DISGUSTING but completely true story
It's gross, so don't say I didn't warn you!
As most people anywhere near the UC Berkeley campus know, tomorrow (Friday) is the last day of classes. Every student, including me, is feeling the wrath of our psychotic and bitter professors. The last two days of classes are the most stressful every semester. Not only do we have finals looming ahead of us, but we also have to deal with the fact that 99% of the professors will assign their papers due the last day of class (either Thursday or Friday). With two papers due tomorrow and finals next week, I'm dead smack in the middle of a double-whammy.
My body reacts to such stress in two ways. One of which is an elevated sex drive. With my boyfriend hunkered down in the library with his own papers and me cozy at home, I knew the most efficient way to finish the job would be to do it myself. I have a small apartment and a nearby roommate, so I decided to take a waterproof vibrator (thank you, Goodvibes) into the shower for some fun in the (loud-to-mask-my-own-sounds) water.
I hop in the shower with the trusty vibe and get warmed up under the spray of the shower. Ahhhh, things were feeling good. I face away from the shower head, prop my foot up on the corner of the tub, and start to have some fun. After a minute or two, with the thoughts of term papers completely out of my mind, I felt my body tense up and release some of that built up tension. Delicious!
Then I remembered the other way my body reacts to stress.
I felt a warm mass between my butt cheeks and realized I had done something I thought only infants and folks in nursing homes do. I had shit myself.
You see, the second way my body reacts to stress is through diarrhea. The loose stool, low in my bowels, saw the opportunity to escape during my orgasm and totally went for it. Fucker.
After realizing what happened, I had no choice other than to put the cum-covered vibe up on a shelf and clean my fecally incontinent ass down. Imagine standing in a shower and wet blobs of poop hitting your feet and running down your leg. Not to mention that, but while soaping up (3 times), I had to beat the intact pieces of shit clogging the drain down those little strainer holes as they were causing the water rise to rise up to my ankles. So I was literally ankle-deep in my own watery shit.
Now my skin is dried out from the violent and repetitive scrubbing. My shower is soaking in bleach, and I've lost an hour I could have used for my papers (for the actual event and writing this post).
At least I'm not horny anymore.
So, tonight, or any night this Holiday Season, if you start to feel low or depressed, just remember: if you're not swimming in your own diarrhea, you're better off than me.