Originally Posted: 2003-09-16 12:54pm
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Wanted: A Male Wife
I want a wife. But I'm not gay, so you must be a man. These are some of the things that will be required:
1. Must make me delicious, healthy, well-balanced meals. I want them served on time, and hot. Be dressed sexy when you bring them to the table. And all of the groceries must be paid for with coupons you have clipped. Make sure you study the papers for the best deals. If you have to travel out of town to get the best deals, then so be it. I want you to save as much money as you can for my hobbies and amusements. And if I decide to bring my lunch to work, make sure you put a love note in with my lunch, to boost my confidence throughout the day.
2. Must shop for me. You must know all of my sizes, brand-name and color preferences, and preferred styles. You must pick up these items while you are out shopping for other things, just because you saw them, and you knew I would like them. Study magazines so you know of upcoming trends, and keep me updated with them at all times. I'm out there trying to earn a living, trying to make us both look good. Help out.
3. Must do my laundry. I want my clothes dry-cleaned when appropriate. The rest you will do yourself. This includes ironing. Keep my clothes neat, pressed, and hung up on those nice wooden or padded hangers. None of those shitty wire hangers. Never shrink my stuff or get bleach spots on them, or mix colors with whites. As soon as my clothes hit the floor after a hard day of work, you need to get your laundry mojo kicking.
4. Must remember all birthdays, anniversaries, etc. of any significant people in my life. Buy appropriate cards for them, and presents if needed. Learn how to gift wrap presents in the fancy style of department stores. Don't forget, I will be taking credit for everything you do for my friends, family, and co-workers. If word gets out that you got the gifts instead of me, I will still strut around, proud that I had the intelligence and foresight to bag a hot piece of subservient ass like yourself.
5. Must clean my bathroom. Every day. Make it look like it's never been used. Always keep my shower stocked with my favorite shower gels, shampoos, conditioners, razors (don't let me ever run out of razor blades), shaving cream, lotions... you get the picture. Constantly check the amount left in my grooming products and make sure that they are never low. Replace my toothbrush at the dentist-recommended intervals.
6. Must be tearfully greatful whenever I do the smallest thing. Never expect me to help out, but when I'm feeling magnanimous and I clear my plate off, call all your friends and tell them how great of a spouse I am. Reward me with oral.
7. Must be sexually available to me, always. Know all of my favorite fantasies and fetishes, and be ready to fulfill them at the drop of a hat. Have costumes on hand, and friends that can join us, if that's what I desire. I'm horny all the time, so have a stash of Viagra, or study tantric sex practices, because I don't want to have to wait for you to get it up again. Read Maxim, Stuff, Cosmo, or any other sex tip magazine or book that will tell you how to keep me interested. Don't be offended when I look at other men, or think about them while I'm with you. Realize I'm a sexy, successful woman, who has chosen you to receive the main benefits of my goodness, but that other people will want what you have, and will be competing with you for me. Always be prepared that I could find something better, so only bring your A-game. Never take me for granted.
8. Must work out constantly. Have a minimum of a six-pack, eight if you can. Never get fat or out of shape. Employ whatever means necessary to achieve this. Get a personal trainer (must be a male only.), get plastic surgery, take dangerous drugs, get anorexia or bulimia...I don't care. This is not my problem, and I don't want to know how you get perfect, or deal with any of the side-effects of you getting perfect. Whenever possible, try to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, if you can. Dye your hair, cut it, study his movements. Don't get old - there is no excuse for this. Don't look tired or sick. Don't be sick, and if you are, don't tell me about it. Continue doing everything I require of you, cheerfully. Be tall. Get leg lengthening surgery if necessary. Be tan. Have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of. Have an enormous dick, that is circumcised. Remove all pubic, chest, ass, and back hair. Never break out. Always smell good. Never have intestinal issues.
9. Only talk to me only when I want you to, about things I want to talk about. Don't bother me with your little problems and issues. Don't complain about me. Don't complain about anything, it brings me down. Never be moody. Only discuss your issues with your therapist. When I come home, have my drink of choice ready, my favorite TV show on, and an assortment of newspaper and magazine articles that might interest me next to my chair. Have candles lit. Have a snack made. Massage my head and shoulders, answer my phone calls, keep the kids quiet. I don't want to hear fighting, or see any evidence of children in the house. Also, rub my feet and give me a pedicure. When asked, have my personal schedule ready to go over. Make all appointments for me, such as hair cuts, facials, doctor and dental appointements. Know when I will need these appointments, and make them at a time that is convenient for me.
My hands are tired, so know that this is just a preliminary requirement list. Applications are now being considered. Come on boys. Impress me.