Originally Posted: 2002-08-07 9:26am
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I've performed an exhaustive analysis of the postings here in the personals and formulated a strategy guide for getting the most from your post.
For the men:
Threaten to stop posting Nothing attracts the ladies more than a display of confidence. If they find out that you will no longer be posting 'wanna see my tallywhacker?' ten times a day, you'll get more action than a John Woo film.
USE ALL CAPS!!! THIS REALLY SETS YOU APART FROM THE CROWD. IT WORX EVN BETR IF YOU USE YO-BOY SLANG OR FUGGIT HOW TO SPULL THENGS RITE. PEACE OUT YO!
Give them a preview of your mad luv skillz Women are intensely cerebral. They read romance novels and all that so if your ad reads like a letter to Penthouse, you'll have to chase them off with a stick! Yeah baby, we'll drive off in my '78 green pinto and I will start by running my sweaty, calloused hand up your smooth, downy thigh...
Play the size card Are you a freak of nature? Are you packing some serious meat in the trouser department? You need to reprazent that sheeit yo! Nothing gets a woman hotter than to hear that her next partner is hung like a playground swing, especially when he posts the fact ten times a day and is eager to send a picture.
Invent yourself a threesome If your solo ad isn't getting the love it deserves, invent yourself a wife or girlfriend to go along with the package. Women of all shapes and sizes harbor a secret desire to help out a guy and his lady. After all, once she gets to know the real you, she'll forget all about the fact that you made up the other person.
For the laaaadiiiiieeees:
Post any sort of ad whatsoever This will get you eight trillion emails with pictures, email addresses, phone numbers, marriage proposals and angry, disturbing invective from people who are convinced that you need to go to hell, you go to hell and you die!