I've tried shrooms once before. My experience was a memorable one, to say the least. I saw crazy colors, couldn't understand a thing that anybody said, and thought that I peed on myself twice that night. Which is what leads me to my next story. One night, long long ago (eh, maybe like 2 months ago) my friends and I got ahold of some shrooms. I will use our "diaper" names to protect the innocent. My name is Pampers, and my friends are Luvs and Huggies. Luvs and Huggies had never done shrooms and have only heard about my crazy experience. I warned them about everything, but also told them that I thought I pissed my pants, and made sure that they knew not to pee on my expensive furniture. Luvs is notorious for having a weak bladder. So Huggies and I (aka Pampers) decided it would be in our best interest to go to the local Longs Drugs and buy some god forsaken Depends Adult Garments... aka DIAPERS, bitch. We weren't sure that Luvs would be down to wear a diaper, but after a lot of trickery and promises of never telling a soul, we got her to strap a bitch on. Here are MY top 10 reasons why you should NOT wear an ADULT DIAPER in your MID 20's unless you are bed confined and can't get to the bathroom yourself.
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10- It's fucking retarded. We didn't realize this until after they were already on our ripe little bottoms. We really thought that we had the BEST IDEA EVER (if you accidentally piss yourself, at least it's in a damn diaper, right??) and we ran with it. Now we have a secret that we can't let out, for fear of being tormented by our peers forever.
9- Diapers are uncomfortable. We know this, so trust us. I don't know how babies can wear them, but they make you fucking sweat, you get all hot... I'm surprised we didn't end the night with diaper rash.
8- They are fucking noisy! How the hell can old people sport these things in public without their spot gettin blown by all the crinkling going on in their pants??! The sounds were enough of a reminder of the DUMBEST THING WE EVER DID, let alone the vaginal sweating.
7- They ruin friendships. After we decided to take the diapers off, somebody threw one of the "used" ones into the front lawn. We got into a fat ass fight over the stray diaper because nobody wanted to pick the damn thing up. I knew I wasn't gonna pick it up, because I had no idea who's vagina it had touched. Oh well.
6- The damn diapers are so hard to put on! I had to have Huggies strap mine on, because I was too stupid to figure that shit out myself. Just know that the diapers don't come with an instruction manual, and they might out smart you... with all those sticky tabs and such.
5- You loose all respect for yourself (and others). There was one person in the house who didn't wear a diaper that night. He was the only one out of the whole bunch actually THINKING, and now he has lost all respect for the 3 of us.
4- BLACK MAIL IS A BITCH. That's all I can say.
3- You really don't pee on yourself while shroomin. At least we didn't. We wore those diapers in SHAME for like an hour, before we realized that we were STILL getting up and going to the BATHROOM like normal adults. We never peed on ourselves. We almost all wish we had pissed our pants, just to say it was worth it.
2- Now we can't stop talking about it. It's always a topic of conversation and it never gets old. We are in the process of writing poetry to express our emotions about the whole situation. Since we can't really talk about it with friends, poetry is our only outlet. And now, so is Craigslist.
1- Did I mention how STUPID we feel? Because we really do. We wore diapers, we have labeled ourselves the Diaper Trio or DT for short, and have remixed the words to GNR's Sweet Child Of Mine to Sweet Diaper Remains.
We found little bits and pieces of diaper in my front lawn for days after... we call them the Diaper Crumbs or---the remains. We will never forget you, remains. RIP.
<3, Huggies, Pampers and Luvs.
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