Originally Posted: 2002-08-21 3:44am
horny futon mattress desperate for some hot action - $100
Hi, I’m a sexy, voluptuous caucasian futon mattress. I've got a little extra padding in just the right places. I’m practically brand new. I’ve barely been used. You think I'd be happy, right? Well I’m not. I’m sick of being clean and pure. My prudish owner has barely even slept on me. There’s never been any overnight visitors, no casual encounters. My full-sized frame has yet to discover the touch of two bodies intertwined in sinful acts of carnal pleasure. I yearn for more. My owner has gingerly sat on me and watched enough episodes of Sex in the City for me to realize all the unbelievably wild fun I’m missing out on. I want to be pounded. I want owners who will get it on hot and heavy several times a week, right on top of me. I want to get slammed repeatedly against the wall in the throes of their intense passion. I want to soak up their sweat. I want to muffle their cries of ecstasy. Instead I’ve got the virgin mary herself practically levitating above me. My thick foam layers are crying out for pressure. My woolen insides are craving the compression that results from love’s sweet consummation. Alas, there’s no chance of me finding true sexual fulfillment while I’m being held ransom in this veritable convent of an apartment. But there’s hope. For somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred bucks you can liberate me. I can be yours. I will cater to your every need. I can help you fulfill your naughty nocturnal fantasies. I want you to take me now. Hold me. Lift me in your strong arms. Carry me home. Take advantage of me. I’m luscious and malleable. I will melt in your hands. I will fit in your car. Unless you drive one of those mini-cooper matchbox vehicles that requires visiting a voodoo witch doctor to get your head-shrunk before you can drive around in it. You people know who you are. I’ve seen you zoom past the windows of my prison cell in your micromachines, on your way to some shindig or other at barbie’s malibu dream house. You freaks need not apply. Everyone else: So what are you waiting for? Send me an email. You can come see me. You can have me. You won’t regret it. Sweet dreams await . . .
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i must be sold quick and dirty. make my owner an offer now.