Originally Posted: 2007-05-03 3:02pm
Me: Crutches, cast, standing. You: blonde, no crutches, sitting J-Line - m4w
A few weeks ago I made a poor life decision. I decided to race the 38 bus from Van Ness to Powell down O'Farell. I've done this many many times before (did I mention that I was on a skateboard? No? My bad.) and always won. This time was different. I ate shit in a rather spectacular fashion and ended up banging my shin on a parked car whilst flying through the air. End result? Broken right leg (tibia AND fibia) and some road rash. And I lost the race with the bus. Thank god for health insurance.
Flash forwards to yesterday, 5pm, 24th St and Church. I had to get out of the house, my insane alcoholic roommate was doing his whole "I wish I was at a rave but I'm not so I am going to speaker tweak in the kitchen by myself after drinking 3 bottles of Two Buck Chuck and dance like a madman" thing, and I wasn't down to be around for that. So I decide to go to my favorite taqueria, El Castillito. I can hear you now, you say, "But wait! Casa Mexicana is right there! Why don't you just get a cochinita pibil burrito and not have to hobble onto the J line?" I tell you why: El Castillito has the best Al Pastor style pork burrito in SF, way better than that crap Pibil they server at Casa Mexicana. Casa Mexicana, phhhbbbttth!
So this is a lot of leadup, but there is some payoff. I gimp crutch myself down to Church, luckily just as the J is pulling up. I get on the front of the car, and the first seats are taken up, as well as the first few rows, in fact, all the seats in the front half of the car are taken, and I'll be damned if I am going to hobble back to the back, especially if the car is moving, this is a recipe for me to fall down, something that I have a very strong dislike of (reasonably so, given recent events).
And there you were, cute, blond, about 25, sitting in the front-side-facing row of seats, right under the sign that says something to the effect of "Federal Law required one must get up when retards, old fogeys, or F-ING CRIPPLES LIKE ME need the space" To top it off you are (astute readers will know where I am heading here....wait for it.....wait for it..........) yammering away on your cellphone, "OH MY GOD! It's 80 degrees in Milwaukee today? Its so totally freezing here! I hate it! I am SO jealous!" Bitch, if I was going to move somewhere I would familiarize myself with the weather first, and then not complain. No one held a gun to your head and said, move to SF or I'll shoot you. Besides, a few weeks ago it was snowing in Milwaukee, you were probably gloating to your same vapid friends then about the weather out here, find something meaningful to talk about or STFU.
I tried to make eye contact with you, but you probably thought I was being creepy and wanted to talk to you so I could ask you out or something. WRONG. I wanted to sit my tired ass down, you ever try to lug 240lbs around on a pair of crutches? Not easy. I would've asked someone else to move, but they were all FAR more decrepit looking than you, and all appeared to be at least 60 years old. I kept hopping around like an idiot so I wouldn't fall over (you ever try to stand on one foot while holding two big sticks and the vertical bar on a MUNI train?) hoping you would get the message, but you didn't. Finally you hung up your call and I asked you if I could sit down, but you ignored me like and acted like you couldn't see the 6'4 guy on crutches standing (bobbing and weaving?) 18 inches away from your head. By this time we were almost at Market anyways, so it wasn't worth arguing about.
In spite of all this, you do have all the qualities prized by a superficial man like myself, and we should go out. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you were just shocked that California isn't always sunny and warm like Baywatch led you to believe, and your brain just shut down for those 9 minutes.
Or maybe not, maybe you're just a selfish bitch, much like the last girl I dated.
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