What I've learned in my 8 months on Team Dyke
In any case, I've noticed that the commonality in reactions between both my gay and straight friends is a general curiosity as to what I've learned during this brief but entertaining spell as a pinch hitter on The Other Team. So, I figured I’d share my cruelty-free organically grown pearls of wisdom, in the interest of all the bi-curious gals out there secretly cruising the W4W section, and to perhaps engender some understanding in and/or warm fuzzies from all the hard-core lesbians who are generally annoyed by (pick any of the following): bi-curious girls, bi girls, straight girls who commandeer a really hot dyke for 8 months thus taking her off the market (sorry).
So, for your intended edification and possible entertainment:
A List of Eleven Vaguely Interesting Things I Learned That I Wouldn’t Know If I’d Stayed on the Straight and Narrow
1) Women are very soft.
I don’t just mean their skin, or their hair, but their bodies and lips and everything in-between. It feels very different to spoon another woman than it does to spoon a man, particularly if you’re naked (and isn’t that the best kind of spooning?). This was actually a very cool discovery; I’d never thought about it.
2) Women are a lot better than men are at oral sex.
Now, you’re probably thinking that this shouldn’t really have been a surprise. Right? A general reaction to this one is “Well, of course!” but honestly, why would that be a given? Only the most flexible of women would be able to practice on themselves. So, while I’d wondered whether women would naturally be better at this endeavor, I never really believed my dyke friends who assured me of the fact. Ladies, I apologize for not believing you. Guys, I apologize for informing you.
3) All the cooler-than-thou baby dykes dress alike.
I must admit that I don’t especially understand the fauxhawk. I do like the cute Abercrombie-schoolboy-meets-grrl-mechanic look, but this haircut has me puzzled. The other haircut that has me puzzled is the super side-parted long-banged combover circa 1983, at one point featured in Human League videos and atop screaming Duranees. Is there a uniform required to attend the trendy dyke bars in order to fit in and be accepted? I’m confused.
4) Dykes and fags do not play nicely together.
I had no idea that the two factions don’t mix. When asked for an explanation on this one, I got “That’s because so many fags are misogynist assholes!” from a dyke, and “That’s because so many dykes are catty, jealous, man-hating bitches!” from a fag. Yikes. Battle of the sexes is less contentious on Team Straight.
5) Straight men think it’s incredibly cool that I’ve been with a woman.
Now, I realize that this is probably another “Duh!” for many, but I honestly had no idea what the reaction would be among straight guy friends. Part of me worried immeasurably that they’d think it was weird, or that I was just in denial about being gay. Turns out neither is true, and that my biggest concern once I’m back on the bio-dick* is that telling the bearer of said dick about my past adventures will cause him to suddenly start showing up with random women “friends” in the hopes of a threesome. (Future boyfriend: I have no interest in a threesome, sorry. I’ve had my fun over here on my own, and if you refer to #2 you’ll probably re-think an in-room competition.)
6) All that pillow talk can really grow tiresome.
Men, I’m chagrined to admit that I now understand where you’re coming from on this one. Women can really hash a subject to death in bed, especially if that subject has to do with feelings or the future or your behavior or most of all the state of your relationship. Jesus Christ, two women together can make me sick of myself when it comes to this matter. All the talking and the cuddling – enough already, let’s get in a quick bang and go to freakin’ sleep.
7) Dildos are not as unwieldy or as frightening as they look.
The first time I confronted a rather impressive collection of strap-ons, I made a grandiose statement that I would never let that monstrous apparatus anywhere near me, let alone inside me. And if you think I was gonna strap that thing on – hell NO! But, y’know, after awhile, playing with the toys seemed like an interesting and fun idea. And it was. Which leads us into…
8) As long as you’re at the amusement park, you may as well ride all the rides.
And I’ve pretty much ridden them all at this point. Colossus, Adventures Through Inner Space, Revolution, Scream!, Goliath, Thunder Mountain… the only one we’ve missed is Splash Mountain. And I don’t know that we want to find it.
9) A same-sex fling does wonders for letting go of Catholic sex guilt.
That darn Catholic upbringing can really put a ding into wild passionate nights and general sexual experimentation. I didn’t quite realize that I was harboring some hang-ups until I let them go. Something about crossing the verboten same-sex fling line makes it a lot easier to have uninhibited, mind-blowing orgasms. Hallelujah.
10) Going down isn’t as scary or off-putting as it seems.
It took me awhile to get there (aforementioned Catholic sex guilt and all), but once I was there, well – hey, that’s not so bad. A fear of the unknown and genuine performance anxiety was replaced by a heartfelt desire to get it right, dammit. Practice makes perfect.
11) Women are women
For the good and the bad, gay or straight or somewhere in-between, women are women. We all have a lot more in common than you might think. Being in a lesbian bar is actually a pretty cool thing when you realize that everyone in the room is a woman. This can be empowering, or it can be a little weird, or it can be par for the course. Women can be clique-ish, and catty, and maladjusted, and addicted to all sorts of behaviors and/or substances, and critical, and downright bitchy. They can also be caring, and kind, and understanding, and emotive, and sensitive, and sweet. Mostly, they can be a mix of any or all of these things, regardless of sexual orientation or color or socioeconomic status. It is what it is. And we are what we are: women.
And hey, for those of you considering a same-sex fling: Go for it. You only live once.
*Please, save any e-mails seeking to label me. I’m just me.
**5a: The word “bio-dick”
***7a: Dildos are not the same as “the real thing.” They’re just not. They don’t feel the same, they don’t perform the same, etc. Some people find this to be preferable, some find it to be disappointing. It’s subjective.
7b: Bearer of said dildo may or may not be willing to be naked. I didn’t realize that boobs can be an issue in this scenario, even when they’re normally not.
this is in or around SF