Originally Posted: 2003-08-20 9:24pm
The Disgusting Creature Under My Toenail (I Don't Want Him To Die)
While I was sleeping with my eyes open in front of the TV, I saw a commercial for people who have yellowed, ugly or flaky toenails (I don't know about your toenails, but mine are so flaky. They're always standing me up! I make plans with them, say, meet me at the BBQ place in an hour, and then of course I sit there for 2 or 3 hours and they never show up!!)
Anyway, the narrator explained that ugly, discolored or flaky toenails may be the result of a bacteria (this is where the helpful graphics came in) living under your toenails. In the graphics, the region under the toenail was depicted as a strange pinkish hell, with small suprisingly playful beige colored demons cavorting around and having a good time making your toenails look bad. Having presented the problem, the narrator then offers us a solution: a 1-800 number. He even tells us in confidential tones that the bacteria under your toenails does not want you to make this call. Then a nice white pill came on the screen. I think it was called Lamisol, or some other weird sterile-sounding name. Who names these pills anyway?? There was also a disclaimer about not taking this pill if you have kidney or liver problems. They should have added, if you don’t have kidney or liver problems, but want some, start taking a lot of bizarre pills like these! I mean, what the hell! Are we a nation of people diagnosing our toenails and then going to a doctor and saying, I want to try this pill??
Then the crazy thing happened. The graphics came back. The pill was rolling through th pinkish hell that was your under-toenail region. All the demons escaped but the ringleader. The pill rolled down a small slope and rolled onto his tail. He grabbed his tail and yanked, but he couldn’t get it free. I was fascinated! Would I actually see the pill kill this Toenail Demon?? The little demon (he wasn’t such a bad guy; he just wanted to have a good time!) got his tail free and ran up a hill but the pill caught up to him and rolled over him. The little demon tried to run the other way but the pill rolled over him again. Strangely, the little demon never died. I was glad because: a) that would have been gory, and b) who wants a dead Toenail Demon’s carcass left under your toenail?? How is that going to smell after a hot day?? As the commercial faded out, the demon (very much flattened) was slowly trying to crawl away. He was obviously seriously injured, and should have been given medical attention. Instead the otherwise serene pill began rolling towards him again.