Originally Posted: 2004-05-07 11:48am
RAVE: Trollin' for Skank
There are times when the world can absolutely kick the shit out of a man. Things like bills, bitchy ex-wives, frustrating days at work and long commutes can make a man feel like jumping off a bridge sometimes. I used to let times like that get me down...but not anymore! I have discovered the perfect cure for the "9 to 5, bitchy ex-wife, my job sucks ass blues"...and its called Trollin' for Skank.
The rules are simple. First...you need alchohol. A lot of alcohol. Pick your poison, just make sure that you have it in copious amounts. Next, you need to get psyched up for the main event. Think of women that you can't stand, that have pissed you off, and all of the rotten and thoroughly crappy things that have happened to you during the week. Next, call a cab, or a Muslim or Mormon friend(they make great designated drivers), and secure your transportation to the local watering hole.
When choosing your watering hole, you really want to aim for one off of the beaten path. Partially for the charm of dim lighting, red vinyl seats, an old fat lady behind the bar, Elvis and Johnny Mathis on the jukebox, and the aroma of stale beer and cigarettes...but also for the lack of familiar faces who may remember seeing you. Trollin' for Skank is NOT a spectator sport. Especially if the spectators are your friends.
Upon arriving at your designated trollin' site, be sure to position yourself with a view of the entire area. This is key for target selection. At this point, you must make sure that you do not waver...there may be an attractive woman hanging around that could tempt you to stray from your task. DO NOT DO IT. You are out for skank...remember that.
Your target should have several things...all are key in identifying a skank:
1) Big hair. Remember, nothing says skank like a shitload of Aqua Net.
2) Tons of eye shadow. Is she looking like Tammy Faye? Fuckin' A...jackpot!
3) Clothes that are 10 years out of date. Is she dressing like a teenager in 1994? Perfect...she's a skank.
4) Choice of beverage. Remember, your "supposed" skank could just be a classy lady out incognito...if she looks like a skank, and acts like a skank, but is drinking a Chirac gibson on the rocks, she's a fucking faker! A true skank will be drinking Jack straight or MGD.
5) Perfume. Does she smell like she just walked through a French Whorehouse? When you get within 10 feet of her, do your eyes water from the copious amounts of perfume that she has smeared all over herself? Amen....she's a skank.
Most skanks are two baggers...one for her head and one for your giggle stick. Remember...if you forget to bag her head, you could like your chub and completely ruin your shot at completing your conquest. Be prepared.
You can usually close the deal with a skank by repeating the following words: "I love Nascar". If she's a skank, then she's watching goddamn racing every fucking weekend. If you have a redneck store close to your house, go but a Jeff Gordon T-Shirt and a giant fucking Nascar beltbuckle...you'll be in like Flynn.
In closing...when you've finally gotten to the point where you have absolutely no repsect left for yourself, its time to make your way back to her place. That's right...her place. If you let her find out where you live, then you're in for some serious shit...take it from a pro. Some key points to remember:
1) No pictures, no video...you might want to be president someday.
2) Escape route. Make sure that you make mental notes of how you'll be escaping in the morning. It never hurts to have a getaway driver on standby.
3) Develop a short memory. Skanks are for when no quality box is available. Don't think about it after you've hit it. Remember...NO MORE than one skank a month...any more would be unhealthy.
In the event that you'd like to try Trollin' for Skank, or are unclear on any of the rules, please feel free to contact me.