I’m an internal recruiter at an Internet company. I thought I’d do my bit for fighting unemployment by offering the following advice to job seekers. Common sense is evidently a misnomer.

Take few minutes and actually write a cover letter. It just screams “lazy” if you don’t. Be sure to use the old F7 key. It amazing how much nonsensical gibberish someone who is careless can put in a cover letter. This is an actual quote from a cover letter for a Marketing Manager I received yesterday, “ … your career posting for immediately caught my attention.”. Fucking brilliant. You would think something as important as your cover letter would glean a bit more attention. Rants & Raves on craigs - who gives a fuck if your syntax is perfect. Your resume should be given more care.

Check the email address you are sending from. Is it an inside joke ? Is it your wife’s / boyfriend’s / fuck puppet’s ? Is it an actual reflection of the first impression you want to make ? If not, there are a zillion places to get a free email address that is. I seldom consider resumes from Ms_Thang or pigdaddy.

I don’t care if you have kids, what your marital status, height, weight or nation of origin is. Keep it to yourself, Skippy. If anything on your resume could be used in a discrimination suit, remove it. Especially the kid references. I don’t give a shit if you have extra mouths at home. Your choice, your problem. Talent, not sympathy, is what gets you in the door.

If you have a template cover letter, make sure that your cut & paste job is formatted correctly and any reference to a specific job or company actually marry to who you are sending the resume to. I can’t count the number of resumes I get with an obvious cut & paste that didn’t translate word wrap. If your document is wider than my screen, into the bin you go. If you tell me how much you want to work at Cisco or Seibel – or any of the other bazillion companies that aren’t mine, into the bin. Do not pass go, continue to collect unemployment.

Resist the urge to put your photo on your resume. The photo is always awful and it emits this desperate, creepy vibe. Double plus true if you are actually desperate and send in your photo for every job I post, no matter what department.

If I set up a call – BE THERE. Preferably on a land line. Giving me your full attention. Chasing the kids, answering email, or dropping my call 5 times is unprofessional.

Take 4 seconds & type the position you are applying for in the subject line. Make sure it is actually the title for the position I am recruiting for. You would think this would be a no-brainer, but I get this mystery shit everyday. If you don’t bother, why should I ?

Do not send a .zip file. I consider you to be a virus and delete you immediately.


Always put your resume in the body of the email . I know your attachment has the pretty lay out and all of the tables and borders. All of those annoying formatting things that get fucked up when I move your resume over into Outlook. Give me a plain text version, bring your polished version to the interview. That’s right, BRING YOUR RESUME to your interview. A copy for each person you are going to meet. Trust me on this, I’m a professional.

Use a font that is actually readable. This is email. I can’t tell if your resume is one page or not. So let’s up the font size from 8. The whole one page resume is passé anyway.

Actually be qualified for the position you are applying to. If my job ad states that 2+ years at an online ecommerce company are mandatory, and you are a used dildo salesman from Indiana, perhaps you should be looking at opportunities elsewhere.

Having an MBA does not mean you are qualified in any way shape or form for the real world unless you have experience to back it up. The universities really need to stop telling you that as a fresh grad you are worth 85K. You are worth dick without relevant experience. If you quit your lucrative career as the receptionist at the Liz Arden day spa to go back to school, be prepared to take a 55K job as a junior financial analyst and stop applying for Director roles. This is not 1999.

Everyone thinks they can do customer service or marketing. This is simply untrue. Selling phones at the Cingular booth in the mall does not qualify you for a position in affiliate marketing.

Send your fucking resume in when you apply for a job. Not a link to some geocities, freehost, slow loading, ad heavy, piece of crap community server. Ctrl+DEL immediately. Should you be someone who is submitting portfolio work –spend a few bucks and get a domain. And cut back on the flash if you don’t have bandwidth. If it takes more than 10 seconds from my T-1 your work remains unseen.

NEVER refer to yourself in the third person. I groan every time some fat head sends in a resume that reads, “ Larry is an exceptional sales monkey. Larry had beat quota by 4000% every minute of his existence, because Larry is so freaking awesome.”. Hey asshat, you’re writing the resume Not some underling. This is not a job reference from on high – it is you promoting yourself. You self-important jack ass. Why in the hell would anyone hire such an annoyance ?

I am not a total raging bitch. I try and let candidates who follow up with me and who are not qualified for the position know why they are not being invited in for interviews. I am specific. Sometimes resumes are not a true reflection of skill set. I understand that. If someone is enthusiastic enough about the position to follow up, I take the time and walk thru my concerns or issues and let them submit a rebuttal. Often this is a productive exchange and the candidate gets a better grasp of what we are looking for and I get a better idea of what they bring to the table. However, there is always that segment of the herd that thinks stubborn muscle is going to get them into the door. I am the gatekeeper. Respect that. It is my job to screen out the under-qualified, the nut-bunnies, the pricks and the princesses. I am intimately aware of what we are looking for in an employee. Attempting to go around me via a department head, mailing your resume to the CEO, or dropping by the office to have it out face to face makes you look like a whiney fucksicle. No one wants to work with a whiney fucksicle. This approach is not going to get you anywhere.

It really is not hard to stand out in the stack of resumes. 90% of everything is crap – music, movies, cars, people. Don’t be stupid & you are instantly ahead of the game.