Jawas, whose politics of ethnic slaughter and droid slave trade he justifies as "states rights". While his anti-Empire foreign policy excites the Rebel Alliance, it's pretty much a Jedi mind trick. He's still a crazy old guy living in the desert.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/boba.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/thompson.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Le Fett</center></td><td><center>Le Fred</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Boba Fredtt</h2></center><h3>A fearsome enforcer for sale to the highest bidder, there's a reason they kept Boba Fredtt in the background and didn't let him talk for all that time. It turns out that when you give him a microphone and encourage him to take a bigger role, he's actually kind of dim and boring, even with a kick-ass spacesuit. Remember, when he was on Jabba's sand yacht, a temporarily blinded Solo whacked him with a stick, ignited his rocket pack, and sent him hurtling into the mouth of the Sarlacc monster. Hey, if Solo can humiliate him while blinded, do you really want him as your nominee? Embarrassing, right?</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/tancredo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Greedo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Douche</center></td><td><center>Bag</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Tom TanGreedo</h2><h3>Meh, TanGreedo was a xenophobic freak who got wiped out early. Don't need to worry about him.</h3></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/300px-dennis_kucinich_as_mayor_of_c.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/jar_jar_binks.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/dennis_kucinich1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Jar Jar Kucinich</h2><h3>Nuff said. </h3></center> <h3>Okay, really unfair. But remember how the Gungans were sort of these peacenik bumbly guys who sent Jar Jar to represent them in the Republic Government and then he sort of inadvertently started the Clone Wars or something? Kucinich actually admitted to believing in UFOs, man. I mean, everyone believes, but you don't go around admitting it.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/C3PO.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Biden.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/c3po-1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>SeeJoe Threepio</h2></center><h3>See, the funny thing about Cjoe3PO is that he'd probably make a pretty good leader. The Ewoks thought he was a god, remember? He's smart, informed, an excellent protocol droid, but he annoys the crap out of everyone because you can't shut him up. Still, he's been around since Episode I and looks pretty impressive when he gets all shined up. We could do worse. And what would be more kick-ass than Vice President Artoo? A mega-improvement, I'm just sayin'.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/HillaryClinton.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/lando.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Hillando Clintrissian</h2></center><h3>Here's the thing. The Millenium Falcon was hers to begin with. She only lost it to Bill on a bet. Then she got caught up in that whole Cloud City thing in the Bespin system, which proved she could govern, I guess, but she's kinda hoping you won't remember that she totally sold out the Rebels to Darth Vader. That's how J'han Solo wound up encased in Carbonite and Leia ended up in a bikini on a chain. Hmmm. Actually, not so bad! And Hillando did do some nifty piloting against the New and Improved Death Star. Didn't she also record "Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)"? <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/hillarystaff.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Hillary.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> The thing that scares me is when you talk to her staff, they're like totally dedicated, but kinda scary. Everybody says how Hillando demands their loyalty and efficiency. All we all going to end up being taken over by our Bluetooths? Isn't this getting a little close to Borg territory, which would be a radically different story? Hillando... I just don't know. </center> <h3> Well, that pretty much wraps it up from here. Unfortunately, my favorite candidate isn't running. <center> "Do or do not... there is no try." "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." "Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things." "Named must your fear be before banish it you can." </h3> <center><img src="star_wars/yoda.jpg"> <h1>Vote.