Originally Posted: 2005-05-16 4:19pm

Holy book asswipe: my consumer report

I prefer an acid-free two ply New Testament, but beware when you get near the end... it's super absorbent and tends to get so loaded with crap that it just won't flush. If you don't mind a brimstone scent, keep this section around in case of a nasty sinus infection and use it to 'sound the trumpet.' Otherwise, I have accepted this book as my personal asswipe.

The Old Testament chafes: Leviticus caused a particularly nasty rash. I consulted the book (fortunately, I hadn't used that part yet) and it said the rash was a curse from God and the only treatment involved killing my firstborn son. Fuck that.

I also used to keep a stock of The Koran, but you can only use your left hand and for whatever reason, the other books started spontaneously combusting when I introduced it into my collection. Do NOT store next to the Old Testament.

The four Hindu Vedas sometimes don’t flush all the way, and your shit will come back to haunt you. Also, the design is so funky you need ten arms to use the stuff.

The Book of Mormon was a rip-off as well: it’s a bad copycat of the New Testament and keeps baptizing characters from all the other books against their will. High pressure salesmen, but they tend to be polite, well-dressed, and efficient record keepers.

NEVER get any of the Buddhist /Taoist brands or other "Eastern" variants. They're invisible, so you never know if they're real or a brilliant marketing ploy. Because of its clarity, you're forced to see all of your own shit. In reality, I'm probably just wiping my ass with my hand (what is the sound of one hand wiping?) and am deceiving myself into believing that I’m using a book to make myself feel better.

I even tried a Wiccan 'Book of Shadows', but it reeked of patchouli and stopped working for me once I quit doing drugs.

Finally, Dianetics costs too much, the salesmen won't take no for an answer, and it's only good for bullshit. Once I stopped using it, they locked me in my bathroom and threatened litigation. Please send help. My shaving cream SOS on the window doesn't seem to be working.

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