Originally Posted: 2005-04-29 3:06pm
Mr. Choppy - The Craptastic Lawn Mower
That's right folks, step right up and check out the Assassin of lawn mowers. I call him Mr. Choppy.
This marvel of not-so-modern engineering does it all: it slices and dices, hones your reflexes, works you into a dirty, sweaty rage, and impresses the neighbors all at the same time. How does it do all that you might ask? Read on my friends.
About Mr. Choppy's features:
1. Built in speed control.
That's right. This nifty device has a simple, but effective way of saying "slow down you're cuttin' too fast". When you push him, and his blade spins it sends a nice rooster tail of grass, rocks, and whatever else happens to be in his path right back at you. Now, this is actually pretty satisfying if you like the smell of freshly cut grass, rocks, groundhogs, etc. The faster you go, the higher Mr. Choppy's rooster tail goes. So, depending on how tall, strong, and motivated you are, nothing says you've reached terminal velocity like a rock in the eye. How about a blast from the Grass Weasel, BAM! Awesome.
2. Reliability due to simplicity of design.
Tired of changing the oil? Winterizing your mower get you down at the end of the summer? Problems with hard starting? No problemo. Mr. Choppy has none of these hang-ups. I mean none. There's no problematic motor to keep running, no gas to buy, no stupid wussie safety devices to save your fingers. It's just two wheels a blade and a handle. Advantage: you.
3. Self propelled traction system.
Ok, that should read "propelled by self traction system" or "propelled by Nike" etc. This is the feature where you get both a workout and hone your reflexes. If you hit a patch of wet grass, and you don't have all terrain footwear or cat-like reflexes, you're pretty much going down for the count. On the bright side, the staff at most emergency rooms just love the extra business Mr. Choppy will bring them. And you probably weren't going to use your medical insurance this summer anyways, right? Right. Advantage: Mr. Choppy.
4. Optional Grass Catcher.
This is optional in the sense that it's an option if you want to supplement your lawn mowing workout with a little extra ballast. The damn grass never even makes into O'l Choppy's catcher due to feature #1. So, pretty much all this does is drag around behind The Choppster and trip you up which actually contributes to feature #3. Frankly, it works better when you lean it up against the side of the house and fill it with empty beer cans. Priceless.
5. Wow factor not available with 'traditional' mowers.
Yes indeedie. You will become the legend of your neighborhood when you mow with Mr. Choppy. Let's just assume for a moment that a fellow Craig’s Lister gets to Mr. Choppy first and becomes his proud new owner. As it turns out, Mr. Choppy's new owner is your neighbor across the street. Now picture this: you step outside your house one sunny Saturday morning ready to mow your own lawn to witness what can only be described as an awe-inspiring sight. Your neighbor across the street, we'll call him Mr. Shackles, and Mr. Choppy have declared war on the front yard. Shackles and Choppy are going at it, Shackles grunts and groans as he bobs and weaves, slips and slides, pushes and pulls as Choppy cuts and chucks blade after blade of unsuspecting grass at Mr. Shackles. It's a lawn slaughter and everybody is invited. Shackles breathes grass and rocks like a demon possessed with the will to decimate his unwieldy renegade lawn. Mr. Choppy happily and reliably complies until finally the day is won. Bloodied and bruised, dirty and sweaty, Mr. Shackles manages a prideful, grass stained, smile. The kind of smile that can only result from the satisfaction of a hard fought battle and a job well done for the entire neighborhood to see.
And after all, wouldn't you like it to be you that the neighbors talk about when they utter the phrase, "That guy is THE MAN. Did you see him mowing his lawn?"
This should be you. Don't wait, contact me today. Mr. Choppy has an appetite for destruction and it’s almost time to eat.