</h1> </center>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-02T17:05:05-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html Star Wars Guide to the Candidates text Confessions of a BART Fartist - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/521082131.html If V is for Vendetta, F is for Fartist. The first part of the word is fart for the act of firing bacteria created air and poo particles at an incredible speed. Everyone one does it, and it has been proven that farts bring joy, yet they are taboo in public. The second part of the word is artist because that is what I am. Much like Picasso wielded a paint and easel, I have the ability to practically fart on command and have perfected the ventriloquist and ricochet methods which allow me to strike with devastating accuracy from cover much like a highly trained sniper. My main hunting grounds are the mean streets of BART, which I am forced to endure twice a day for half an hour at a time. Many people from other places tell me that BART is great or some similar shit, but anyone who rides it daily like me knows that it sucks. To pay $10 a day for the right to park and ride to and from work is excruciating, especially on the way home when I think about paying to stand on a packed train with a bunch of self absorbed aholes. But I must give BART some credit, for they launched my career as the most lethal vigilante in history. Here is a list of some of the victims and the methods with which they were punished: Mr. Read the newspaper to his wife on speaker phone guy: You are on the top of the list for one reason and one reason only; you are without a doubt the biggest asshole in history. Who sits there and yells on speaker phone and reads stories about an axe murderer to his wife during rush hour (in the elderly and handicapped seat no less)? You do. I fought for almost two minutes, desperately pumping the volume up button on my iPod trying to block out your transgressions. My career as a fartist started then, my ignorant self absorbed friend, and you were treated to turkey chili con queso. Oooooh it was hot and wet when I crop dusted you, how did it smell? Call your wife and tell her about it. Ms. Lower her shoulder and cram her way on to a way too packed train lady: I could not believe you were actually going to try to cram your way on to our way too packed train, but you sealed the deal when you lowered your shoulder and repeatedly rammed your way into the crowded mass of frustrated passengers. It took me a stop or two, but slowly I was able to back my tight buttocks right up to within 2 feet of your short ugly face. I used the silencer once again but you bathed in it. When you cried, Oh god, who farted? I was crying I was laughing so hard. Two teenage girls talking about sex and two teenage guys talking about taking drugs and driving: You have no idea how stupid you sound talking about subjects like that on a silent BART train during the afternoon commute. I saw one lady actually get up and move away because your conversation was so inane and ignorant. Bonus points for the one girl saying she prefers wine and salmon to a beer and burger now, I cant tell you how impressed we all were with you. The woman behind you who rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat wanted more of your tips on living the high life for sure. And guys, Im not sure what drug exactly you were talking about taking and then driving on the freeway but I just hope you dont take anyone with you when you earn your Darwin Awards. I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover. You were all sitting together in the quad chairs that face each other and no one else was around you for obvious reasons. The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasnt left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes. By the time you realized what was happening I was doubled over laughing on the escalator in the station, I hope my gas taught you something valuable. Silence is golden. Next time, more victims and a discussion over which came first the need to fart or the elevator.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-27T16:55:07-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/521082131.html Confessions of a BART Fartist - m4w text Dear Internet Porn http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html Dear Internet Porn, These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to. When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality. As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her. But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me. I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me. Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there. There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come. So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame. - Your shamed lover  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-24T10:54:56-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html Dear Internet Porn text Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/497575004.html I am *so* serious. Sex has become so boring! For a while, I was having sex at the Power Exchange, because that was fun -- I could mix things up, I could do it in public, and I could have an audience! It was like putting on a show for everyone else, and I got to be the star! Unfortunately, lately we've gone into re-runs, and I'm just not having fun anymore. Let's go to the Power Exchange together. