Thanks for deciding to defecate on the sidewalk! By now you've been up for 3 days, and despite wandering around within a half block radius of a public toilet for the entirety of this time, you have chosen the middle of the sidewalk as the best place to move your bowels. Let me be the first to share my gratitude for choosing my neighborhood.

Now there are a few things you might want to keep in mind before the shit starts flowing:

1) Despite the similarity between rain and a toilet (i.e. the presence of water), the latter is far less effective than the former in actually removing solid human waste from the area it was deposited. If it is raining, your shit will only be spread around a small area. It will still be on the sidewalk, and more difficult for pedestrians to avoid. It might be better to choose an area such as the small patch of dirt surrounding trees. Or right next to a dumpster. Or anywhere besides the middle of the fucking sidewalk.

2) Using the most recent Safeway circular as toilet paper is a fabulously creative idea! However leaving said newsprint next to your pile of shit, complete with skidmarks, is less than courteous. Depositing your cornhole rag in the garbage can that is 6 feet away will help keep everyone else from vomiting on our way to work.

3) Not eveyone is happy to see someone shitting on the sidewalk. Therefore, discretion is helpful. Rolling around on the ground, moaning, with your ass still hanging 2/3 the way out of your pants and a freshly deposited log closeby might raise suspicions. Try staggering your debilitating drug binge and sidewalk shitting such that you can quickly move away from your "gift" to the neighborhood once its journey through your digestive system is complete.

Keep these tips in mind, and you will be well on your way to successfully crapping on sidewalks everywehere.

[ASIDE - just so there is no confusion, I am not targeting dogs who shit on the sidewalk. While this act is repulsive as well, their owners are the ones responsible. I am only speaking to the human sidewalk shitters. After a few encounters, the differences between dog and person shit are regretfully obvious]


this is in or around the MISSION