PERSONALS ADS TIPS FOR THE MEN FROM A WOMAN
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Yes, this is long, and detailed. But hold on there, partner – it’s to your benefit to read this. Go on, settle in, crack open a beer, and take advantage of this valuable opportunity to learn How To Score Women Off Craigslist.
Lately I have seen some pleas for advice on writing personals ads, and oh man, I seen some unfortunate responses to a couple I have put up. So, as an act of benevolence for the benefit of both CL men and women, and in an effort to pump up the scoring average of San Franciscans everywhere, please, allow me to put forth some suggestions regarding your construction of an effective, attractive ad, and hopefully, your subsequent gettin some. If you follow my advice, I guarantee you your booty quotient will expand exponentially:
RULE #1: PICTURES
THE GOLDEN RULE OF PHOTOS: If you do not have a picture to exchange, then you have no right to be up in here emailing chicas and trying to hook up. Please! This is 2002! It’s amazing the amount of tech-savvy guys who have about a million reasons for not having a picture. Of COURSE you are cute, attractive, charming, brilliant, easy on the eyes, handsome, all that…..we ALL are, and we believe you. Really, we do. So prove it, hot stuff.
**** - PHOTO HOT TIP #1: “I DON’T HAVE A SCANNER”. If you don’t have a digital camera or a scanner, take some pictures of yourself on a regular camera with regular film, and then take them to Walgreen’s film developing, where, for the low, low price of about $5, they will put all the photos on a floppy disc for you. Voila! Photos to email. And if you’re a big spender, baby, you can get high-quality images on CD for just $10. But aren’t you worth it?
**** - PHOTO HOT TIP #2: MORE IS MORE. Send more than one picture. The more photos you send, the more likely we’re gonna like you from all angles and get back to you. It ain’t about how ‘good looking’ you are, guys, we want to know if you’re our kind of good-looking. Everyone likes different flavors: some of us like vanilla, others butterscotch, still others raspberry peanut butter swirl (me personally I like bad boy hipsters, reminiscent of the taste of chronic, with notes of licorice and coffee, mmm).
**** - PHOTO HOT TIP #3: THOSE DICK PICS. Regarding your lovely DICK pictures. Please, lads, don’t send us pictures of your monster schlong until we’ve asked for them, or have accepted your polite offer of them. A little secret here: women, on the whole, are much, MUCH more interested in your eyes, face, shoulders, etc., than we are your cock. Yes, your dick is pretty, yes, your dick is big, yes, your dick is the best damn dick in the world, but it’s not the first thing we want to see. It’s pretty lame to have some guy send you a picture of his cock without one of his face – if we wanted a dildo we’d go to Good Vibrations – we want a man, and that means a dick with a big ole delicious body, mind, & soul attached to it!
**** - PHOTO HOT TIP #4: BE REAL. Don’t send your very best picture of yourself, or, if you do, send it along with some less fantastic pictures (see photo hot tip #2, above). No one likes a perpetrator, and the look of disillusionment when she hooks up with your photographically Armani-model lookin’ ass & gives you that look of veiled horror – well, you don’t want to subject yourself to that, do you? BE REAL. We women LOVE REAL!!!
· Remember, no woman is going to meet you without seeing your picture. This is as much about safety as it is troll-proofing. With all the Ted Bundys and Jeffrey Dahmers out there, us girls got to watch our backs. Don’t be a hater.
RULE #2: GRAMMAR
**** - GRAMMAR HOT TIP #1: DO NOT USE CAPITALS. It is RUDE, it is hard to read, it is VERY UNSEXY.
**** - GRAMMAR HOT TIP #2: Mind your P’s and Q’s. We really do notice when you type ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’ and ‘discrete’ instead of ‘discreet’. It makes you look dumb, sport, and we know you’re a fucking genius, so pay attention. Chicks are into details, but you know that already. A little care goes a long way.
RULE #3: STYLE
STYLE TIP #1: HEADLINES. Be careful with that headline. Some guy posted an ad that said, “I’m a teapot, short and stout,’ not because he was short & stout (because he wasn’t) but because he thought it was cute, but I guarantee you that a headline like that is not going to pull the ladies. This is your time to shine, so choose your headline carefully.
STYLE TIP #2: NO SCRUBS! Don’t present yourself as a charity case. Headlines like, “Who Wants To Give Me A Little Head?”, “I Need A Mercy Fuck,” and “I Just Lost My Job, Will You Fuck Me?” are not going to pull the quality women.
STYLE TIP #3: CUT & PASTING AIN’T CUTE. For the love of God, stop pasting in replies! When it arrives in our mailbox, it looks soooooooo obvious! And it makes our DELETE button finger go into overdrive.
RULE #4: CONDUCT BEFITTING A PLAYER
PLAYER CONDUCT HOT TIP #1: READ HER AD. Do NOT reply to her just because she is a WOMAN – if she has asked to be contacted by six-foot tall Irish firemen, brawny baseball players, an Asian banker, a voodoo priest firedancer, whatever, do not send her an email if you don’t fit what she wants. If you are outside her age/race/style demographic, don’t waste her time, or yours.
PLAYER CONDUCT HOT TIP #2: DON’T BE PUSHY. If she wants to hook up, she’ll let you know. Do not pester her with multiple emails, or ask for her phone number. Offer yours, or wait til she offers hers.
PLAYER CONDUCT HOT TIP #3: DON’T BE A HATER: Don’t piss and moan, ‘What do women WANT?’ We all different things. Some women are on here looking for love, some for a fling, some for a boyfriend, some for hot sex, some for kinky sex, some for entertainment, some as a social experiment. You guys think you are all so easy to figure out? Some of you want sex, some want love, some want kink, etc etc., you’re just as much of a pain in the ass to figure out. Lighten up there, ponder. Bitterness is NOT attractive.
* - DON’T BE A HATER, ADDENDUM: Stop putting up these outrageous posts wondering if any of the WOMEN actually FUCK men from CL, and betting that none of the WOMEN actually FUCK men from CL, and that we’re all bitches and fakes and etc etc. Yes, let me tell you, WOMEN do FUCK men they’ve met on CL, and if you follow some of my tips, maybe you will be getting FUCKED by a CL WOMAN soon!
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL EVER LEARN ABOUT SCORING WITH WOMEN: When you go out (in general, or to meet your CL hookup), ask a woman you know if your shoes are cool! Your shoes will MAKE or BREAK you…….and make the difference between getting laid and surfing CL all night!
I LOVE YOU, CL MEN! HERE’S TO YOU AND YOUR ASS-TAPPING SELVES!!!!
- A CL Woman