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay HOT ZOMBIE SEX. I mean it. I know it sounds really ridiculous, but I've always loved zombies and the undead, and I've always loved sex, so I want to mix the two. Additionally, I've seen (and am friends with) some really cute zombie girls, and I could really enjoy the mix of horror, terror, shock value in others, and, y'know. Sex. I'll dress up like an office professional or something like that, in some clothes I don't care about, and pretend to be doing some work in an office or something. Maybe then I'll listen to a prop radio and look shocked, act scared, peer out a mimed window or something, and then you batter on the door. And batter, and batter, and push -- and break in! And I let out a blood-curdling shriek, and you lunge at me and rip my clothes apart and splatter fake blood all over me (we'll use a tarp on the floor, to be polite), and proceed to savagely violate me. Or something like that -- I'm not really tied to that exact SCENE, but I think something that goes that way would be fun. Requirements: Be attractive -- sorry, I know, an attractive zombie, but it's possible. HWP, at the very least. Know how to *act like a zombie*. I am specifically looking for someone with *zombie experience*. In San Francisco, I don't think this is asking a lot. Be able to *look like a zombie*. This means dressing the part and knowing how to appropriately do your makeup. Don't be shy. You're going to be dressed like a zombie and growling and groaning and spattering fake blood and all else everywhere. In public. To an audience that may not even be that into it (but I bet they will be!) I'm *not* posting pictures of me this go round for obvious reasons, but if you mail me you're of course welcome to a ton. I'm very pretty. About me: 5'6-5'7", 124#, non-smoker. Red hair, blue eyes, glasses, 32D. Anything else, ask. I am *so* into this idea. I am primarily looking for a *FEMALE*. Males will be *considered*, but are not really what I'm up for. If you are, however, a *zombie couple*, that's acceptable. To that end: t4m t4mw I'm really looking forward to hearing from someone.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-03T13:00:10-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/497575004.html Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w text seeking a roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/488537774.html Hello, I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done! 1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.) 2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged. 3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.) Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!) If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.) You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.) If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots. I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved. I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks. You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time. No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?) This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me. I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE. No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only! You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies! That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests. If you are interested, please email me the following information: 1. Name 2. Occupation 3. Age 4. Allergies 5. Favourite author Cheers!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-24T20:57:45-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/488537774.html seeking a roommate text Rage Against The Vending Machine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/477887403.html Dear Designated Outside Contractor Food Supplier: I must give you high marks for the excellent selection of above-average foodstuffs in our cafeteria. The portions are sensible, the service is wonderful, and the prices generally reasonable, except when it comes to snacky bits. $1.25 is not market rate for a bag of M&Ms. A brace of PopTarts at $1.29 is overpriced by almost 40%. This sort of madness drives me to our building's vending machine emporia... which in turn are driving me to madness, and to authorship of this screed. Who is the crack-smoking numbnuts incapable of competent repetition in the maintenance of a vending machine? I'm not talking about keeping the damn things online (although the snack vendy just around the corner from the cafeteria is suspiciously "out of service" frequently). I'm also not complaining about the slings and arrows of outrageous Fort.: the bag of chips stuck against the glass, the HoHos clinging, mockingly, to the wire spool exp'lled them. These are merely the manifestations of bad karma which we all experience, the dark cloud which only reveals its silver lining when additional coins are inserted to knock free said HoHos with the resounding thunk of a descending MilkyWay bar. Satisfaction, and twice the snacks. No, my complaint, thunderous, and my indignation, righteous, is aimed at the methadone sampler whose job is simply to restock the machine with snacky bits and change. Let us start with the change, for as everyone knows, change is good. If it were me, which it is not, I would value every snack in multiples of 25 cents. Acknowledging that candy prices have risen ridiculously since I was a lad*, surely chips could be 50 cents, candy bars 75, and the Big Hangover Cures (PopTarts, Pound