Originally Posted: 2005-05-07 7:40pm
He's just too little, and he's just too big!..........NEXT!
My recently captured boyfriend and I are at an oral standstill. Yes, I captured him. I used every womanly wile I could conjure up to catch him in my wily web. I'm a woman that knows what she wants when she sees it, and I have a 99% success rate! I am woman! Watch me or watch out!
My new man is indeed quite the catch. He's as handsome as any handsome. He has a personality that can wow ANYBODY! He's as intelligent, well, as.......ME!
And on top of it, he's the funniest man I've ever encountered!
My new man and I finally got to the we're finally going to have sex part.
I was READY. HE was ready. Lights down, clothes off! Ummm. I'm impressed. Who knew that under those clothes a beautiful body awaited! What pecs! And that washboard stomach. And that love trail leading down from his perfectly shaped furry chest to his............oh. I didn't expect that AT ALL! Quell Suprise! He sports a real prize down there. A real SurPRIZE.
He's big. Really...b i g. I could tell he enjoyed my undeniable shock and awe.
During my seduction, I had boldly promised that I was a "natural" when it came to oral satisfaction. Hey, I wasn't expecting this...this abberation.
He had told me that he LOVED, almost more than anything, GIVING oral to a woman. And he was ready. I suggested that we toss a coin to see who goes first. He thought that was hilarious. I was scared. I had reason to be. I don't exactly have the jowls of a lion...
Being the trouper that I am, I decided to face this head head on. So, as I play lady godiva to the DOD (dick of death), he makes a surprise move and lands his pretty face right down in my love boat. Ohhhhh. Goodie. Sixty Nine. This would help distract him while I literally opened my mouth as wide as I possibly could, then used both hands to STRETCH my mouth open as close to my ears as possible before taking the plunge...
Miracle of miracles. I actually got my lips over the one eyed head of the monster before me!!! shit. My gag reflex automatically kicked into overdrive as I felt my face stretching and my eyes turning to slits. Oh brother. I CAN'T go any further!
Meanwhile, he's down there, and with the equivalent of a watermelon in my mouth, I realized......I'm not feeling a THING!!! Just what is he doing down there? Well, of course, I couldn't ask...
I wasn't in any position to help him out, so I just thrust my pelvis forward, and STILL.....nothing! Meanwhile, he's trying to push that thing further into my mouth. It wouldn't budge. He's moaning and I heard slurping noises, but STILL felt nothing but for the realization that I had to get that out of my mouth before I suffocated. My little nostrils just weren't providing enough oxygen to my brain!!!
As I tried to excavate this monstrosity from my petite mouth,.......it WOULDN'T MOVE! STUCK! OMG, what a way to go. I literally thought I actually might be wearing a tag on my toe within no time. What would my MOTHER tell everybody at my funeral regarding my untimely demise??
Before I felt myself slipping away, I was able to find strength to clutch the back of his head pulling his hair out from my nether region! WHAAAAAAAA....he looked down at me as I'm holding his member for dear life trying to pull it out!!!
POP! Out it came! This must be akin to giving birth. OWWWWWW!!! That was him.
I fell back gasping for breath and he sits up looking bewitched bothered and bewildered!!!!
It seemed like years passed before I was able to speak. Hey King Kong, didn't you notice, or have any inkling that your..your...tree trunk was STUCK and that I almost DIED from SUFFOCATION, you Anaconda Asshole!!! And WHAT exactly were you DOING DOWN THERE! I couldn't feel a THING!!!
Yes, I was pretty rough on him. Why don't we go in the kitchen and get that cantelope I just bought and try to shove it in YOUR MOUTH!!!! I.....I.....he started. Oh SHUT UP!!!! Okay, I panicked, I admit. And what in the hell were you doing down there??? I FELT NOTHING!
He looked at me like a sad little boy. I.....I.....tried my best.
And then he showed me. He opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out. I looked.
Yeah? Well, STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT IF YOU WANT ME TO SEE IT!!!! GRRRR. I did he said. No you didn't! You stuck PART of it out and what exactly is your point!!! That's it. That's my tongue. My whole tongue. ......Hunh? But, but we've french kissed before and,...and there's more tongue there, I KNOW IT!
He showed me again. ALL THE WAY I ORDERED.
Well, no wonder I felt nothing. His tongue is the only about 2 inches long. And skinny. It looked like a little sweet pickle, but smaller, and not green.
Yet he can TALK normally and EAT normally. WHAT happened to the rest of your tongue??? That's all God gave me, he said woefully.
OH GOD IS GREAT, GOD IS GOOD!!!!!! He gives you a dick that belongs on a farm animal and a tongue the size of my baby toe!!! SWELL!
That moment was the end of the affair. We both knew we could not attempt to try this ever again.
He's just too little, and he's just too big.