Things to do while on MUNI
2. If you have time, cut your toenails.
3. Talk loudly (to yourself or to your rockstar friends), let the whole bus know you have a hangover and you were gigging with your band all day. (Repeat many times.)
4. Burp loudly, especially in the back of someone’s head
5. Fart loudly, especially if you’re standing and your butt is facing someone’s head
6. Sneeze all over the place, especially in the back of someone’s head, or just wipe it on the railing.
7. Cough, especially in the back of someone’s head, and don’t cover your mouth.
8. If you’re an entitled princess on the 1, 3, 4, or 41, cross your legs so they stick out in the aisle.
9. Take a dry bath with Baby Wipes. Moist towelettes will do, if you’re out of Baby Wipes.
10. For the ladies, dry shave your legs with a disposable razor (a la Pecker).
11. For the wannabe ladies, dry shave your legs with a disposable razor (a la Pecker).
12. Pick your nose.
13. Pick your butt.
14. Scratch at your armpit(s).
15. Hawk a loogie out the window.
16. Throw your household garbage out the window.
17. Throw anything out the window.
18. Stick your head out the window.
19. Try to stick your feet out the window.
20. Take up as many seats as you can.
21. Lay down on as many seats as you can.
22. Eat your breakfast.
23. Eat your lunch.
24. Eat your dinner.
25. Eat someone else’s food (left on the seat).
26. Drink beer.
27. Drink someone else’s beer (left on the seat).
28. If you’re on the 14 or 49, carve or write in black marker your initials, gang name, phone number, loved one’s name, enemy’s name, address, where you’ll be on a certain date, or just make up your own words and write (scrawl) something really ineligible.
29. Air out your feet.
30. Take your hat off, which hasn’t been removed in weeks, and air out your hair.
31. Comb your hair.
32. Comb someone else’s hair.
33. Put rollers in your hair.
34. Put rollers in someone else’s hair.
35. Use your portable curling iron.
36. Apply make-up.
37. Wax your legs.
38. Wax your bikini area.
39. Wax your armpits.
40. Wax your moustache.
41. Prep the evening’s meal (shuck corn, dice carrots, etc.)
42. Change your baby’s diaper.
43. Hold family meetings.
44. Argue with your family members.
45. Throw things at your family members.
46. Throw things at people who are not your family members.
47. Walk up and down the aisle like your hot shit.