Originally Posted: 2004-03-21 1:00am
21 Different Kind Of Girls At Bars - And How To Get Into Their Pants
1: Top priced pussy - She’s hot, and she fucking knows it. Her last 3 boyfriends where great looking and were fucking rich. If you come up to her with a fake FUBU shirt on and a bus pass your probably not gonna get the pussy. I mean, do me a fucking favor, size up the pussy first, if she looks way to fucking good, you might be onto something.
2: Top priced pussys FAT friend - I hope you brought a wingman. Poor bastard.So, if your up to par with the high class pussy friend, your gonna need someone to take one for the team. He has to be courageous and faithful to the wing man rules. If you know a friend of this caliber, give me his number. I have had too many friends of mine who swore elegances to the wing man code, and then broke for the door on me when I needed them the most. But, besides that, if the fat friend takes your buddy as bait and it works, you’re in for some high priced pussy. Don’t tell anybody about your friends demise. First rule of Fight Club, DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Your friend will thank you.
3: Girls with boyfriends/Husband - she wont tell you until you buy her 5 drinks, but you can still be friends. Fucking bitch just likes attention man. Nothing worse than that shit. She knows better, and she knows she’s not gonna give you the pussy but continues to take drinks and flirt like a whore. You have been bamboozled man, she won, walk away, chalk it up, you lost. But don’t fall for the shit again, chump.
4. Shes a "4" but acts like a "10" - just fucking annoying. Somewhere some how some dude lied to her and treated her like fucking royalty, so now you have to, too. Bullshit, she’s not even worth it, the pussy maybe nice, but lets some other dude put work in. She’s just gonna get on your nerves and your friends are gonna wonder why your even putting up with the shit. So, do me a favor, do what I would do, walk away, and wait for a better bitch to show up. Don’t worry about it.
5. The "rebel" that could be fucking hot, but instead she purposely dressing like fuck to "make a statement" Another thing I fucking hate to see. She’s obvious gorgeous but some how she got this notion that people would respect her more if she looked like a beast. She has it all wrong. But, this does not mean she don’t like men. I bet all it takes is some drinks, the right questions to make herself sound smart and interesting, and you’re in that pussy. Before you never talk to her again, let her know how great fucking looking she could be if she dressed nice and put some fucking makup on. If I can get the word fucking out threw you dudes, it be much appreciated.
6.Your ex-girlfriend - She’s not going away and she’s watching you. Stupid crazy slut wants you back, but some how it’s your fault for missing the "signs". It ended for a reason man, and your probably thinking to yourself that it be nice to fuck again for old time sakes. But, are you gonna end up having to explain AGAIN that you don’t want to be her boyfriend. It is best you steer clear of this bitch man, I mean, you have already gotten the pussy before, Let it go.
7. Your ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend - What a bitch right? Where the fuck does she get off bring that dude here, she knew you'd be here. If he’s bigger, don’t look at him, and play it cool. You can flatten his tires on the way out. But if you’re bigger, make life good and stare man. He’s probably a pussy anyway.
8. Lesbians - Well, are you trying to put work in really? She knows what she wants man, just cut your losses and go searching for pussy somewhere else. But, if she’s drunk, by all means, try. She’s been dieing for dick anyway, im sure.
9. Newly divorced Elder lady’s - This is a cool one. She’s looking for dick man. She had done the bar thing a million times before she got married. She’s most likely gonna guide you threw it. So, by all means, shut up and don’t say anything stupid, because she’s all about the mood. But, if she’s drunk, it’s probably a fucking lock, you’re in that pussy. I bet you in her hay day she was a dirty slut in bed. She’s just dieing to do it again. Life is good, man
10. The single mother - This one is weird. She’s looking for one of two things, man, and it aint a one nightstand in that pussy. That’s how she got her little bundle o' problem last time. She wants a boyfriend, and most likely a guy whose gonna treat her kid well. Run man, it is only your problem if you stay around like an idiot and put work in. But, if she’s hot, you have my blessing. A hot mother is a key piece of pussy, see what you can get.
11. The girl looking for love - Look man, I don’t know what to say. These bitches are a crazy one to deal with. She’s probably got her guard up, and gonna make you put huge work time in to get at that pussy. But, if you talk it just right, and make her believe you want to see her again, she just might let you at that pussy. It has happened, either women think if they give you some of the pussy that your gonna stay around or they completely just get caught up in the moment and forget that you just might run out after you get the pussy. I don’t advise you deal with this kind of bitch, but, if it’s a hot one, by all means, die trying.
12. The obvious dude in girl’s clothes - He's not tricking you right? And well technically I shouldn’t include him in the list, because he is not actually a girl. But, I have known guys that have been tricked before, and they were all thinking the same thing you are right now. We all think we can spot if "Its" actually a guy. Look man, stray away, if you’re not sure, then it’s not worth finding out. Because, if she actually does have a pussy, it will be a fucking weird road to find out so. So, if in question, find something else, man.
13. Your mother’s good friends - Anything you say or do to her man will be found out. She’s probably already figured out she’s not gonna give you any pussy, I mean what kind of friend to your mother would she be if she fucked her son. So, say hello, look the other way, and don’t try for that pussy.Your just not getting it, and that’s final. You can spend a better effort going somewhere else.
