We sat and spoke and laughed the usual.
Till, 12 Pirates walked through the doors of the bar.
"Arrrrgh!" I heard among the group as they made their way to the bar in great spirits.
We sat there wide eyed.
Well. I did.
Josh saw the look on my face and asked me if I needed a napkin for my chocha.
Once the initial shock passed through me, my friend Josh came with me to go infiltrate the bevvy of pirates so I could get my picture taken with them.
I got more than I had planned on getting.
Apparently, the main pirate was a man named Eric whose birthday it was. Once introduced to Eric, I couldn't stop beaming...drooling, if you will. Full on red sash peeking out from underneath the pirate hat, complete with a curly moustache and goatee drawn on his face with theater makeup. And a sword.
A fucking sword.
We talked and I told him about how natural it would be for me to have a thing for pirates, with me being a ninja and all. You can't blame a highly trained martial artist not to find lust for those who ride the high seas with scurvy.
He told me I was cute as a button and took out a bright purple sash and tied it around my head so I too, would be an honorary pirate for the night.
Seriously
I squished like a 13 year old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert and he invited my crew and I out to follow them on their Birthday Pirate Pub Crawl. The final destination was expected to have over 40 pirates in total.
Of course we'd have to fucking go.
I made it back to our table with Josh in tow flaunting my new Pirate status.
Pirate-Ninja-Whore.
We gathered outside and made our way to the Haight to the second bar on the stop.
At Murios Trophy Room, I ordered my Jameson and we convened and met more pirates. The best were Chris and Hannah, a pirate couple from the East Bay.
Most of the time at the Trophy Room was a blur. I remember peeing. I remember Josh pinching my ass so hard it stung the depths of my soul.
I remember catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror realizing the bright purple sash around my head made me look more like Captain Special Needs than Sexy Pirate Ninja Whore.
Oh well. You can't win them all.
Then we gathered again and made our way down to Lower Haight to Molotov's.
We beat the Pirates there by 20 minutes or so. Apparently several Pirates got hungry and stopped for bad pizza at Fat Slice. Several Pirates decided they needed roadies (flasks for the long walk to the Lower Haight).
We got to Molotov's. I had never been there before.
It smelled like poo.
Like...a lot.
But Pirates are tough,right? Pirates always smell bad things. Never do they run away from something because it smells bad.
Yeah, we stayed. The Pirates arrived in slow small drunk incriments.
I was drunk. I wasn't drunk.
I became desensetized to the poo smell. Then it would come back with a vengence to remind you it was still there.
Apparently the bathroom smelled like heaven compared to the rest of the bar.
Werd.
Once we had decided that the party needed to end, I made my way to Eric the Birthday Pirate, to say goodbye.
We hugged and he mentioned that they had three more bars to hit and that I should stay.
But I'm drunk.
And tired.
And I make for a bad Pirate because...my liver is really really small.
He was understanding of the predicament and mentioned he was so glad we were all so cool and that we joined them.
Cool? Us? You're the one who made your friends dress up as Pirates for your fucking birthday!!! I am not worthy, though I may be honorary Pirate for the night!
He hugged me again and asked for a kiss.
It's the boy's bithday, so of course I said yes.
I don't quite remember when a birthday kiss turned into birthday makeout. It was brief. It was sweet tho, not lecherous or demanding.
"Dude, did I get any of your beard on me?" I asked, wiping the sides of my mouth expecting there to be black residue from his drawn on Captain Hook 'stache.
"No," he answered and laughed. He kissed my cheek, called me cute as a button again and my crew and I made our way out of the Poop Bar and into the night.
In the middle of Haight St. Josh stopped.
"I can't believe you made out with a Pirate!"
I must say the highlight of the evening though, happened shortly after hot pirate makeout.
Jessica and I got onto the bus to take us home. It was quite full for being late on a Friday night. The garish flourescent lights inside the vehicle made me wince after being in commplete dive bar lightinging most of the night.
Jessica got onto the bus and as I made my way up the steps to join her, she turned around and laughed long and hard and loud, drawing attention to my Honorary Special Needs Pirate self as I stepped up and into the bus.
Apparently, I did have beard on me.
It's not every night a girl goes home with someone else's beard smeared on her face.
It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated though. At the corner store, stalking some drunk corn dog action before heading home, I caught my reflection in the ice cream case.
I had a moustache ala Hitler, a black smear under both nostrils, almost like I had planned on it.
Yeah.
I partied with the pirates and all I have to show for it is a Hitler 'stache, a purple sash and this blurry photo:
If anyone spots any of these blurry rogue pirates in the street, let them know their honorary would love to pillage more villages and imbibe more liquor and you know...all that other stuff pirates do.
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