Originally Posted: 2004-10-30 11:33pm
"want a quickie tonight?" - w4m
Awhile ago, I posted an NSA offer with that title; apparently it was a good title because I got a shitload of responses. Well so, I thought I'd give back to the Craigslist community by telling you guys what I thought of your emails, so you can have better luck next time. (I'm not gonna claim that my advice applies to everybody, of course, but come on - I'm cute, young, healthy, smart, tall and sexy, and I'm pretty sure that qualifies me here. I'm your target market right? So listen up, fellas. And ladies, please back me up.)
OK the first thing I did was delete all emails with cock pictures. Seriously guys. The females of this species got all the good aesthetic stuff, and you know it - would you whip it out when you introduce yourself in a bar? Granted, we're all too antisocial here to know much about meeting in bars, but the theory is sound. And the point is that men get turned on by pictures of pussy, while women get turned on by stuff like romance, intelligence, and WOO. Woo is like, opening doors or buying us stuff or saying nice things or touching us just right... it all depends on the girl. But your cock is not attractive. It's a weird saggy fleshbag and we like what it does, and thereby we like it, but ONLY if we like you first. Get it?
And, by much the same token, I also deleted all the role-play "I'm gonna do nasty things to you in this order and including the following details" emails. I mean, EEW. I'm not gonna let you do that stuff to me. And where did you learn all those sordid adjectives?? This kind of thing is only hot, if at all, AFTER you've passed the initial "am I gonna sleep with this guy" test. Before that, it's sleazy and disqualifies you immediately. And in case you're wondering, the aforementioned test = five minutes of speaking to you in person.
The next group of deletees were the "are you a hooker" emails and the "yeah right" emails. Why would you bother to send me an email saying "yeah right"? Do you think I'm gonna pick your email out of the 50 I got, and screw you just to prove you wrong? Well... okay that's possible. But still, why would you bother.
I also deleted the emails without pictures, simply because I got so many pictures I had to assume the non-pic emails were even more frightening than the guys who were willing to advertise how they look.
I deleted all emails with pictures that looked like the guy specifically posed for a picture to send to girls online. Because you're jerks.
Then I deleted all the emails from guys who can't spell or write a coherent sentence. Because I'm an intellectual elitist. I'm sure that's not your problem.
Finally, I deleted the unattractive guys, the fat, the skinny, the too old and the too young. Except for the unattractive guys who said something either intelligent or interesting, because I wouldn't mind an unattractive guy if I like him. I mean after all, he'd make me feel really hot.
I responded to the remaining two or three emails, and got uncomfortably sleazy responses back. What did I just tell you about not being sleazy before the first impression test?
I was left with one email.
From somebody named Suzanne.
Goddammit, all I wanted was a one-night stand.