Originally Posted: 2005-03-24 5:39pm
my white whale - the office mystery shitter!
You are ever so elusive - able to leave behind incredible evidence of your journeys into the office bathroom, yet nimble enough to never be spotted. I know you are here though, this sea is not a mighty one, and I can sense you lurking. Maybe you dart by me when I walk down the hall, or maybe you linger in a cube across from me...
Your activities in the bathroom are legendary. Let me just say, for those who are not familiar with our shared waste recepticle area, that it is a meager room and unfortunately the only such recepticle on our floor, and thus our company. Its two stalls are far from comfortable, at least for my squeamish tastes. The one in the back of the bathroom is the handicap stall, large, expansive, and equipped with a modest magazine collection, arguably palatial. The other is precariously situated *in front of* and to the side of the handi-stall, it is thus, the gunner stall - exceptionally small, cramped, crowded, and far from private. You can actually see into the hallway when sitting on the gunner's toilet when someone opens the bathroom door via the large gaps between the stall's partitions. Also, if someone in the handi-stall were to lean forward while on the can they'd have a view of the gunner's ass through said gaps. So as one has probably already realized, the handi-stall is by far the more preferable, albeit dauntingly spacious, of choices one has when required to purge the great intestinal factory.
Now, a few weeks back I, heady and full of pep, rushed into the handi-stall only to find that some monster had exploded what must have been a bomb in the toilet. No water remained. Only the remnants of what appeared to be some charred, blackened organic mass. Surely this had to be an act of vegenence or hostility. What poor beast had been sacrificed to deliver this awful message? As I fled in a panic back to my cube the horrible reality of what had occured sunk in...
I relegated myself to the gunner stall. A week or so passed... Finally, I had had enough of the monkey cage when I dared return to the waters of the handi-stall. Surveying the scene quickly and from a distance, everything looked clear. For a few days I lapsed back into feeling secure in using handi-stall. That false sense of security was smashed when one day I happened upon a floater! This was no mere terd. Incredible as it was, I once again fled in terror. I was unable to comprehend the reality of witnessing such a sight. Was it really possible that some creature of the deep had left behind its spoor unknowingly?! How could this possibly be? Surely the creature wasn't trying to display its excretory stature for all to see, or was it?
Again, I was forced to forgo the modest security of the handi-stall until my nerves were sufficently calmed. I made the long awaited voyage back into the deep, and once again for a short period of time all was calm. Until last week! If the first two incidents were storms in the sea of communal defecation, then sir, this was surely a typhoon of titanic proportions. Unimaginable, but all too real - poop on the seat. There it was, left behind for all to behold. It wasn't even on the backside of the seat, oh most unholy of follies, it was on the side!
Dispite the predomaniance of evidence left behind by this most diabolical of beasts, I have yet to sight him. Its savagery is matched only by its stealth. And yes, it continues to lurk in the shadows of the office sea. Who is it? When will it strike next? Who's hand should I avoid shaking? I know you're still out there; part of me needs to know which one of you is really the mystery shitter - the white whale. Mind you not out of sheer curiosity, but rather out of a longing for safety and avoidance of all that is vile. Part of me fears that very knowledge.
Lord only knows what evils have been exacted upon that innocent stall and erased from history by the unfortunate cleaning crew. Please, out of kindness for their sakes, please(!) leave these waters pure and untainted.
Until our next transient encounter... I'll be out there, vigil, alert, yet shattererd of nerve.