Originally Posted: 2005-06-04 7:04pm
My Moms Farts
I dont know what it is, maybe it has something to do with what she eats, but my mom has the deadliest farts ever! In my 31 years I've yet to actually hear my mom drop the hammer but the smell is so distinct and rotten that she's guilty the second she lets one rip. The thing is, she rips cord with the best of them. At the dinner table, in line at Costco, Walgreens, Mervyns, it really doesn't matter. She has no preferences, it's green light no holds barred.
Every time she's confronted about it, she plays stupid, pretends like it's an accident or she, "cant control it." I'm not buying that. In fact, I'll even take it a step further. I honestly believe my mom uses her toxic fumes as a form of entertainment. I think she gets off on it. How else can you explain stopping by Yumi Yogurt every single time she goes to Costco. My mom always farts @ Costco. It's automatic. There hasn't been one single time where I've been to Costco with my mom and she hasn't farted. And let me tell you something, may God have mercy on your soul if you are standing directly behind her when she drops the Yumi Yogurt hammer on you! It's bad enough that she could light up about two thirds of the entire warehouse, but if she cuts loose and you catch it head on, you better man up and go pick up a huge jar of tomato sauce and a World War 2 German gas mask. It just aint right.
I'm not even sure if Yumi Yogurt is to blame. She rolls through Costco eating up all the free samples like she's competing in the Olympics. She'll load up on Yogurt, cheese balls, cup cakes, orange juice, she'll even circle the store 2 or 3 times until they finally notice her. Then she'll go get in line and ultimately it'll take about a minute before she breaks wind but let me tell you something, thats when all hell breaks loose.
You have to understand, the fart is so rotten that you can't even pretend you don't notice it. It's unavoidable. It's like a human stink bomb. So of course everybody is standing in line wanting answers to the same question which is, "Who farted?" Everybody starts looking at each other like they are playing the board game Clue. This is actually my favorite part of going to Costco with my mom. She should get an Academy Award for every time she farts and then plays like she didn't do it. She'll start lookin' around, everybody else is looking at eachother, it's basically like a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Some people even become animated and start pulling their shirts up over their noses. My mom just looks around like, "Oh dear, who farted?" She knows it's her! The least she can do is apologize.
The amazing part is my moms' ability to get her gas high up in the jet stream. Her farts have an unbelievable carry to them. It definately doesnt run in the family because my farts seemingly have a 2 foot radius about them. I'm lucky is somebody smells one of my farts. My mom's farts are like a towering, majestic Barry Bonds home run ball that lands into McCovey Cove. The distance they cover is truly amazing.
Then there's my dad who has his own defense mechanism. I call it, "Run For Your Life." The second my dad catches wind that his wife just cut the cheese, he makes a run for it! He'll be in the middle of a conversation and just bounce outta dodge. He Carl Lewis' out the door as if he's being chased by this haunted, golden brown cloud. The funny part is the minute my mom farts and my dad makes a run for it, 9 times out of 10 he looks like the guy who did it! I try to tell him it looks like a fart and run but he figures he looks guilty regardless.
It all came to a head this past weekend in Hawaii. We're boarding the plane and right when we take our seats the pilot comes on and says United Airlines is having some technical difficulty with the PCU unit or some shit. Oh, and the air condition doesn't work either. So we're sitting in this hot and humid airplane for an hour while they fix the problem, no air conditioning and the plane is jam packed with people. Real hot and stuffy. So what happens next? Of course my mom drops hammer!
No, this wasn't the Yumi Yogurt blast either. This was some straight up Hawaiian Lua dead animal type shit. I mean it was straight up rotten times 10 with a touch of coconut. At first I thought the smell was some kind of Islamic militant nerve gas. Seriously, I thought it was the fuckin' Jihad! Plus, I saw a couple sketch looking guys sitting in row 23. Then I realized it was my mom because she was silently giggling. Oh I forgot to mention my mom giggles when she farts. She thinks it's funny.
So the whole plane just reeks of dead animal eggs, people are literally gagging, I heard the lady about 3 rows back say, "I can't take it anymore..." and believe me, she wasn't talking about the heat. I was sitting right next to her and I thought I was going to die.