Cake, Danish) a dollar. This sort of price management would mean Quarters-only change. The US Quarter-Dollar being the only reasonably sized and weighted coin o' th' realm, it makes sense to only stock the change mechanism thusly. But no. This being The Big Fancy City, you will have your premium, won't you? 85-cent candy bars. Now you have to involve dimes and nickels... hell, why not just invite the pennies? Or do you have a problem with coins of color? Having all this Numismatic Affirmative Action going on just results in a bloated system* filled with jams and errors. Many times I have found the vendy on the second floor demanding exact change. Many times I have been so craving a Twix that I have crammed in a dollar bill, here, take it you fiend, keep the extra 15 cents, it's worth it! And been denied. Then there's the fifth floor vendy, which simply lets the dimes fall through, like a hot lesbian sitting alone in a bar. "Nope," says fifth floor vendy, "you can go. My candy is not even for sale." And that's even assuming the stupid labels are right. I've noticed they're on a little wheel... so that your Depleted Uranium Cranium simply has to turn the price to match the price programmed into the machine. Why then, do the vending machines take on a slot machine air when I buy my Butterfingers? Why is the price 85 cents on one day, and 95 cents on another? Sure, one day it was 45 cents, but that was the day I helped the old lady cross the street AND I think someone else just forgot their change. Probably because they were injured bashing their skull into the glass in frustration. While I'm discussing labels, why is the burden on me to determine the row and number of my selection? The cafeteria machine, you know, the one that rarely works? Several of the labels are missing... specifically E3, F5, and H0. And why is there a "zero" column, anyway? Are you planning a Vending Expansion that will jeopardize your supply of positive whole numbers? Or are you just showing off your integers, but think negatives would be audacious? The fifth floor vendy even has some labels misapplied. Yes, I should be able to deduce F3's position between F2 and F4, but it has a E3 sticker on it and goddamn it, I eat out of vending machines... I'm probably hungover and need coffee. Throw me a fucking bone! There is nothing less savage than spending your last 85 (?) cents on a 3Musketeers, only to be rewarded with Good N Plenty. Why does bottled water cost more than soda? Isn't water a component of soda? Doesn't it cost more to process that water, add cancerous qualities and caramel color to it, and bottle it under pressure? Whither the price of sugar? Doth it not be high?* Hey, you vendy stocker that puts the "GED" in "Moron", does it occur to you that the reason the Reese's PB Cups sold out so fast is because people like them??? Did they not teach you that in the late-night infomercial? Replacing them with Nature's Own Laxative Bar will, in fact, mean you have less stock work to do, but it rather defeats the purpose. Show a little initiative! Get on the five-year plan! Cripes! Finally, O Ye Who Vend, I verily say WTF about the four (four!) "chilled candy machines" on various floors and in various hidey-spots. First of all, those machines use double the energy, 24/7, of the old-school glass-windowed pinball-machine vendors, just to keep it chill, yo. Second of all, there isn't a window, so I can't see for myself what you're out of... I have to wait for you to dis me with "MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION". Third of all, now all of a sudden you want a full dollar for those M&Ms... that's like 3 cents an M! And fourth of all, chilling candy bars makes them taste nasty, asshat. It's probably the nougatty chemicals or the separating cocoa butter or whatever, but it's serious desperation time when I cough up a dollar for crappy crap food. And don't just advise me to eat the chilled Skittles instead. Skittles were never meant to be jawbreakers. I could load those things into my Colt and pop a Skittle in yo ass. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Headquarters Building. There is a bar to be met here, and I'm not talking about the one in the management lounge. Let's get it in gear and raise efficacy in unattended snack deployment to acceptable levels. Someone could get hurt. * A problem that will no doubt be solved when Ron Paul becomes president and we return to the gold standard.