Originally Posted: 2007-02-13 12:51pm
I peed on my hand
So, I get to work today at about 7:30. Said hello to a few co-workers, checked e-mail, organized my day. Naturally looked through the craigslist posts to see what the hot young ladies were showing off this morning--always a nice way to begin your day with a smile.
Around 9:00 my bladder reminded me it was time for the morning pee break. We have the pretty standard restroom on our floor: couple of stalls, 4 urinals and two sinks---not a wharehouse, but not the private heaven some of the more senior execs are entitled to. Anyway, I saunter into our empty restroom and belly up to my favorite pisser. Unzip, left thumb hooks boxers and keeps them in the down position (I hate using the little hole) and the right hand grabs Atlas (yes, thats what I call him, and to hell with what you think) to point him in the right direction. Like any other guy, I stare blankly ahead and let er go: just aim and shoot---sometimes it is good to be a guy.
It was then I feel the warm stream running down my hand. Seems as if there was a blockage at the exit (dried pre-cum from looking at too many hotties this morning??) and it caused the stream to shoot off at the random angle that got my hand. Easy fix: clench, flick, resume pissing. But the bliss is gone, because now I have a peed-on hand. I finish up and head to the sink.
Don't get me wrong---I don't really care about a little pee on the hand--I mean, it's sterile when it comes out of your body (look it up if you don't believe me) and I AM a guy. So I'm washing up and look in the mirror to discover that Atlas not only got my hand, but my pants as well. And, as luck would have it, I wore khaki today, so the watermark shows up real nice right around the crotch area. I silently curse Atlas and topless picture posting hotties, and consider the best way to clean up the mess.
I could make a dash for my desk and sit there, but I have to move around at work quite a bit, so the chances of me drying out before I have to get up and deal with someone are slim. I could try drying it with paper towles, but have you ever tried to dry fabric with paper towles? Doesn't really work. So I go for option c: take some water from the sink and spash my crotch and upper thighs. If anyone sees me I get to tell a funny story about how I was too enthusiastic at the sink, we have a good laugh, and they never know the dirty secret my cunning strategy is hiding. Nice.
Ok: water on, wet the hands and flick some drops. Hmmm...not quite enough. Maybe a few more...nope, doesn't look right. Maybe a small handfull....SHIT!!! SMALL HANDFULL, MORON! The wet area around my crotch is now covering the size of a dinner plate and extends to mid thigh on both legs. I look like I took a super-soaker and stuck it down my pants.
Well, the paper towel option is the next best bet. For the first time I curse not having a hot air hand dryer: I hate those things, but it would be just the ticket here. I grab a handfull of paper towles and retire to the stall--god forbid someone should walk in now. I quickly start to pat and rub, hoping to soak up some of the water from the deluge and get back to the 'sink accident' story.
Funny thing about some bathroom paper towles. You don't notice it when drying your hands, but then again, your hands aren't made of cloth. They don't do so good as a clothing drying medium--they tend to come apart. As I am rubbing the towles over my pants they start to break down into their smallest element: white lint. Which is now stuck all over the front of my pants. I try to use more to wipe off the lint, and just get lintier. Now the front of my pants has a water stain the size of a dinner plate with miniature pieces of white fluff all over it.
I glance at my watch and realize I am out of time---my 2 minute jaunt to the men's room is now pushing 10, and I have to make a call soon. What I want to do is sit in here, take off my pants and pretend I am taking a half-hour duker so I can let the water dry, but have no time. I gotta chance it. One last check in the mirror, crack the door....good, no one looking, casually stroll back to the desk....good....sit and breath a sigh of relief.
So, here I am now, furtively fanning my crotch, trying to look busy so someone doesn't come by and try to get me to stand up. I've already caught a few odd looks, but hopefully they think I am just scratching (a lot...). I have a meeting in 30 min, but think I will be dried enough by then to brush the lint away...
So, fellow men: BE WARNED. If you want to check out the trim before you take a piss, make sure you give your boy a flick or two to clear the pipe. Wet, linty, and stupid is no way to start your day.
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