Originally Posted: 2005-05-09 6:45pm
I live with a stalker
My cat is stalking me. Not in that "you're an amalgam of rodents and you must die" way. But in that "you're a giant furry and I must have you" way.
She follows me from room to room. (It's creepy, sometimes I think she's asleep and then when I walk out of the room, she's suddenly tailing me.) When I'm in bed, she finds ways to rub up against me under the guise of "just saying hi." When I'm in the shower, she makes excuses to come into the bathroom and stare.
She's a female feline Pepe Le Peu.
Don't get me wrong, I really like my cat. *As a friend.* But there are reasons I don't want to date her.
1. She's kinky. Who wants to french kiss someone who moans with pleasure while licking her own butt? (Well, you might. Me, not so much.) And that spaced-out kneading the blankets while drooling thing--what's that about?
2. She's lazy. Sure, she'll bring home an occasional half-dead meal now and then. Nothing expensive. Usually the portions are small and unappetizing, and that's the extent of her contribution to the household.
3. She's messy. Her personal hygiene is beyond reproach (can you say "vain"?) but she's been known to pee on the living room floor. That's not what I look for in a partner.
4. She neglects her health. No matter how sick she is, in order to get her to go to the doctor I have to practically stuff her into a cardboard box and drive her myself.
5. She has poor communication skills. I'm constantly having to guess what she wants.
6. She's a party animal. Out half the night, returning at 5 a.m., whining at me to have breakfast with her. Then she sleeps all day while I'm at work.
As a roommate, she's great. We like the same T.V. shows, she's affectionate, she's fun, she's always there for me. She never eats my food (I'm vegan). But as a romantic partner, she'd be a disaster. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?