Hello Gentlemen,

I am looking for someone to save me from my marriage! I am looking to trade UP not laterally, nor downward. At the age of 33, I have had true love, great sex, a good friendship, fun, but never money. So now, it's time to look for a professional man who wants to be the provider. I know this is very old fashioned of me, but I don't care.

I do love my husband. He is a nice intelligent, handsome, artistic, funny, but he seems to be having a very real problem with figuring out what he wants to do in life. After all he's only 35! So after 12 years, I have figured out what is wrong with him. I am certain that it, is he is just incapable of earning or save money. He has never hit me. If he had. Believe me I wouldn't even have to think about leaving him. I'd just be gone. But that is not his nature which is a factor as to why I've had a problem getting a divorce. I do feel safe from violence in my relationship and my little one bedroom apartment.

I'M 33 AND NOT READY TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I take full responsibility for my unhappiness with my marriage. It is my fault that I want what a lot of other girls my age have. A HOUSE and CHILD. I have never lived any part of my adult life in anything other than a one bedroom apartment. Nor do we have children. We both have been tested and are fertile--sex 4 times a month or less after 30 does not make a baby.

Neither of us have been able to become the people we promised each other we'd be when we were 21. I've gotten over that, and shame too. Now it's time to move on. Why not get a divorce? Well believe me in the 12 years, I have attempted and not succeeded it many times. The truth is I have never been alone. I have only slept alone a couple of time and I am the BIGGEST COWARD on the face of the earth. I met my husband when I was 21. I don't have the slightest clue how to date. I have more fingers than I have had men. I have no STD's. I don't want to be old with him and still live in a one bedroom, not able to retire, after having a life with no kids. I also don't want to die alone in a studio apartment with many cats having never had kids thinking that my life was karma Darwin Award.

This last week I have posted 4 ads on CL. The first one I admitted being married. So, I got hundreds of responses for sex and a lot of pictures of penises. I was shocked that someone would send an unsolicited picture of their genitalia and expect a response.

Being the intelligent woman that I am I tried reverse psychology. I placed an ad asking for pictures of Dick thinking that I might find what I am looking for. I only got responses from homophobes and men who wanted me to prove that I am a man. My ad was pulled within the hour it was placed. Duh!

With that some clarity came to me. I placed an ad asking for Alpha Males Only. I got all the same penis pictures, and some more. I also did get some responses that truly did intrigue me.

After emailing back and forth with some of these men I got more clarity. And I placed my fourth ad. This time, I did not place it in the Casual Encounters Section. I placed it in the Women Seeking Men Section. See, I can learn. The ad was creatively titled, "Woman Seeking Man -30." In that I said what I want: "I am looking for a man between the ages of 20-50, who is successful, has money, aggressive, mature, handy, good with power tools & fixing things, getting things down from high places, lids off of jars, sports, the usual man stuff."

I forgot to mention but is critical, I want you to know about cars even if you never fix them yourself. (I'm tired of being screwed by auto shops). And I'm not an angry person, nor do I hit. I expect the same from any husband.

With that ad I did get a couple of really good candidates. I just forgot to mention that I'm married and upon emailing them I couldn't lie to these perfect men.

Oh and more than a couple men asked me what turned me on. I didn't respond because I am naturally inarticulate. After, talking with a couple of married men who answered the first ad I can now articulate the thing that gets me the wettest. So here's my fantasy:

You are tall, handsome, and just like the description above. You kiss me deeply for what seems to be days. You then, take me to your house. I feel so excited as you open the front door to your house. You pull me inside and kiss me more. You then drop to your knees and beg me to decorate your entire house. You plead with me. You offer infinite resources for me to accomplish this. I finally agree. We kiss passionately again. I do a fabulous job decorating. You knew I would because I like the Modern Bauhaus styles and some ancient styles. You also knew that I am a rare woman who hates knick-knacks, potpourri, doilies, dingle balls, pink, stuffed animals, knitting, embroidery, crochet, and a bizillion flowers or lace on furniture, etc. Then, we have great hot sex on all the new furniture in every room. We both cum too many time to count. I get pregnant. To reward me, you beg me to redecorate and occasionally I do. And we live happily ever after.

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how your going to prove to me that you are successful and capable of saving me. Resumes, charts and diagrams may work. Again, I am inarticulate.

Just incase, it's not clear I'm not looking for a woman in this lifetime. I am one of THE two women on the planet who can honestly have a good orgasm after 5 minutes in this missionary position. I really like men for this more than toys. I swear to God, stick a needle in my eye, hope to die that is the truth.

I will weigh essays about your greatness in performing cunnilingus less than essays about your accomplishments in life.

As I have just said, I am not looking for casual sex. Nor do I want to do your girlfriend, your wife, or a group of women. Ever. EVER! I also DO NOT want anything up my ASS. No! I have a vagina which nature specially designed to handle most things you may wish to put in me. I will never put anything up your ass unless directed by a physician and you are incapable of doing it yourself.

If you want a picture of me before you will talk to me. No. I'm STILL married. You can ask but you are not going to get one. So in fairness, I'll describe myself. I'm 33. I have blue eyes, salt-n-pepper hair, right now it's short because I stopped dying it (it is impossible to dye dyed black hair--you have to cut it off). I am 5' 4", a 38c cup, and 150lbs. I am not FAT! If I were 20 and 150lbs I might be fat, but if any of you have aged. I know some of you have. People DO just get heavier when the get older. So, if you think that I sound fat please don't respond we will never get along.

I maybe slightly crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to photograph my genitals and send the picture to strangers. Please do not send me pictures of yours. I will just laugh at you. I probably will send the picture to my girlfriends so they can laugh at you, too! Oh, and geniuses who do that--I live in San Francisco so some of my girlfriends are not female.

If you are the man who sent me an email asking for discretion because you are married, but you also sent a picture of yourself nude with a camera in your hand in front of the mirror. YOU ARE A DUMBASS!!!!

I must apologize to the man who is over 6' with the penis that hangs down to your knees. You maybe the exact man that I am looking for, but your penis hangs down to your knees. I am deathly afraid that if I ever slept with you--you could push all my internal organs into my armpits because your penis hangs down to your knees!

My biggest gift to offer is my sense of humor so if you have smirked a little...email me and save me from being 40, childless, and living in a one bedroom apartment.