Woke up this morning and looked all over the house for “The Instruction Manual.” Damn. Would have really thought “They” would have delivered it by today (at a minimum!).

Tried to stifle the urge to peruse eBay looking for small-ish 1970’s Ferrari/Maserati/Lamboghini coupe. Not red – too damn stereotypical. Wasn’t successful, but thankfully only bid insufficient amounts.

Realization that I could have fathered any of the women in my wife’s Victoria Secret catalogue, or any of the men in this weekend’s NBA Freshman All Star game.

This weekend’s SPAM has been ferocious. Three an hour – and all focused on my whatnot. At least the euphemisms are worth reading, “Willy, Potato Man, One-eyed Snake, Love Muscle, your Member, Erect-oid, Ejaculator, your Johnson, your Manhood, Schlong, Love Monkey, Spud Stud, etc. Do they know something about turning 40 that I don’t? Should I be getting concerned? Does some marketing guru keep a master list of those males who are turning 40 and then they let loose the torrents of anxiety-raising questions regarding one’s sexual competency. Is this SPAM a portion of the Instruction Manual for which I have been searching diligently?

Cumulative knowledge I have learned in the last 40 years:

Ø Only when I stop and think about it, do I realize that I am the luckiest person I know. In the heat of the battle, many aspects/moments of my life can look pretty uncomfortable/dire.

Ø No one has ever asked me what my high school or college GPA was. Ever. Bastards! My high school guidance councilor (Mr. Ned Toffee) told me that I’d never amount to a pile of beans unless I earned a few Bs & Cs. I worked my ass off for nothing - Frickin Idiot!

Ø My wife is remarkable. She is truly beautiful. Her adaptability is amazing. We've lived in 7 countries and 12 cities in the last ten years! I want to become a better person just to make her happier. She can also be a huge fucking challenge. That said, the good will always outweigh the bad. (I sincerely hope the “Instruction Manual” has some helpful hints regarding Peri-menopause. If it does not, this is going to be an interesting few years.)

Ø High school friends remain amongst the closest I have. But the onus is on me to keep all of my friends. I need to initiate the communication – or the friendships inevitably fade…

Ø Being a “leader” has advantages and disadvantages. But I believe that all humans irrespective of roll - have a stress-builder mechanism. Hence if you are a battlefield surgeon saving children’s lives, or a trust-funded twenty-something, your mind/body creates stress. My guess: this human facet possibly has something to do with Darwin and our knowledge/instinct that we must be ready to run from the saber-tooth tiger/large T-rexes.

Ø Perception is everything. Aristotle had it right ~24 hundred years ago. The person you are trying to persuade will be more malleable if you understand their needs/desires/motivations and modify your message to the same.

Ø Laughter cures almost all. Such a powerful emotion.

Ø I change over time. I love spinach. I no longer appreciate the spinning cups amusement ride. The Mighty Boston Celtics are no longer, (Go Kings!)

Ø Giving is more fun than receiving.

Ø People with wealth are not necessarily happier than people without wealth. Happiness seems to be derived from being appreciative for what you have and the life you live.

Ø I am often the most fortunate when I just say “yes.” I occasionally have regrets when I say “no.”

Ø My mother, one of the planet’s wisest beings, used to tell us that M&Ms, Desitin Antiseptic, and gray tape could be used to fix just about anything. If I maybe so bold, I’d like to add www.craigslist.org and a Visa card to the mix.

Ø Argue for your limitations, and they are yours.

Things I don’t understand:

Ø Why can’t I be more tolerant? I try hard, but I often fail.

Ø Why do people pay for “lift” kits on pick-up trucks/SUVs that never see more than their lawn? That $1000 could house and feed the average family in India for 4 years.

Ø Were there really this many pervs prior to the advent of the Internet?

Ø Why do tiny Asian women always ask for the Emergency Exit Aisle seats on airplanes? These are the only seats in coach class fit for a man over 5’10” tall. Why don’t we institute some carnival/amusement ride clown-signage that says, “You must be taller than my hand to ask for this prized seat?”

Ø Why don’t many people understand that they control their own destiny?

Ø Why do dogs stretch so often? They must understand something I do not.

Ø Why does anyone really care who Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, Cher and Merv Griffin are supporting for the Presidential Democratic nominee? Shouldn’t we be asking really smart people who they are supporting and why? Lets ask the Nobel Prize winners their opinions… at least they’d be somewhat credible.

Ø Why does chocolate chip cookie dough taste considerably better cold and uncooked, while day-old re-heated pizza taste like heaven?

Ø Why do I still have acne? What the fuck is that about? I had a whitehead on my nose this morning that was the size of Pennsylvania. I am forty years old just this morning – give me a break.

Ø Can anyone tell the Democrats from the Republicans anymore? Why can’t we have more recalls like we had for the Governor of California? I want hundreds of choices when we elect someone to any political office. It seems to me that two candidates, who are often indistinguishably similar to each other, serve insufficient purpose.

Ø When did we lose objective news reporting? When did the networks/publishers decide that we actually wanted/cared what their political inclinations were?

Ø Why shouldn’t we accept Steve Forbes premise that taxes are best raised by focusing on what people spend, not what people make? Does it just make too much sense? Or put too many government droids out of work?

