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Originally Posted: 2005-05-11 11:12am

Get THAT Girl

Here’s the deal: there are those unbelievably hot chicks and those really cool trolls. Somewhere in the middle there’s the rest of us. Oddly, I’ve ended up almost as hot as the hot chicks and nearly as cool as the trolls. To be honest, this still befuddles me because deep inside I’m still the frizzy-haired 7th grader who cried because the other girls gave me a note that said “we don’t like you.”

So, because I like men and I see a lot of cool guys getting passed up for lame reasons, let me give you some information about the 5-15% of women that are not too intimidating to talk to and yet cool/attractive enough that you would want to bring them out with your friends or home to your folks. Nothing wrong with the 95-85% of other girls (actually much easier to get, keep and stay happy with) but this is for those who are in love with the seemingly unattainable and need some tips.

Barring dramatic plastic surgery, beautiful girls have probably been that way for a while. At around 13 they begin a long series of choices that ultimately determines which of the “Pretty Girl” options will become their life:
a. Milk it. Get everything they can for free. Marry/sleep with someone who can and will give them everything they want.
b. Become so conceited that they talk about this all the time, lose any female friends, not to mention the personality factor, and bitch constantly (the blond, curly haired chick on MTV’s Real World Challenge is such a stunning example of this that I just stooped to citing reality TV).
c. Wear sweatpants, gain a lot of weight and adopt cats from the SPCA.
d. Have fun, get laid by the best looking guys, be the “hot chick” of the group and let everyone know how great they are from time to time.
e. Ignore it, don’t talk about it, surround themselves with loving, protective people who won’t hit on them or talk about it and get on with their lives.

Thanks to a loving family and some good genes, I was a very smart 13 year old. It took about two minutes to realize that group “a” is comprised of glorified sluts, “b” is just unhappy, “c” is weird, and “d” always ends up with some frat boy mirror image who leaves her for the hotter girl ten years down the line. So, I’ve gone with the final option. Denial can be a very positive thing.

The only problem is that when one reduces herself to doing the best they can from a normal standard (not the amazingly-low standards hot girls enjoy) they tend to try harder to be better people. If you are not doing the boss, you damn well better make a good cup of coffee. Or know how to spell. Or have a college degree. So what happens is the “e” strives to be an all around good person, blind from their protected sphere that society only expects them to not hit, yell or run with scissors. She is the hottie that is down-to-earth, has a great job, is well-traveled, loves her family and has great friends. So, in essence, the 13 year old “e” eventually grows up to be “That Girl.” Mary in “Something About Mary” is an excellent example.

Thanks for sticking with me through the boring development phase. Now here’s the good part: how to get “That Girl”

1. Self Analysis. Are you a genuine, honest and confident person aware of your limitations and strengths? If you think of the top 5 things you want to do in your life have you done, or are you actively doing, at least 2? Are you in a place where you could keep someone with deservedly high standards around? Tough questions I know, but this is key. “E”’s can read people like you can read an Applebee’s menu. They’ve spent their whole life actively avoiding those who are shallow, jerks and masqueraders. They have made a conscious decision to take a more difficult journey because of strong ideals and low egos.

As weird as it seems, just because she is gorgeous doesn’t mean that’s important to her (this is true only for “e” and “c” women). Of the 3 or so men I sometimes still think about, all were less than 6 feet and my friends only found one to be “kinda hot.”

If you fall short here, be honest and improve yourself before you employ the method because it will work, but only if you are a really, really great person deep down inside. You know if you are. You know if you aren’t. Don’t fake it on this one because it won’t work. Get an MBA and go for the “a” or bleach your teeth and get a “d”.

2. Identification. If she EVER discusses with you in the others inordinate level of attraction towards her, whatever the wrapping she puts around it, she is a mere veiled “a” or “d.” If you find she is nicer to you only after you’ve done something for her, she is an “a”. If her friends seem like the popular clique in high school and you sense that they secretly hate her, she is a “d.” If male/lesbian waiters practically pass over when she walks in but she doesn’t seem to notice, knows them by name and doesn’t expect free shit, good chance she’s an “e”.

3. Get the date. Here’s the secret: despite their kick back attitude “e” gals are extraordinary cautious of dating. They have met so many people into them for the wrong reasons that they have created a bubble of safe, platonic people who adore them and you trying to force your way in is not going to happen.

So be nice to them. CASUALLY. No pick up lines. No pressure. Nothing obvious. Just be very nice. Talk to them about something they are passionate about (the one guy that I ever loved started talking to me about the poetry). Don’t try too hard. Don’t feed the dog when they’re on vacation, but ask how their trip was. Maintain dignity. Be a little mysterious and a have limits. It’s sexy.

After you are nice for a while, casually ask her somewhere. If she comes up with something like “I don’t date” act surprised and offended that she thinks it was a date. Make it awkward without you looking like the conceited one or blowing it out of proportion (subtlety is key!). Let her think that THAT was her idea, not yours. Trust me, she is painfully adverse to leading men on. More than likely, she has been accused of it since puberty and it hits a nerve. Maintain bits and pieces of conversation. Then, and honestly I mean this, she will ask you to do something. Do it, even if you have to miss your sister’s wedding, because otherwise she’ll feel rejected. And “e” girls don’t deal with rejection because, frankly, they don’t have to.

4. Keeping her. Maintain your dignity. Don’t become too vulnerable too fast. You want to be different from the many that have been love-sick over her before. Only time before each milestone will make her felt like she earned it will allow her to think this is genuine. In her mind, time translates to her feeling like you love HER not what she represents. Play your cards close to your chest. This is a good time to tell your best friend how into her you are – just don’t tell her. Remain calm and mature, maybe slightly detached. Do not go all crazy on her no matter how in love you are.

She has high standards. This does not mean she wants you to take her to dinners you can’t afford or pay her bills. It means be on time, brush your teeth, open the door and don’t be mean. If you don’t meet her expectation list, someone else will. Though she acts naive, never believe for a second that she does not know her wish is someone else’s command. That sucks if you are lazy, but the flip side is that girls like her don’t have a roaming eye. She’s used to having safe, comfortable, easy relationships and expects this one to be as well. If you are good to her, she will never, ever leave you. Won’t even cross her mind, as weird as that sounds.

Once you’ve reached the verbalized love stage (and it damn well better be at least 6 months if you want this to be long term) continue to maintain dignity. Do little, occasional surprises but don’t go over the top or she will feel like you are buying her. Don’t create unnecessary drama. Be attentive to her needs. Once in a while she will go out of your way to test you, to make sure you care about her. Give in to these little tests about ½ the time, unless she does it more than monthly. Never fight. Make the most mind-blowing passionate love that you have ever had then do not talk after. Just hold her. Look in her eyes for 20 minutes but don’t verbalize. Be a MAN. Tell her about your childhood as you are driving and holding hands. Most importantly, never worship her, just love the hell out of her.

If she has created a wall and you get around it, she will think about you for the rest of her life. Also, she will be with you until you screw up.

Nice guys sometimes win. Go make it happen.

Please note: This is not some lame, veiled attempt at getting a date. I’m happily with someone and not looking. And, if you read this carefully, you’ll know e’s don’t stray!

post id: 72823945

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