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-13T13:50:52-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/477887403.html Rage Against The Vending Machine text Superstars of San Francisco http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/473136687.html Guy who pretends to be blind Walks around all day with sunglasses and a white tipped cane, but I've seen him at 4am buying dope on Leavenworth and reading a newspaper. I know it is the same person- he wears a really dirty 49ers jacket and pj pants. He is not blind. I don't get it. Woman with fish I was walking behind her and I smelled fish. Not necessarily rotting fish, but definitely fish. When we got to the intersection I saw that she had a bunch of whole fish strung around her neck. I want to be classy too. Toothbrush woman Today she was sitting outside the Hall of Justice at about 2-2:30 pm brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush. When I unlocked my bike and walked past I saw that she was dipping the toothbrush into a bottle of nailpolish remover. What the FUCK?! Teenage girl with boyfriend on a dog leash On the 30 early in the morning I have twice seen the girl (age 15 or 16) sitting with her boyfriend. Normally I would think "aw, what a nice looking highschool couple" Except that the boyfriend had a red dog collar around his neck, and the girl was holding the end of the chain leash. Does anyone else think this is scary? Shower puff woman Homeless woman in north beach with many plastic shower loofahs adorning her hair. Giant baby carraige fetish Guy pushing around his lover (?) in a giant baby carraige in soma. The man sitting in the stroller was wearing a diaper. I'm not even joking a little bit. Come on, no one wants to see that. Man with wrinkled anus tattoo This guy was shirtless and had what from a distance looked like a huge back piece of a hot chick with a thong on. When we got closer we realized she was spreading her cheeks and her bumhole had been rendered in stunning detail. Peeface Peeface is a name my friend gave to the guy who sleeps outside her building. She and her boyfriend have both seen this fascinating ritual performed: When most people wash their faces they use some sort of cleansing material and water. When this guy wakes up, one of the first things he does is pee in a bottle and then ceremoniously douse his bald head and face in piss. Now you know how it is possible for people to reek so strongly of urine. They bathe in it. This is a missed connection with things that don't baffle me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-08T16:19:05-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/473136687.html Superstars of San Francisco text Open letter to Berkeley tree-sitters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466281874.html Dear Berkeley tree-sitters, Let me begin by stating that I like trees. Some of my best friends are trees and I generally support the peaceful coexistence of humans and trees. Similarly, I worry about carbon dioxide emissions and their impact on global climate. I also work on the UC Berkeley campus, and I often walk or ride along Piedmont Ave. on my way to or from work. Thus, I encounter your encampment on a near-daily basis. I see your slogans chalked on the sidewalks. I see your Tibetan prayer flags. I pass through clouds of your collective body odor and exhaled marijuana smoke. Having observed your actions for quite some time now, sometimes I wonder if you've ever considered just how much damage you're doing to legitimate pro-environment, pro-leftist movements everywhere. Let us examine a few key points that may help you understand why your effort to save the oak grove manages to be futile, ridiculous, ignorant, destructive, and offensive all at the same time: (1) Consider what you are fighting for. How many trees does UC intend to destroy for its construction project? (Answer: 38). Is the coast live oak an endangered or threatened species? (Answer: No). Will the removal of these individual trees have any significant impact on the health of the overall population of the species? (Answer: No). Consider how many collective man-hours your campaign has devoted to saving these trees. Has it occurred to you that your time may be better spent focusing on (for example) the huge swaths of the Amazon that are cut down by loggers and developers every day? Are you choosing to protect 38 trees because you really think it is a significant, meaningful cause? I hope not--because that would be ignorant. It seems much more likely that you choose this battle because it is relatively convenient and riskless. Honestly--why don't you sac up and take on a *real* environmental offender? (2) Consider your conduct. Do you intend to win the hearts and minds of the people with catch-phrases like "Guantanamo Berkeley" chalked on the sidewalks? Do you really think you have anything in common with the prisoners currently incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay? Perhaps in a momentary flash of sobriety, one of you will realize just how offensive it is to draw a comparison between your fenced-in encampment and an actual prison. (3) Consider the backlash of your actions. You are the source and embodiment of all negative stereotypes that conservatives hold against liberals. If you're going to stage a protest, are you capable of doing it in a dignified, respectable manner? Hint: smoking drugs in the trees does not exude dignity. Also, consider periodic showers. Rather than winning popular support from pedestrians who encounter your encampment, you are actually contributing to their mistrust and ire toward environmentalists. Perhaps you are Republicans dressed up as hippies deliberately trying to damage public opinion of the left? (4) Consider your hypocrisy. Is that your 60's-era VW minibus parked next to the "Stop driving" message chalked on the sidewalk? Do you know what the gas-mileage on that thing is? (Answer: ~14-18 mpg) Have you considered investing in a catalytic