Originally Posted: 2006-12-14 12:19am
Oh, the men I have met off CRAIGSLIST...
As the year draws to a close, I am going over the high and low points of the 2006. This year saw the most shocking (and amazing) mid-term election to date, Steven Colbert's priceless roast of the president, as well as some other memorable occurances that I'm not going to mention. But, this year, for me at least, there is something much more worth sharing with my fellow craigslist addicts; my personal escapades.
First off, I like to think that I'm a cool girl. I've got good taste in music, I'm educated, and I read a lot of books. I cook, take care of the apartment I share, volunteer, got to lots of shows, and attend college as well as work full time. I'm young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde. I watch sports and adult swim, and I'm naturally very easy to get along with. I'm not shallow or close-minded. I value my family, and always find time for my friends. I don't do drugs, have stds, or drink anymore, although I do have a cigarette every once in a while. I'm well dressed, play a little guitar, always drama free, and am friendly. and...I'M SINGLE AND I WISH I WASN'T!! Seiously, I get asked all the time, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Well what am I supposed to say to that? I don't fucking know why I'm single, I guess things aren't supposed to work out for me just yet.
Now, some would consider the following statement a deal-breaker, but I'm gonna spill it anyway. After all, this is MY RANT.
I am promiscuous. (Wikipedia has a great definition of the word if you're interested). I like sex. A lot. Actually, I love sex. I haven't been in a real relationship in a very long time, and I miss regular sex (among other things). I'm multi-orgasmic, and while I'm not going to get too into it, I'm wierd when I'm not getting a sufficient dose of coitus. Now granted, while I am on the ADVENTUROUS side, I am no slut. I think the right guy is out there for me somewhere, but I don't know where the hell he is, or why I haven't found him yet. After all, I am still young right? I got out of a pretty bad relationship about 8 months ago, and I decided that what ever I was doing to meet men was not working. A friend of mine met a pretty impressive nsa buddy on Craigslist, and I figured "Well, Try everything once right?" nope.. WRONG! ONCE TURNED INTO ME BECOMING A TOTAL CL CE ADDICT!!
So now, the year is ending, and I am swearing off of craigslist for a while. But I thought I would visit the rants and raves section to vent a little first..
34 MEN. Yes, that's right, I've met 34 men off of CL. No joke. NO, I have not had sex with all of them, but I could have. I've gotten over 3500 responses in the past 6 months, from ads that I have posted, and I have met about 8 from ads that I responded to. I know most people reading this will think I'm full of shit, but it's all true. I don't know if I can do them all justice in this little post, but I'll try my best. SO NOW.. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.. THE MEN I'VE MET OFF CRAIGSLIST.
1) ANDREW: You were so nice. I posted some silly ad about being bored and wanting company, and you thought it would be cool if we painted together or something completely juvenile like that. You sounded awesome, and we met the same day. Little did I know that you would turn out to weigh about 100 LBS and look like a cancer patient, but hey, I gave you a shot anyway. We went grocery shopping together on our date, and you wouldn't stop talking about your fucking Jetta. Yes, You drove a Jetta, and let me tell you, that's the way to get the ladies! Well, you were cool, but I never saw or talked to you again, and was pretty wierded out when you tried to kiss me, but I played it off like the nice girl I am. You weren't so bad, sorry it didn't work out.
2) ADAM: The only thing I'm going to say about you is.. WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR PHOTOS RETOUCHED? Seriously. You sent me pics, and I saw Calvin Klein Ads. You brought yourself, and I saw Kramer from Seinfeld. What the FUCK?? yeah, definitely ditched out on your ugly ass. No way I was letting you buy me a drink, creep.
3) CURTIS: I found your from one of my "NSA I really just wanna get fucked right now" posts. I went to your place, and you had the most awesome apartment I had ever seen. We talked, got to know eachother, then started to mess around. The minute you put the condom and slid inside me once, you came. PEACE OUT! I grabbed my purse, felt like an ass, and walked out. You running down the stairs half-naked yelling "I can go again!" wasn't enough to make me turn around. You e-mailed me for weeks to come, no hard feelings man, just clean out the pipes next time BEFORE you invite pretty girls over to fuck.
4) CHRIS: I don't remember what post we met from, but I'm glad I found you either way. We had the greatest friendship ever, and the best sex. I loved you, and you loved me, even though we would have never worked together. You would always tell me that I gave the best head in the world, and had the prettiest face you'd ever seen. You were selfish, and was always petrified that I was sleeping with other men, and you knew I was. I tried to get you to devote a tiny part of yourself to me, but you would never commit, and that hurt. I would have given you my all if you had asked for it. We used to fight, but it never mattered because I could never stay mad at you. When you moved to Canada, I couldn't say goodbye to you and we haven't spoken since.
