Originally Posted: 2004-03-31 1:18am
I need a wife
I need a wife. Badly. Badly -- oops, I already said that. But its true. I'll even treat her well. Really well. I'll never neglect her and I'll understand all her problems, really. I'll understand them on a very personal, experienced level, because, you see, I am a woman.
I used to be a wife. A damn good one. But my status has changed in that regard and also something has changed in me and I'm no longer interested in doing the wifely things. Its a mess around here. And I'm sick of the mess. I want it to be clean and nice like it used to be, but I don't want to clean it up. I want it to be cheery and smell like lavender and lemons. The dishes need doing, the laundry needs folding, the kids could use someone to pay attention to them and drive them around. But that's not all. I could use some company too. Good, fun company. And I like men and all, but they are just not good, reliable company. They have issues I don't really understand. So if you'd like to be my new wife, come on over.
Feeling Martha Stuart-ey? Then this is the place for you. We could use some good meals -- I love good food, but my inspiration for creating it has vanished, I am just out of dinner ideas. I'll even help cook, just please provide the inspiration. Or if you don't like someone in "your" kitchen, I'll be happy to make the drinks or pour the wine and sit and chat happily while you cook. I can chop stuff and everything.
I'll go to work, I'll make the money, you don't have to worry about that. You just stay home (or not, your choice) and be the wife. Please, feel free to bring your kids, the more the merrier. We can stay up late and talk about books and poetry and music or politics or about whatever we want. We can plot to overthrow the government right here at the kitchen table. I'll draw your bubble baths and paint your toenails. We can share clothes and shoes. Think about it --our wardrobes will double just by being together! It'll be great. When you have your period you can just stay in bed and rest and I'll make you sweet honey cakes and bring you whatever your heart desires. I'll rub your feet and your back and make sure the kids don't bother you. On weekends we can do whatever activities you enjoy -- picnics, hikes, walks on the beach, movies, you name it. We'll get a babysitter and go out, have drinks, dance, whatever it is you like to do. Just please be my wife.
Only one problem I can foresee: I'm not really a lesbian, so we'll have to put our heads together and solve the "sex" problem, but I'm sure we can come up with something. We can either find lovers on our nights out or we can use the ever handy-dandy cl board to find them. We can either have them over and share them or take turns going out for rendevouz, your choice.
PS -- I'd really prefer a woman wife, but if you're a man and you think you have the makings of a good wife, I might consider it.