converter? Perhaps you are also the same people who spray-paint "driving" on all the stop signs in Berkeley. Do you think your graffiti will trigger a massive, group epiphany in passing motorists and cause them to suddenly abandon the automobile as a mode of transportation? In reality, your graffiti (and your very presence) only detracts from the natural beauty of this campus and the surrounding town. In summary, do not think for a moment that you exist under a shield of popular support. You are wasting your time on a futile, meaningless cause. If you're going continue living outdoors and imparting your naïve views on pedestrians, I suggest that you move your operation to People's Park (or perhaps the sidewalk of Shattuck Ave) where you can peacefully co-exist with the rest of Berkeley's hobos. Go home. We're sick of you guys.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-01T16:28:36-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466281874.html Open letter to Berkeley tree-sitters text An open letter from your tanning salon owner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466220563.html Okay, I am going to start this rant out by admitting a few things that you are probably already thinking. I know tanning is vain. I know that by owning a tanning salon I am probably thought of as a vacuous and plastic vanity Barbie who doesnt know her ass from a reality special on VH1. I used to feel the same way. Incidentally, this is not true, I am an intelligent college graduate who enjoys being her own boss and lucked in to a successful business that was already well established when I bought it. That being said, I have a number of things and people that I would like to address, and I think I will start with the obvious. 1. To the people who tell me Im peddling cancer, okay, I get that. Ive never claimed that tanning is safe, or good for you, except when I say that a little vitamin d is healthy every once in awhile, and can really help with things such as psoriasis and seasonal affective disorder. Now that we know my feelings on the safety of my product, let me just say thank you to people who feel the need to come up and shout it in my face on a daily basis. Thank you falling down drunk girl with coke rimming your nostrils and a flaming Marlboro Red in your hand. Thank you for pointing out how dangerous tanning is. I can see you are doing everything in your power to ensure your future health. And I applaud you for it. 2. To the girl who came in to the salon with a yeast infection. I get it. I know from personal experience that the doctor told you that exposure to sunlight would help heal your little condition more quickly. I even get why you wanted to come to the tanning salon to get that exposure. It can be hard to find places to sun your naked beaver, what with nosy neighbors and public indecency laws, and I actually find your method to be rather reasonable. What I dont, however, understand is why you decided to bring your box of Monistat 7 into the salon with you, and then leave it in full view, applicator and all, on top of the garbage in the can. Really? This didnt seem a tad embarrassing to you? I mean didnt you think I would notice these rather obvious, not to mention disgustingly offensive objects resting atop a mountain of baby wipes? Objects which were not there after previous clients who used that bed that day, making it glaringly obvious that you were the culprit? Could you not have perhaps, oh I dont know, packed your trash? Or maybe wrapped them up in said baby wipes to hide them? Or at least shoved them under the other trash so I wouldnt have to conjure up a visual of your leaking, itchy vagina shoved up towards the nice clean acrylic of my bed? Just a thought. 3a: To the people who want to bring someone in the room with them when they are tanning. Wait, what? Are you so insecure that you cant even be alone in this strangely compromising situation? First off its totally illegal, and secondly it is dangerous. You may be wearing protective eyewear, but chances are your guest is not. Plus, I dont really need a couple in the room together. I dont want to hear it and I dont want my other customers to think this place doubles as a brothel. I know, I know, Im such a bitch, but Im sure you understand. Oh you dont? You are going to go somewhere else? Well good riddance to you then. Try the whorehouse at the edge of town. They actually encourage this type of behavior. 3b: Okay, I didnt mean to have two sections to this problem, but I think that the story Im about to tell you warrants its own paragraph. To the woman who brought her six-month-old child in and wanted to take her in the room with her while she tanned. WTF? Of course I understand that you are not going to actually Put her in the bed with you, as you so eloquently put it, but that is not a safe place for a child. Do you really think she will close her eyes the whole time she is in there? Do you really think that will help? There is a lot of ambient light that escapes the bed, and I dont think you want to burn your childs retinas. Now I really didnt want to have to baby-sit your kid while you were in there, but I will in a situation like this, and you will be fucking lucky if she hasnt