Hi. I'm a journalist. Or a reporter. Whatever word pisses you off more, I'm part of the mainstream media, the liberal media, the so-called liberal media. I am the epitome of all that is wrong with contemporary journalism.
That is why I need you to fuck me until I feel as disgraced sexually as I do professionally.
Look, I started my career with a great deal of optimism. I thought I was going to expose some hard truths. I thought I was going to tell stories that mattered to people. I thought I was going to write clever, piquant critiques of popular culture and politics that turned conventional wisdom on its head and opened new avenues of understanding and appreciating the world we live in.
Maybe I did some of that in the years I've been slaving in the salt mines. But mostly, I've capitulated to The Man.
Now, I want to capitulate to an actual man.
There's some sort of odiousness in my professional life that will irritate you no matter what your political stripe.
If you are Republican, I am indeed a liberal. There, I said it. I've left Republican voter quotes out of election stories because they were too infuriating; unless, that is, the quotes made the subject ridiculous and then I played them up. I've ignored your fucking women's clubs and your business "luncheons" (for fuck's sake, "lunch" will suffice!) and I would never deign to profile your pathetic loser hateful whitebread "Pioneers." I have a pitiful, wretched bias against asshole honkies like yourselves that manifests itself in small, ultimately meaningless ways since you never seem to realize the joke is on you.
You are arrogant, deluded and selfish assholes, and if you'd act like a supercilious pig who hates poor people — oh, excuse me, government handouts — and non-WASPs while jamming me with your arrogant cock that'd be great.
If you are a Democrat or progressive, there are reasons aplenty for you to hate me as well. I consistently toe the publisher's line; anytime there's an issue that a certain, moneyed sector of the community helps the publisher adopt as a cause of the publisher's own, I make sure all the coverage of said issue is superficial. Hey, I used to fight this, but after I nearly lost my lousy-paying shitty-benefits job because I told the truth about a community group with powerful vested interests, I decided the community would lose whether or not I caved. I don't file FOIA letters, either.
You are right about people like me, and if you could lord it over me while fucking my brains out, that might just do the trick.
If you don't hew to any political interests there's plenty to revile about my professional life which, sad to say, is the only life I seem to have. I capitalize Web site and Internet. I never use the passive voice. This is the longest thing I've written for publication in ages. I don't use a comma after the terminal "and" in a series. I rely on the press releases of boring and often insane community groups to develop stories around that you don't give a shit about, and I can't blame you for that!
I'm better-looking than your average reporter — God knows it's goblins and gnomes all over the newsrooms of the world — so that isn't saying much. Mostly, I expect my half-assed way of getting my shit pulled together to fuel your aggressive, angry libido.
I am everything that is wrong with the media, incarnated in human form. If you've ever said "Fuck the media," this is your chance.
QR Code Link to This Post