Give me back my STAPLER.
This morning I came in to find my stapler missing. Some WORTHLESS piece of GARBAGE came into MY office and FUCKING STOLE my stapler. For the past hour, I have been going from office to office, demanding the return my stapler. I have sent out five emails this morning, demanding the return of my stapler. I am very upset. People are telling me to "calm down". But people should know my stapler is very important to me. My secretary tried to calm me down by offering my a different stapler. I grabbed the piece of shit stapler from her fat little hands. I slammed the stapler against my brick office wall multiple times. I screamed "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MY FUCKING STAPLER? DOES IT!? DOES IT!? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!" I think she went to human resources to complain but I don't care. I have been fantasizing about what I will do to the person who took my stapler. If they like my stapler so much than I'm sure they won't mind when I staple their eyelids and nostrils together. It is a very heavy-duty stapler and I am confident in its ability to securely staple flesh.
Give me back my stapler. It's not funny (at all). I know you probably read this board. Asshole.