After reading the latest Best of Craigslist, I've come to believe that if your post is going to make it to Best of CL, you'd better include some cat shit in there.
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So, I've just spent the night at the apartment of this friend-of-a-friend chick I finally scored with after months of chasing her (without looking too desperate.) I had to figure out how to get back to Oakland on the bus since I crashed there after my friends went home; she was half-asleep so she just kind of pointed to the computer.
Now, I admit I'm a fucking CL junkie, so after looking up my bus route I checked CL - score! New Best of Craigslist! I started reading - hell, she's asleep anyway - one after the other.
What happened? Why has Best of CL gotten so sucky lately? For some reason, a rant that you wouldn't listen to if it was your cubemate bitching about the service at a restaurant is suddenly OH SO AMAZINGLY CLEVER that the whole world has to see it.
Who gives a fuckity fuck fuck about people who take a long time to pick soups at Souplantation? What about the ex-wife's engagement ring is so DESPERATELY INTERESTING that it has to be stored for posterity in the place we go to to actually be AMUSED?
Where are the real people with balls - the guy who fucked over all the twits wanting to go to the Inaugural Ball? The simple pleasure of "I cannot receive oral sex on Tuesday" - hell, where are the likes of the best CL post ever, PIT BULL VS. RACCOON? I'll even take a Furry!
Fuck this. I've got to take a dump. I go to the bathroom and start thinking about what it takes to get on Best of CL. Yeah, when I'm on the pot, it's either read or ponder stupid shit.
The most sure ways to get on Best of CL are as follows:
a) recount a fucked up fuck session
b) bitch about a coworker
c) write a "Fill in the blank" form for missed connections ("I saw you in _____ you were drinking a _____ and we looked at each other you were sitting by the ____") OH. HOW. CLEVER.
Then I hear a scratch at the door.
Oh, it's the girl's cat. I let him in.
There's a litter box over by the shower. He goes to use it.
A minute passes, and the cat leaves - I think nothing of it.
OH my GOD!!! What the fuck!!!
The absolute WORST stench I've ever smelled wafts to my side of the bathroom. Worse than running a lawn mower over forgotten Easter eggs in June. Worse than a thousand pounds of roast beef gone bad in the back of the fridge. Worse than the smell of a homeless guy's feet.
It's like a brown viscous cloud, and it hangs on me.
What the hell does she feed this cat?
I get up and jump out.
OF FUCKING COURSE.
She's standing outside, patiently waiting to use the bathroom. The really cute, really cool chick I just fucked is WAITING TO USE THE BATHROOM.
On top of that, I didn't even have time to wash my hands.
She goes into the bathroom and it's quiet for a moment, then I hear her flush. In my rush to get away from the stench, I FORGOT TO FLUSH.
I hear the window open. I hear the spray can going.
I slink to the bedroom and get my clothes on. She comes out of the bathroom, brow furrowed. I walk to the door without saying a word. Needless to say, there's no goodbye kiss.
On the bus on the way home, I realized one thing I'd forgotten. Of all the Best of CL postings, there's one common denominator:
d) You must include some kind of fecal matter. Whatever the poo, it'll do.
Oh, and one last thing. To get on Best of CL, you have to whore out your posting with:
"Please click the Best Of link at the top right so everyone can see this."