There are so many things you don't know about me and my life outside of this hypocritical soul-snuffing job that you seem to love so much that you even volunteer to come in on the weekends.
And while I find it unreasonable that I've been here for six months, and you and most of the staff refuse to learn my name, you seem to think it's charming and quaint - even "cute" that I get upset over this.
Since you - you, bleach-blonde-perm-from-the-80's-hick-jacktard think we're "so much alike" here are a few things to dispell that idiotic notion from that precious little brain of yours. Take this as some unsolicited advice that you so desparately need.
1) The japanese screen that separates us IS NOT SOUNDPROOF! I hear you call your therapist, pop your pills in the afternoon, and weep when someone asks you to do something "really hard." Furthermore - I tell ANYONE that will listen about this - and laugh at you. Especially the good folks on craigslist, because - hey, if you're reading craigslist at work, odds are you are in the same Styx-bound boat as me.
2) I fantasize a lot at work - about various things, good, bad and ugly. As of late, my favorite fantasy is about pushing you out the only window in our office. Mostly because you insist on keeping it shut with the shades drawn. You fucking retard. We live in California. Open the god damned window and let some fresh air in. Maybe it'd make you stop wimpering for a couple of minutes.
3) Nobody likes you. NOBODY. Except for the obese woman that works on the other end of our floor that you lunch with sometimes. I'm thrilled that I've never been witness to this. However, nobody likes me here either because of my association with you. And that really blows, because I (unlike you) do not suck - and there are lots of people who like me outside of this fuck-hole.
4) I've been looking for another job ever since I hit the one-month mark here. Yes. I couldn't even make it a month here - not since that Buddihst nun-monk friend of yours started screaming at me on a weekly basis. She sucks. Fuck her. Y'know, fuck her twice for disgracing Buddihsm.
5) Remember last week, when you were talking about all those people at the bar on your uptight little ferry? How they tell you that this is an unjust war for oil so that decadent Americans can drive their ridiculous SUV's, and that you, "Just know that they're all jealous of me because MY SUV is SO cool..." You actually made me throw up a little in my own mouth. I didn't think that was something that adults really did, but there it is.
6) That gross guy that you flirt with in the other department? HE'S GAY!!! Yep. That's right - gay as the day is long (and around here, it feels like the day is only about 15 minutes shy of eternity - so that's alatta gay). Furthermore, when you two are over there talking about your gas, please remember #1 on my list here - THE JAPANESE SCREEN IS NOT SOUND PROOF. You both are gross.
7) When you tell me to do "A" do NOT wait until I'm finished to tell me that I should have done "B" instead and/or first. It doesn't make you seem more powerful or intelligent to undermine me like that, as a matter of fact, it makes you come off as the exact opposite. Your are weak and ineffective and you will never change. And really, even if anyone believes that I'm as mentally retarded as you would portray me to be, aren't you the real moron for hiring me?
8) I do not care about your cat. I don't know (or want to know) what kind of malfunction your ex-husband and you had that now compells you to treat this animal as if it were your soul mate. I like animals just the same as everyone else, but you literally have 79 pictures of this thing in our office. SEVENTY-NINE - I counted. That's ridiculous. I don't want to waste one more second of my life feigning interest in your latest pictures of "baby." It's a cat - a full-grown adult cat. He doesn't grow or change or even go to exciting places - he's dull, like you. WHY would I want to see a picture of that? I don't even understand why you continue to take pictures of him. Rule of thumb: unless you shave him and dye him bright green, do not even approach my desk about it. M'kay?
9) You have no sense of humor. You don't get my jokes. I try very hard to be funny - it's really the only way to make it through the day. The amount of material that I waste on you would fill ten "best of" craigslists. You probably like those "Blue Collar Comedy" shows.
10) I'm sure one of these days I'm going to get my half-box of Splenda and "bitch" mug and just walk out of this office and never come back. And you of course will have no idea why - so I'll tell you again. I hate you. I can't wait.