Ø Why don’t people read more?

Ø Why don’t we have cures and vaccines for cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer’s, the common cold, various addictions and especially Parkinson’s Disease?

Ø What the hell is all this nose hair about? And gray nose hairs? Yikes.

My favorite books:

Ø Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. I think of myself as/want to be Hank Rearden.
Ø Richard Bach’s Illusions. Yes, it is early-70’s hippy silliness/idealism – but I believe sincerely. And I see blue feathers nearly everywhere I look. I never have bugs on my windshield.
Ø Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. The very best satire of human motivations…
Ø Neuromancer by William Gibson. Cyber-punks rule.
Ø Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson. The scary part of this book is how real “it” all is…
Ø Empire Falls by Richard Russo. Terrific writer.
Ø High Fidelity by Nick Hornsby. Yeah, the movie was good also, but all of Hornsby’s writings make me laugh/sob to the core.
Ø A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. Not the novel you may be accustomed to…but that’s more reason for you to read it.
Ø When I was an angry young single man, I re-read Men without Women by Ernest Hemmingway at least 2 dozen times. The man could write.
Ø Tales from Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet. Brilliant. Oh, and funny.
Ø Eric Segal’s Love Story. Can still draw tears just thinking about Jen.
Ø The Truth Machine by James Halperin. Life in 2004?
Ø The Thin Man by Dashell Hammett. 1930’s glamorous couple that solve murders on 3 martinis before lunch.
Ø Michael Chabon’s The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. America – what a country.
Ø Irving Stone’s The Agony and the Ecstasy. Historical fiction about the Renaissance and the sculptor Michelangelo.
Ø Many worlds, many choices in Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman.
Ø Carl Hiaasen’s Basket Case – comic crime genre (really).
Ø The king of twisty-plots – Charles Palliser and his book, Betrayals.
Ø I have really enjoyed every Harry Potter book written. What an imagination she has!
Ø There is no better “escape” than anything by: Forsythe; Ludlum; Clancy; le Carre; Coonts; and Coban. I often learn more about the world via these books, than all the CNN/Fox News/BBC/MSNBC combined.

WTF: I am getting pretty damn old and presumptuous that I feel I can list my favorite books. My hubris is huge - especially from a guy that was third in his HS class - third from the bottom.

Favorite Jokes:

Ø A mushroom walks into a Bar and asks for a martini. The bartender looks up from his newspaper and is startled to see a mushroom asking for a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t usually serve your kind in this bar.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I am a fungi.”

Ø A piece of string walks into the same bar a few hours later and also asks for a martini. The bartender is quite surprised and annoyed to see a piece of string asking for a drink. “Get out of here! We don’t serve string here,” yelled the bartender. The string walked outside the bar and greeted a passerby. “Sir, may I ask you a favor.” The passerby was not accustomed to meeting and talking to string, but agreed to listen. “Would you kindly tie me in a knot?” asked the string. The passerby told the string that the request was weird, but he agreed and tied the string into a knot. “And Sir, before you go, will you unravel my ends?” The passerby thought this was especially weird, but complied and quickly left the scene. The piece of string reentered the bar and asked for a double martini. The bartender looked up from his newspaper and asked, “Aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out of here?” The string answered, “No I am a frayed knot.”

Ø A horse walks into the bar about ten minutes later and sits next to the piece of string. The bartender looks up from his newspaper and asks, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

Back to the question regarding Life’s Instruction Manual… Anybody have a spare copy that they can lend me? I’ve googled for it – but no luck. When I was very young (age 4-12 approximately), I had a recurring dream that there was a vast Matrix-like conspiracy where I was sort of a laboratory experiment – with the entire world controlled by women who wanted to see/examine how I reacted to various situations and stimuli. Cameras, recorders, and “special agents” (usually attractive women), follow my every move and report back to Headquarters (looks a lot like the Bat Cave in my dreams). In these dreams (almost always a new plot every evening – but the same characters), I am occasionally able to make these quasi-scientific voyeurs inadvertently reveal themselves, (much to my triumph and their embarrassment). These female ultra-manipulators also try to inject me with Saccharin (Pink not blue Equal nor white Splendid) in order to put be in an agreeable trance-like state. Now over the last thirty or so years, I have learned that this dream is just that – a dream, (their Headquarters building is for example - not the Bat Cave! It is the Empire State Building in NYC). But what does the good “Manual” have to say about the subject? Women are nearly 52% of the entire WW population, and yet they don’t squish us men like the bugs we are. What’s up with that? Another conspiracy where the schlong-less actually pretend to moan about being second-class, and yet know in their hearts and minds that they rule the world? We men are so stupid – we’d probably fall for that kind of ploy…

This morning my wife asked me to make coffee as she was running late to work. She tried to make it funny – she said, “The room service in this hotel sucks!” It was then it hit me, I was the room service in this hotel. It’s true. Me = room service. Damn.

When I turned forty, my wife said, “how’s it feel to know you’re half-way through the race?”

Who said anything about a race? (Must be something that I am unaware of due to my lack of acquiring/reading the Instruction Manual.)

And halfway? Wow. How does she know? Was it a slip of the tongue – please tell me she is not one of Them?

Oh damn. Back to bed for me – where it is safe and “just a dream.”