HERE ARE THE ANSWERS FOR YOUR 23 POINTS....



San Francisco prides itself as America's most beautiful city. Well, I suppose ignorance is bliss. Here are some reason's why San Francisco will NEVER be a world-class city (e.g. London, Paris, New York):

1. The people are narrow-minded fools: easily-offended and quick to judge (I am not judging, just merely making an observation).

YOU EVER ASK A PARISIAN FOR DIRECTIONS? I ASKED A GUY WHERE NOTRE DAME WAS AND HE BEAT ME WITH A MIDGET.

2. The museums are weak; one has to utter "Louvre" or "MET", and anything in SF is completely overshadowed.

YOU’RE RIGHT. I MUTTERED “LOUVRE” JUST LAST WEEK AND IT TRIGGERED A LUNAR ECLIPSE.

3. In a city with such cultural diversity, whites still have the upper-hand over the minorities. Look who's getting evicted out of the Mission? Does anyone care?

IS THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND PAKISTANI?

4. It can be safe to state that SF has more SUV's per capita than any of the aforementioned cities.

ALSO A HIGHER PER CAPITA INCOME, WIDER STREETS, AND MORE RECREATION ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE THE CITY LIMITS.

5. The mayor of SF and George W. Bush share one trait: the mentality of a child.

SF VOTED MORE OVERWHELMINGLY AGAINST BUSH THAN ANY OTHER CITY IN THE COUNTRY. GROUP HUG.

5. People in SF have an inflated sense of ego, and they let everyone know about it pretentiously. They are able to tell people to "Fuck off" over the internet, but are afraid to do so in person. One can get a "Fuck off" just by standing on a corner in NY. SF natives: smiling on the outside, but a big "Fuck off" on the inside: hypocrisy of biblical proportions.

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO YOU TO BE ABLE TO TELL PEOPLE TO FUCK OFF ON STREET CORNERS?

6. BART is a disgrace. Who is the genius that installed carpet and cushion-seating on public transportation? How to get around after midnight? Taxis? Where? Muni is not even worth mentioning.

I CAUGHT A TAXI AT 2AM JUST LAST WEEKEND. AGAIN, PERHAPS YOUR INABILITY TO SECURE ONE IS RELATED TO THAT WHOLE STANDING ON THE CORNER SAYING “FUCK YOU” THING.

7. 1:45 am, last call. Nothing more needs to be said.

PERHAPS YOU KNOW MY FRIEND, AL COHOLIC.


8. What are the gays and lesbians suppose to do if they are not flaming? Unfortunately, SF prizes tackiness above sophistication, class, and good taste.

THEY LEAD NORMAL EVERYDAY LIVES, LIKE THE REST OF US.

9. Microclimates? How about zero seasonal change? Californians mistake temperature consistency with nirvana. Unfavorable weather is for the strong; the weak move to California.

GO SLEEP IN YOUR BOXERS IN THE PARK, HERCULES.

10. It is safe to say that there are more obese people per capita in SF than in the aforementioned cities. Get off of the couch! Stop watching television! Stop eating huge portions. Go outside! What? The sun isn't out? Well take a nice walk. What? You have to move your SUV? Go downtown! What? Muni is having problems???

YOU’RE RIGHT. IF ALL SAN FRANCISCANS HAD OUR PULSES ARTIFICIALLY JACKED UP TO 140 BPM FROM SMOKING 4 PACKS A DAY AND SUCKING DOWN 15 ESPRESSOS PERHAPS WE’D LOOK BETTER IN SLACKS.

11. For people that are suppose to be so environmentally-minded, it is safe to say that there are more people per capita that own cars than in the aforementioned cities.

THE OTHER 3 CITIES WERE DESIGNED LONG BEFORE THERE WERE CARS, THE MOST RECENT BEING THE NYC GRID WHICH WAS CONCEIVED AROUND 1820.

12. The arts: let's count the number of artists, musicians, writers, etc. based in SF, and the number based in each of the respective aforementioned cities.

THAT SOUNDS AWFULLY TEDIOUS. YOU COUNT AND GET BACK TO ME.

13. SF prizes the slothful above the active and the sloppy above the dapper.

SLOTH? THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN FRANCE IS ABOUT 146%.

14. People that do not know how to run a business, should not be running businesses. Case in point: the dot-bomb. There is a reason why "profitable" businesses are based in the aforementioned cities: the people living there know what they are doing; they do not bring animals to work with them, nor do they play foosball and video games while at work.

THOSE ARE THE CITIES THAT HAVE SO MANY PROFITABLE BUSINESSES THAT THEIR UNEMPLOYMENT RATES ARE HIGHER THAN OURS, RIGHT?

15. Why are the houses in SF so poorly insulated. And poorly constructed, and poorly inhabited, and poorly maintained, and ...

THEY’RE NOT. YOU LIVE IN A SHITHOLE. DON’T EXTRAPOLATE TOO MUCH FROM THAT.

16. What is the fixation with native pseudo-celebrities such as Robin Williams and Sharon Stone? Is that the best that SF has to boast about? Where are the real important people?

SHARON STONE WAS BORN IN PENNSYLVANIA. ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS BORN IN CHICAGO. EXACTLY WHICH DEFINITION OF NATIVE WERE YOU USING?

17. How about the newspapers in San Francisco? Chronicle/Examiner is a joke. Even the LA Times is in a higher class. The Weekly and the Guardian should stop pretending to be the Village Voice.

THE NY POST CANCELS OUT THE NY TIMES, RIGHT?

18. People in SF lack a certain kind of wit and attitude that makes daily life interesting. How many conversations on BART are centered around television programs?

DOES THE BENZADRINE ADDICT MUGGING THE OLD LADY ON THE NY SUBWAY BERATE HER WITH QUOTES FROM CHAUCER?


20. Half a million for 2 bed/1 bath fixer-upper in the Mission? Nothing more to say.

THAT MUST MEAN PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE HERE. PERHAPS THEY HAVEN'T READ YOUR TREATISE.

21. It is safe to say that there are more ugly and unattractive people in SF than in any of the aforementioned cities. Refer to numbers 10,13, and 18.

MORE THAN LONDON? ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THEIR DENTAL PROGRAM? THEY FLOSS WITH STICKS.

22. All this in just five minutes. Give me an hour, you'll have The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

IF YOU WANT AN HOUR YOU’LL HAVE TO PAY FOR IT, LIKE ALWAYS.

23. "San Francisco: decent place to visit, wouldn't want to live there" is a phrase heard more and more.

BUH-BYE.


Signed,

A native San Franciscan who loves whomever moves here as long as he isn’t a misanthropic jackass.