Originally Posted: 2004-04-22 8:01am
For Sale: My box of condoms - m4w
So I am single again ... well for almost 8 months now. I wasn't dating in the beginning, and was really enjoying being by myself. The independence was great. I could get away with not making my bed in the morning, leaving the toilet seat up, leaving the bathroom counter a little wet, you know, the things...and it was all fun. And I really wasn't interested in getting into the whole dating scene again. Never was a bar/club player ever anyways.
But then the loneliness started getting to me. I missed being intimate with a woman, the touch, the laughs, the showers, the arguments, the sex after the arguments, you know, the whole thing. So I started dating again.....yes through the internet...yes on craigslist! So I posted a couple ads, not knowing what to expect, and replied to quite a few, again not quite sure what will come of it. And boy was I in for a surprise?
The first week: Nothing! Zilch! Zero! I posted a simple ad saying I am single, reasonably good looking, nice job, not a player, blah blah blah. No replies. Well I figured it's just a start and besides I knew there were way more men hounding craigslist than women anyways. And so I replied to a bunch of ads written by women (okay more than a bunch, a lot). Now let me tell you, I'm not a greek god, but I don't look bad, I'm taller than average, keep myself in pretty good shape, a simple, fun person, right? So I replied to all these posts (from the woman who had 200 specifics about her ideal man and an ad that made me scroll my screen 4 times to the woman who wrote 4 words in her post, and everyone in between), and for the ones who wrote "pic for pic" I attached my pic (why can't we type whole words again?). No replies. Now I don't cut and paste my replies. I read the posts and try to be funny and relevant and meet the "requirements" so to speak. Still...No replies.
The next few weeks: So I posted more ads, replied to even more ads, and finally the responses started trickling in. And here it gets a little interesting. I don't know what about my emails sends an inviting signal to this new breed of women who proudly refer to themselves as BBW. But all of a sudden I was a hero for them. They wanted me...big time. Now don't get me wrong ladies, I think you're all beautiful, just not my type. Maybe Mr. Craig should split the "women seeking men" section into two: "BBW seeking men" and "Non-BBW seeking men", because in my humble experience there are a LOT of BBWs loitering this website.
So after putting a filter in my mailbox that would automatically block all emails containing the now dreaded word BBW, I kept moving on. Got a few nice emails, and went on some dates. Now you must be wondering what's up with that box of condoms on the title. Well now that I was sort of dating again and was pretty upbeat, I went to the store and bought a box of condoms (yeah the ultra thin ones for maximum sensation, yeah right!). And I actually began to carry some on me when I went on dates (yeah like these women would wanna jump my bones on a first date, but you never know right?). No luck pals. I would come back from these dates, and put the condom back in the box, and it kept happening again and again. So much so that it's been almost 2 months since I bought that box and I haven't used one frickin condom. Maybe that box is jinxed. Maybe it brought me bad luck. Would Safeway take the box back I wonder?
So this box of condoms and I developed a weird love-hate relationship. Everytime I took one out of the box, the box would sorta grin at me: "Dude, I don't think so!" was what the box would sorta say. And then later that night when I sheepishly returned it in the box, the box would let out a sigh: "Dude, told ya!". I kept him warm and comfy (away from any major source of heat or light, like the label says) in my medicine cabinet, but then I moved him somewhere in my closet so I don't have to face him everytime I use aftershave. Because I really was embarrassed to face the box. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and hear the box talking to me "Dude, do you think you'd EVER get laid?". Yeah for some reason he always called me "Dude" in a wry, sarcastic way. So I started fearing the box. Is there a condition called CAD, yeah, Condom Anxiety Disorder, I might have it. But then the box wouldn't always be sarcastic, sometimes I could sense that he sorta felt my pain. Sometimes in the mornings when I was taking clothes out of my closet, he would say "Dude, you're a good guy, things will be okay", or something comforting like that.
But I think this relationship is hurting us both. My CAD is getting worse, and the box is getting close to his expiration date with each passing day. Now he never talks about the expiration date, but gives me subtle hints. Like when I open the closet, he would deliberately lay on his side so the expiration date is in my face. So I know, that the box is worried too. So one day I had a talk with him, yeah one of those man-to-condom ones. I asked him "Are you sad with all this?". He looked at me, a little surprised, because I never asked a direct question like that before. Then his sarcastic side returned: "Dude, what dya think?" And I said "Okay I'd return you to the store". A flicker of anger, obviously he didn't like the idea: "Dude, no half-decent box of condoms would ever wanna go back to the store shelf, rya outta yer mind?" He explained to me that it's the unwritten law in Condom Land that a box that's returned is jinxed and brings bad luck. Well that was it....
So I want to sell this box to somebody.
To someone who meets the 200 specific criteria that woman posted,
To someone who's a greek god,
To someone who actually gets laid on craigslist...