Spreading joy wherever I go....
Yes, I just spent the last 8 hours in the library. In a law library. Should the opportunity ever arise for you to go sit in a law library 4 days before law exams commence, don't.
Let me clue you in. Law students are anal-retentive fucks. Well, most of them. The rest of them, me included, have coping mechanisms that basically involve us either screwing off or pissing everyone around us off. Usually both.
SO today I am trying to study. There is a ginormous sign on the wall that says no eating. No talking. No cell phone activity. Offenders will be removed, etc, etc. Really scary shit. I am high on adderall, (I am rotating between adderall and ritalin for studying. ON the plus side, I am still off the valium, xanax, and alcohol. Someday I will look back on sentences like that one and wonder when I became a junkie and a pillhead and when I actually acknowledged it. But Not yet.)
So I am trying to wrap my mind around the acceleration clause exception to the rule of anticipatory repudiation (it's gone) and this girl sits down next to me at a little study booth. She unpacks. Everyone in the room huffs in annoyance as she settles in. It was the main noise all day. A hundred kids huffing in frustration at each other, mostly when people came and left.
We are all high on study drugs, crabby, and on a deadline. The girl next to me pulls OUT AN APPLE AND CRUNCHES INTO IT. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH, snorf, snorf, snorf, snorf, gulp. Smack. CRUNCH... people are huffing. People are shooting her so many evil looks that some of them deflected off her and stuck to me, probably because she was hot and I was not.
I turn to her, smile politely, and whisper, "take the fucking apple outside or I am going to beat your ass."
"EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?" she asks.
"SHHHHHHHH!" huffs everyone within 30 feet.
I pointed to the door.
"IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT!" she yawps.
SHHHHH. SHHHHH. SHHHHH. SHHHHH.
I stand up. I am a tall gal. I have her by a good 6 inches. "TAKE. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. APPLE. OUTSIDE."
She got up and ran outside. She returns with a security guard. I am back to anticipatory repudiation.
"HER!" she squawks. "SHE THREATENED ME!"
Point of information - a security guard at a law school has little to no power, KNOWS everyone looks down on him, and TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ANY CHANCE TO WIELD HIS SQUIRTGUN.
"I did not threaten her. I threatened her apple."
He hitches up his pants. "I think we have a problem here."
No shit, sherlock. It is statements like that that are the reason I am on THIS side of that uniform and you are on THAT side.
"Go eat a donut. Take the bitch with you so she can eat her apple. BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THE REST OF US CAN STUDY!"
Everyone clapped - and then immediately shooshed each other for clapping.
Silence. The security guard tries to stare me down. THAT's gonna happen. Sorority girl informs me she is going to "report me". I have no idea what that means. I may get sent to the principals office. Do we have a principal? Security guard, also shorter than me, hisses that if he has to come back, he is going to forcefully remove me. I start laughing. Someone oinks. My first thought was that it was a veiled insult about my extra ten. Then I realized, no, everyone was on my side. Security guard goes over and starts fucking with the oinker. Someone else oinks. Someone else stretches and cracks a knuckle and is immediately and forcefully shooshed.
Sorority girl loudly gets her shit and moves. I guess I had cooties or something.
She sat down across the library, PULLED OUT HER PHONE AND CALLED HER FRIEND TO TELL HER WHAT A BITCH I WAS. Ahhhh, you should have heard the huffing and shishing. My friend and drug dealer came on shift at the front desk. He had her tossed.
I still have no idea what anticipatory repudiation is, and my adderall is wearing off and my head hurts.
But yes, I am still winning friends and influencing people and spreading joy wherever I go.