14. Friends sisters - Ah, well. You know you have always wanted that pussy, and she looks so good tonight, right? Sleep overs at his house when you guys were kids she made you crazy in those tight pajama shorts. There are some factors before you should try for this kind of pussy. (1) is he a good friend now, or when you guys were kids. Because if he’s not a good friend now, than take the pussy man, you have waited long enough. (2)Is he even in the fucking bar? Because if he’s not and she’s down to hand out that pussy, she’s probably not gonna tell anybody in the morning, or ever. So, if you keep your mouth shut, she will most likely. Girls aren’t gonna spread the word that they are whores and fucked her brothers friend.(3)You better make fucking sure she’s one of those chicks who is down to hand out the pussy and keep just friends again. Because, if you don’t want a relationship after, and she does, she’s not gonna be happy. That’s when she opens her fucking trap to her mother and all her friends and most likely to the brother about how you fucked her and left. So, count to 1,2,3 before jumping, man.
15. Friends ex-girlfriends - Dude, common. It wouldn’t be right. But, she’s a fucking slut in the sack, your friend told you all about it. It’s always gnawed on your brain what it be like. Well, your friend was probably who fucked up the relationship, right? You or her cant be held responsible if he’s a fucking moron for fucking it up and forfeiting that great pussy. Personally, I would do it. Get at that pussy raw, and take if for what it is. I wouldn’t say a word to anybody, not even other friends, they got fucking big mouths. So, again, if you think this bitch wont use the little fuck fest your about to have as some sort of vengeful thing to tell the ex, then by all means tame that pussy hard, because it might be the only chance you get, man.
16. The fat girls - She knows she hasn’t got the looks man. She is probably waiting for you to get drunk really. Maybe in some alcoholic fucking haze you would stick her pork ass. Me? Well, I would hold her off, be nice, and make sure not to spend much time with her at first. Because, when it gets to 2 in the morning and your still without any kind of pussy locked, she’s gonna look pretty fucking good. Don’t let your friends see man, or anybody else for that matter if you leave with her. Your rep is on the line, but your feening for the pussy, so do it like a pro and do it quit and desecret and you could just pull off getting the pussy and denying it to everybody when you’re called on it. If they didn’t see you leave with her, than she’s the fucking liar. Fat bitch.
17. The ugly girls - Well, I could have just thrown these sea donkeys in with the fat ones, but what the fuck. She’s probably most likely got a body, but the face is hurt, we have all seen it right? Do her man, fuck it right and keep her around on the lonely nights. Don’t bring her home so your dad can throw up, but just keep her in the wing for that pussy. She has probably already dealt with a guy keeping her out of site, and getting the pussy. So, be creative and play it cool. You could pull off being my fucking hero. But, for leaving in front of your friends and everyone else at the bar, make sure your walking away form them, so all they get is a view of her sexy ass body and her hair. And never show her to them ever again.
18. The black girls - I have to say, some are fucking hot, and cool people. But you better be ready to R E S P E C T man. They can drain your night, and keep you from actually pulling off getting any pussy. And if your white like I am, you have got allot of convincing to do. She thinks honkys are cute but dad would never approve. This may be all irrelevant to you, because you probably don’t plan on staying around after you get the pussy. But, she’s thinking LONG TERM COMMITMENT, so you better convince her you have got a black dad or something to get in to the pussy. She’s got to know you can relate to her heritage man, and make dad happy.
19. The Latin girls - You’re in luck big guy. Latin girls love the dick, I know what I am talking about, really. They can’t get enough of the shit. They are sluts. That means good news for you, man. All the work can be done with a few drinks and some key words and jokes, and the pussy is yours. I have never ran into a latin chick who wasn’t down for the dick, some way or another. But, there are obstacles you will run into I promise. So, do yourself a favor, buy her a drink, and hope she has more. Nothing finer than a hot latin DRUNK bitch laying next to you naked.
20. The asian chicks - Drunks. They all get there relatively quick too. They have usually a smaller body then most girls. So, not much work to put in really. Let them get drunk and tell her how cool she is. If your white, your practically a shoe in, asian chicks have a fetish for white dudes, no shit. Your probably gonna be down in the bush in no time. For you asian dudes, we'll, your out of luck really, small penis and the whiny car aren’t appealing to the asian chicks. So, you white and black dudes, go get her. Its gonna be a different kind of take out, if you know what I mean.
21. The molested when she was 10 girl - Well, a sad thing really. Fucking uncle or some shit got a hold of her. She has huge emotional shit still going on in her head, man. Even though it has been at least 10 or so years since it happened. So, your probably gonna get the pussy, no shit. These girls love to put out. But, it aint coming without a price. You better be ready to have the emotional explosion happen once she finds out you just got the pussy and left. It may of been a good fuck for you, but she’s already into some sort of mental thing of trying to get you to stay. So, if you want the huge fucking problems and probably a fucking scene the next time you see her in public, go ahead and fuck her. Pussy with emotional problems is no good for anybody, man.
This is dedicated to all the lovely girls I see at my local San Mateo bars every Friday and Saturday night.