5) ROGER: MY GOD YOU WERE AMAZING. I think I went crazy over you the minute we met. First off, you were too cool. You wore Seven Jeans, smelled like a shower, and had eyes like the sunrise. Your smile wouldn't quit. The first time we met, you took me to my favorite coffee shop, and we talked for hours. You read as much as I did, we were the same major, and we liked all the same music. You looked like a god damned model. You were a writer with a smile like christmas morning. You held my hand and called me beautiful. We talked about Anais Nin and listened to Bob Dylan. We vowed to spend the whole summer together. We had amazing sex, and afterwards, you told me you were moving back to Pennsylvania and you were sorry, but you couldn't see me anymore. BURN.
6) LON: You were stunning. You dressed well, were a dj, and had your own apartment. I went over, and you fucked me 9 ways from Sunday. We watched a french film, and had good sex. I never saw you again, and I like it that way.
7) JEREMY: You came straight from the pages of Psychopathia Sexualis. MY GOD YOU WERE THE FREAKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. I've never met anyone who could last like that. Some of the things we did were so insane, I won't dare write them. You still call me sometimes :) You sure did bring out the beast in me.
8) MARK: We went to high school together, and you found my post. I took a chance on you, and I blew your mind. You filled my inbox with dirty text messages all day until I had to break it off. Seriously, I know I give good head, but leave a girl alone man, it's creepy.
9) JIM: You would not stop talking about yourself. You know what? You weren't that cool. You were short, smoked too much, and had ugly tattoos. CLEAN YOURSELF UP BEFORE YOU TAKE A GIRL OUT, DEUCHBAG.
10) CLIFF: You were obsessed with the SF Giants to the point of no return. I can't believe that you actually thought I would have sex with you. You had white fizz at the corners of your mouth, and made me want to vomit. You were another one who looked nothing like your damn pictures, and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to be sweet to you, but you tried to take advantage of it.
11) ERIK: You were from Russia, we talked a lot online. You were absolutely adorable. I thought that it would be cool to meet a foreign guy and try to show him around. You didn't speak very good English, but you tried, and that was cute. On our first date you bought be chocolate. When I went to your apartment to fuck you, you had no idea what you were doing. You were the worst kisser in the world, covered in hair, and probably had the strangest looking dick I'd ever seen. I tried so hard not to laugh at your desperate attempt to penetrate me, but I couldn't help it. YOU WERE THE WORST I'VE EVER HAD. Poor guy, you don't watch enough porn.
12) MIKE: Yeah, you were wierd. You straight up asked me "Will you just suck my dick and then leave?" Haha, dare to dream doll, you were repulsive looking anyway. NO WAY. LATER. You weren't attractive, but I'm not shallow. I tried to be cool until you spit out that comment.
13) PETER: We had the best date ever. I was so into you. You knew how to show a girl a good time. You were sweet and genuine, and made me like you instantly. We kissed a lot and you didn't turn into a sleaze. When I called you the next day, you freaked out and called me clingy. Jesus - commitment phobe eh? I guess I fucked up, and I think there was a time that I would have given anything to have you call me again. Over it now, but damn that sucked.
14) JOEY: YOU WERE A FUCKING ASSHOLE! so cute, so hot, so sweet, so shy. You could have just told me you had a girlfriend instead of crushing my hopes after so much time had gone by. Psh. Men.
15) SHAWN: You were cool, and we had a good date, but just didn't hit it off. You kinda had this strange constipated look on your face all the time.
16) DAN: You were cute and indie, but little did I know you would turn into a depressed, ADD, and OCD FREAK. When I touched your dick, you came in my hand. EEEWW!! I was scared of making you angry or something, so I pretended I had an emergency and had to leave. I was still nice to you after that, you weren't so bad.
17) FRANK: You were my ghetto fab honey pie :) You were cool and pretty down to earth. We had some cool chill times. The first time I sucked your dick, you offered me to come live with you rent-free. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I may be quite the cock sucker, but I won't be your love slave, no matter how much you offer me! Oh man, good laugh.
