Originally Posted: 2004-06-11 4:54pm
I need a boyfriend.....!!!!!!!!
I'm a total loser--the most unaccomplished, useless person no one could ever want. And I happen to want a boyfriend.
I have a dead-end job and I'm not good at it. I have no skills and no prospects for the future. I am completely unmarketable.
I lack diplomacy and social tact. I have no talent for conversation.
I'm ignorant and have no common sense. I never read!
And I want a boyfriend.
I make rent!
I break things, but can't fix anything.
I lack masculine aura. And muscles.
I'm 25, but act like 14.
Some of my favorite pastimes (apparently):
3. compulsively pacing my apartment
4. obsessing over the many stupid things I've said
5. walking about aimlessly, and...
6. um... well, that's a secret...
Some things I'm particularly good at:
1. wasting time
2. keeping messy house
3. embarrassing myself (case in point: this ad)
4. saying stupid things
5. losing friends
6. getting poison oak
My top-ten material wish list:
1. a boyfriend
2. um... well, that's a secret...
3. a washing machine
4. world peace
5. a 10X magnifier
(Oh, I'm a total idiot! Who would ever answer this ad??!!!)
Below I outline my vast knowledge and expertise in some areas of life:
1. Healthy eating: whole wheat is not a food! It should never have been invented. Same goes for broccoli. And, are you concerned about cholesterol? Well, don't worry--no need to cut out all that meat and cheese. Just fry everything in a ton of vegetable oil--it'll all balance out. I'll be happy to give you some more tips when we meet!
Seriously though, I am the sort of person who makes an effort to use up all the vegetables before they go bad in the fridge. (success rate: ~25%).
(so, dinner at my place?)
2. Exercise: who would do that for fun?
3. Fashion: I wear the same attire to work two weeks straight.
4. Popular culture: who's that again?
5. Sex: I don't last long. --Does it matter?
And, oh yeah, I'm also completely inexperienced, and I'm unsure of my sexuality.
6. Fine tasks: I have four left feet. Needless to say, I'm not a good dancer. I'm also not good at lab classes, bear hanging, using crazy glue (without gluing my fingers--I mean, toes), and patching up torn clothes (of which I have many). I'm lucky if I can hang a picture straight!
7. Social life: my rabid posting style notwithstanding, I am
p a t h o l o g I c a l y s h y ! ! !
That means, I'm scared of saying "hi" to the cashier at the checkout line. That means I get nervous just *watching* the gay pride parade. It means, if we walk down a busy street together and you talk loudly and swagger, I will be mortified! And, yup, it also means I'm not exactly a party animal. If this is something you do not understand, then you are the sort of person who would make me miserable! Take note!
In short, as you can see, I'm a total and complete loser--the most undesirable, hopeless piece of trash that ever lived. A failure. Absolutely pathetic.
And yet, I want a boyfriend--no, I insist, I deserve a boyfriend. After all, how many losers are there out there who have found their mates? How many Bridget Jones's have managed to secure their Colin Firths? If Bridget Jones can do it, so can I!
So... are you interested?
Send me an email!
Please be around my age. (Yeah right, like anyone's going to answer this ad!)
Hope to hear from you soon!
(Oh, pleeeeeeeeeeease, someone reply to me!)