been turned over to child protective services by the time your fifteen minutes are up. Fuck. P.S., thanks for fucking changing her diaper in the room and then throwing that shitty thing in the tiny garbage can. I understand that the dumpster outside is all of twenty feet away, and a real nuisance to get to. So by all means, just leave it in there to stink the joint up and dont bother to mention it to me at all. At least you had the brains to bury it under the other garbage unlike some fuckwads. XOXO. 4. To the person who peed in the garbage can in the room. OMG. Are you fucking kidding me? I dont even really know how to start on this one. I know what its like to have to go really bad, I do. I dont think there is a person in this world that doesnt. And I understand that you are naked and in the middle of your tanning session and dont really want to get dressed, turn the bed off, run to the toilet and then have to get undressed and resume your tanning session. But seriously? Wouldnt that be preferable to pissing in my trashcan? I mean, the room is tiny and so is the can, and I dont even know how you pulled off such a logistically challenging feat in the first place. And I get that we were busy that day, and maybe you thought I wouldnt notice or know who you are, but there were only two of you in there on that particular day, and now I feel weird when either one of you comes in. And trust me, I know it was embarrassing for you, and therefore you couldnt explain to me what you had done, but imagine how I felt when I went to dump the can into another and ended up with pee all over my hands, arms and carpet. I cried for a long time. And luckily some sweet young kid came in at just that moment and took care of the situation for me out of the goodness of his heart because he felt so sorry for me, or else I might have tracked you both down and tortured you until I found out who did it. And then peed on you. Oh, and to my friends who tried to convince me it was just Mountain Dew. It wasnt. Being drenched in someone elses pee is a memorable and rare experience, and the sweet young guy and myself are both positive that it was, in fact, urine. So thanks for that. 5. To the people who come in wearing an outfit and leave missing a part of it, wtf? How do you enter a place wearing two socks and leave with only one? Arent you like, wait, my one foot is cold and Im not sure why? And why is it always the most disgustingly dirty and rank sock in the whole world? And why should I have to touch it to throw it in the garbage? And how in the world did you manage to not notice it sitting in the middle of the room when you gathered up your stuff to leave? My favorite was the girl who left her sports bra here, that was a fun one to deal with. And the underwear in the garbage can? Classy, and enjoyable. Thanks. Much appreciated. 6. To the new guy that signed up for his first time, and when I tried to put him in the front room insisted that he really likes the one in the back. The far back, furthest away from the main lobby. Do you really think you dont instantly stand out as a pervert? And thanks for the animal noises that were emanating from your room the entire time. I went ahead and had one of the boys next door come over and wait with me until you left. We had a good time making fun of you and letting everyone else in the parking lot know what you were doing while you were in there. Yep, thats why so many people were standing around staring at you when you left. I was not however, stoked on having to clean up the bed after you left. I took extra towels in, careful not to touch the one you had used, and then threw them all away immediately after cleaning the bed. To you, hairy, disgusting man who likes to masturbate in tanning salons, I have only one true thanks to give you. Thanks for never coming back again. I would have felt the need to call the police on you. And that wouldnt have been fun for any of us. 7. Finally, to the fake, pretentious So-Cal sluts that come in looking every bit the embodiment of a true tanning aficionado, thanks for acting like such a cunt to me. Thanks for pointing out that I am not that tan, and that I dont look the part of a tanning salon owner, and that my jeans are ripped, that I have dark hair-not skanky platinum blonde, or fake tits, or Im reading a book that wasnt assigned to me in class, or Im knitting, or whatever, non-shopping/tanning/getting my hair or nails done/texting about how drunk and slutty I got the night before at the bar thing you think a tanning salon owner should be doing. Thanks. You are a delight to serve, with your ugly designer bag with some stupid letters on it that cost more than my car, your bitchy, hair flipping attitude, your demandingness, your condescension, your eye-rolling, all of it. Just thanks. Stop for a minute and realize that just because I work here it is not my life. It is a job, and a rather thankless one at times. And people like you are the cause of that. If you dont like it, go somewhere else where they do fit the bill and will give you the same attitude back. Cuz my friends and me are already laughing at you anyway, and it really doesnt make a difference to me. Leatherface. Muah.   <ul class="blurbs"&gt