18) PAT: Wow you had a big dick. You were the greatest fuck buddy ever, because we weren't attached, and didn't know much about eachother either. You sure did show me a good time more than once!! You were pretty cocky though, I mean.. you were hot, and you knew it. But come on, you still weren't no Don Juan. You went and found yourself a girlfriend :(
19) JON: You were by far, my craziest story. You also didn't look like the pictures you sent me, and you had the funniest walk in the world. I wanted to laugh just listening to you and your ridiculous little gay laugh, but I thought we could be friends at least. Well, when I went to your apartment and you locked the door behind me, I freaked out. The minute you went to the bathroom, I scrambled to the door, struggled with the lock, then ran out like the fucking house was on fire, jumped over your 6-step stoop, and hit the ground running. I don't think I've ever been more freaked out. You left me a nasty voice-mail calling me a "Stupid Cunt of A James Bond" hahahahaha.
20) BRENT: You were another good fuck buddy. You had the greatest taste in music, and could last at least 4 times a night. Too bad you had to go back east, I'm glad we keep in touch :)
21) DANE: PIECE OF SHIT! I don't know if i'll ever find it in my heart to forgive you. You seduced me, and I thought we had a good little thing going. We used to buy each other presents, and talk for hours. You were good times until I took you to a friend's party and found you in her room fucking her while she was in a half-conscious drunked stupor. I had to get some of my bigger guy friends to kick you the fuck out, and I spit in your face. ASSHOLE. Go to hell for all I care, you're dick wasn't big anyway. Thank God she doesn't remember you scum.
22) JACK: You lived far away, but I didn't care because you had your dick pierced, and that was enough for me! I thought you took it a little overboard with the tattoos, but we still had a good time. You were so sweet to me.
23) JAMES: Ha, yeah, definitely not talking about you, drunk sleaze. I'm happy I escaped when I did. You actually hang out with a friend of mine, which is ever wierder.
24) JONNY: I could have never predicted what would happen between you and I. We had a couple dates, hit it off, but then you dissapeared. I was bummed, but we ended up meeting up later, and now, you're my best friend. I still can't believe I met you off this stupid thing. We're essentially the same person, you and I. Love you man, enough said.
25) VICTOR: Ok, You claimed you were a male model. STUPID ME! You were super hot, but you were a fucking virgin! my god! VIRGIN! you had no idea what you were doing, and I couldn't believe someone as hot as you had never had sex. Well, after you couldn't keep it up anymore, you confessed to me that it was your first time. I almost choked on my own spit!! JESUS! well, at least I taught you a thing or two right??? :) We're still friends.
26) STEVE: Army boy. Why did you want me to pee on you so bad? Sorry man, wasn't into it. You did know how to go down on a girl though! After a while, you got upset that I wouldn't pee on you and dropped me like I was hot. HAHAHA What was I thinking!?
27) DAN: You were young, and so cute. We made out a lot, but that was it. You work too much, so we could never see each other. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
28) ALEX: You broke my heart, and I don't know what else to say. Fucking liar. You don't tell women that you love them, then suddenly change your mind. Well, your dick was small and you came too fast anyway.
29) SCOTT: You were like Shawn. One date, no hitting it off. You didn't look like your pics either. You used a FUCKING HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL to pay for some 6 dollar coffee. Come on man, you trying to impress me just made you look like a desperate fool.
30) NICK: Oh man, you were hot. HUGE DICK. too bad you still lived with your parents. We watched Resevoir Dogs and had a really good time together. You lived too far away though.
31) CHASE: Shit, I could talk about you for days. You were like Roger, almost perfect, but scared to committ. You were a professional surfer and professional soccer player.. you took pictures and loved Pablo Neruda. You listened to good music, were a DJ, went to Berkeley, and helped underpriveledged kids for a living. I was so smitten. You were so sweet to me, and always considerate. We had amazing sex, and sweet intimacy. You ultimately were too scared to be involved, and I couldn't blame you, I just wasn't the one. I still dream about you sometimes.
32) JOHN: You came when I started to put the condom on you. COME ON! ARE YOU SERIOUS? I kicked your ass out of my apartment before you could even say sorry. Psh.
33) CHARLIE: You were a fucking country bumpkin. I walked in and you had Johnny Cash on the wall, Hank Williams on the stereo, and Clint Eastwood on the Tube. Are you kidding me? You tried to kiss me and I smelled chewing tobacco, and almost vomited on your face. Later!
33) MATT: stalker! Leave me alone, I will not marry you.
Well, there you have it. All the men I've met from this magical little site. If you read this and think I'm awesome, respond with a pic and something about yourself.
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