Originally Posted: 2003-07-18 17:05 (no longer live)
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MC: sharing the blame for a bad night in bed

Reading the CL posts about men that are bad in bed, I hear echoes of criticism I have received first hand. Coaching definitely helps, so thanks to the CL women that spell it out from time to time.

That said, I’d also like to point out that I’m not willing to take all the blame, as some of the factors involved are not entirely in my control. I've missed the connection with sharing some of the responsibility in this situation.

For one, this “setting the mood” thing can go both ways. As a guy, you always hear about that, but I haven’t heard it expressed in the opposite direction. Next time you’re going to flip-out over your Alkaline Trio CD being on top of the TV, think it over. You might want me to spend 25 minutes with my face buried in your pubes sometime in the near future. I’ll be much more likely to put in a good effort if I’m not wondering why I’m there in the first place.

Another point that’s out of my control is the level of intricacy involved with getting your thing on. I have met women whose sexual needs are more complicated than a Mensa exam. Though I desire that you reach your goal, it’s easy to lose interest when navigating through the maze to get there. Remember, it’s not a man’s fault if the path to female orgasm has more stages than the Tour-de-France. Giving a cheat sheet will help, and I’m more than glad to study and improve, but don’t expect us to score in the 99th percentile every time. This goes double if we haven’t known each other very long. Memorizing a 15 page set of instructions is going to take a little practice.

It seems even in a long-term relationship, where familiarity is in our favor, “good sex” can still be moving target. One night, I’m going too fast. The next, it’s hurry up, or she’s frustrated. Then, I get in trouble because she didn’t climax. After that, I’m in trouble for being concerned that she didn’t climax? Damn! Oh, and let’s hope there isn’t some random noise in the house. Neighbors go up the stairs to their apartment ? Better radio in for more oxygen and supplies, because the summit approach has just returned base camp. Can women accept some responsibility for being inconsistent? Guys can’t “just know” what sort of night it is. It's no wonder guys develop a sexual strategy akin to sprinting through a mine field. Pick a line and go for it, and hope you get across in one piece.

Now, as far as the rolling over and sleeping is concerned, I can sympathize. Recently my partner had a climax, then turn cold and went to sleep. She was doing that “just to be fair”. The thing is, for a man, that's just the way the machine works. Before the nut, a guy would do just about anything. That’s the time to get us interested in a project. We’ll rub, lick, tickle, and maybe put up some shelves, or take out the trash. We’re keen, because the goods are loaded and ready, and the truck is about to arrive. However, once the (ahem) delievery is made, it’s quitting time. You don’t find the UPS man hanging around to see if like your order from amazon.com, do you?

The feeling we get after being “done” is different from yours. I’m guessing a woman’s orgasm is a lot like eating one really fancy chocolate truffle, maybe with a sip of good cabernet. Instead, imagine eating a whole box of truffles, stuffing them down by the handful, sandwiched between fudge brownies, and washing it down with a chocolate milkshake. Then imagine someone suggesting you run out for a hot fudge sundae. You see what I’m getting at?

I’ll grant that some guys out there are just plain bad, no doubt about it. I, for one, appreciate the advice. Like most guys, an occasional reminder does me good. Just keep in mind that we are mentally and physically quite different. Sure, we should work to meet your needs. However, more needs you have, the less likely it is you’re going to get them all met. Cutting your man some slack when he can’t get it right will help keep moral up for the battles to come.

And that noise was just the cat jumping off the table. Ferchissakes.




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