Originally Posted: 2004-12-03 11:44am

For You, Yes YOU! Women's Postings 101

For You, Yes YOU! Women's Postings 101

What’s up with all the illiterate men on Craig’s List? For those of you who are unsure of some of the confusing lingo women sometimes use, here is a translation guide.

HWP, Athletic, In Shape, Physically Fit=NOT FAT. Not ‘a little more of you to love’ or ‘my mom says I’m big boned’ or ‘I work out, so I couldn’t possibly be overweight.’ It means you have DO NOT have a gut, and DO have a neck, and hopefully abs. If you can’t look straight down and see your junk and your shoes…YOU ARE FAT. I’m a small girl. A small ATHLETIC, PHYSICALLY FIT girl. A 200+ lb man could squish me like a bug. Keep looking. And do some sit-ups.

Intelligent=This is a tricky one, so I’ll use small words. It means she wants someone who is smart, witty, literate (can read), and educated (went to school past 12th grade, preferably not a trade school) in some form or another. Sending an email with many misspelled words, no punctuation, capitalization, or anything resembling grammar is bad. So is just sending a photo of your junk. Have you ever seen an ad that says send me a photo of your cock? From a woman? No. If you did, here’s a clue, it wasn’t a woman, it was some gay guy who is getting off on it right now as you read this. Nice visual, huh? For god sake use spell check you lazy bastard. If you don’t care enough to even do that, what does that say about how you’ll treat me? I do not profess to be perfect in this area, all you grammar Nazis, as I have gotten way to dependant on spell check, but I know how to capitalize the beginning of a sentence and proper nouns at least.

Attractive=If female family members are the only ones who have told you that you are, you’re not. If in doubt, you're not, or you're insecure, which is also not attractive. Put your photo up on that ‘hot or not’ site. If you’re not at least an 8, move on down the list. If I say I’m attractive, and you should be to, don’t embarrass yourself by sending a bad/grainy photo and think I’ll be impressed by your wit instead. Hot chicks only date not-hot guys on TV, or if they are very rich. You’re not either, and you know it. Don’t waste people’s time, it’s bad computer karma, and you will probably get a virus or a lot of spam, and possibly because I will send it to you for wasting my time.

Sense of humor=funny, meaning impress her with your wit as much as possible in your email. Hello? First impressions! Again, not by sending a photo of your junk. While penises are funny, in general, I don’t think that is something that you want her laughing at. But we do. It’s not nearly as impressive as you think it is.

29-39 years old=This does not mean 25 (which is less than 29) or 45 (which is more than 39). I can agree that age is relative, but you only really have 1-3 years of fudge here, and ONLY if you really match the rest of her criteria. And you look and act like you are within the specified age range. If you get carded for beer or don’t get carded for your senior discount, don’t bother.

$ecure=Have a career, not a ‘job,’ or maybe a trust fund. This is easily misunderstood (or maybe not) as the sign of a gold digger, but could mean that she is financially $ecure herself, and doesn’t want to date a man who can’t keep up with her financially. Or it could mean that she is old fashioned and likes to be treated well and taken out to dinner. For things to work, she should reciprocate in some appropriate fashion, however that works out. This does not mean that she is a ‘money grubbing whore.’ I’m sorry you are not smart enough to be wealthy enough to qualify on this count, go take it out on your fellow Walmart associates. For those of you who are now tempted to email me in righteous anger, go read Desmond Morris’ ‘The Human Zoo’ and then compose a 300-word argument against his arguments.

Like the Arts, Finer Things In Life, Dancing, Theater, Dressing Up, Eating Out, Spoiling Your Special Someone=This does not mean the ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ velvet painting on your wall, sandpaper, only while drunk with a stripper, went only because you had a gun to your head or wanted to get laid, wore a tie to your grandmothers funeral once (put on by your Mom), or oral sex. It does mean, art galleries, museums, live music (without electric guitars and pyrotechnics), nice clothes, furniture, wine (not in a box), ballroom, tango, salsa and/or swing, and eating at a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive though, ball pit, menu on the wall, fluorescent lighting, ‘value meals’ or sporks. Spoiling does not mean giving her some cheese that went bad, or letting her have the last Mc Nugget, it means sending her flowers, buying her a nice dress you know she wants (and you think she would look good in), a CD of her favorite artist, breakfast in bed, drawing her a bath and bathing her yourself, candles around the house, and maybe travel or a weekend away on occasion.

No smoking, drugs, or kids=Means you don’t habitually put anything in your mouth and set it on fire and inhale, don’t put anything into your body that you wouldn’t do in front of your Mom, a Priest, or a Cop, and no offspring. To repeat, that means you have not stuck your junk that you like to take photos of, into some woman, and had a child come out 9 months later as a result. I don’t care if he/she/it is the most precious/intelligent/beautiful thing on the planet, so is my dog, but if he gives you hives, you wouldn’t care. Neither does she. I may want to have my own, I don't want to start in the middle with yours.

Independent=Send an email. Once. With one photo. Answer the questions you see as relevant. Don’t send another email in 3 days asking if she got the first. Don’t send your complete autobiography. This also means you’re over your ex, your Mom doesn’t do your laundry, you are perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of yourself. This is not secret girl code for send me a photo of your cock. Really.

Sexy=Confidence, attitude, and a great smile. This does not mean I am just looking for sex, or want sex on the first date, or want to have you IM me and ask me to picture you kissing me. This also does not mean I want to see your junk. News flash-anonymous cocks are NOT sexy to women. They pretty much all look the same. I know, you think that yours is special, and maybe knowing it attached to the rest of you, it is. Think of it like your child. All parents think that their kid is ‘special’ and ‘beautiful’ but obviously they all aren’t. The same is true with your junk.

Send a Photo=Send a photo of you so I can see what you look like, not how well the wide angle lens on your camera works. A recent photo. This does not mean send a photo and say ‘this was me before I shaved my head and lost 30lbs’ or a photo of you on your trip to the Grand Canyon, taken from the top, with you at the bottom. Somebody you know has a digital camera, have him or her take a shot of you for god sake. From within 10 feet. Without your ex-girlfriend that will have to be cropped out. Without a big hat, sunglasses, or strong backlighting either. If you wear a hat, we assume you are balding. Don’t bother asking for a photo if you haven’t sent one first. Don’t bother waiting for a reply if you haven’t sent one first either.

Now, all of you who will want to argue semantics, and that ‘beauty in the eye of the beholder’ crap, don’t bother. People know if I’m talking to you. I am stating these things because of all the 24 year old pimple faced, over-weight, e e cummings wanna-be students who replied to my last post. This is purely to help spare the other women out there from getting deluged with illiterate, self-deluded weirdoes. Quit it, you give personal ads a bad name. On that note, to any women who may be reading, STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE/WEIGHT/SIZE. When he asks for a photo, that means one taken within the last 6 months, and not before your thyroid problem flared up again, or after you applied your makeup with a spatula to cover up that birthmark. Spare yourself the embarrassment of having to be rejected in person. You ruin this for the rest of us as well.

If this has made sense to anyone out there, and you know exactly what I’m talking about, there is a 29 year old, attractive (hot), sexy (not a slut), funny, intelligent and witty white woman who might want to meet you. Send me a photo (not of your junk), I’ll send one back (not of my boobs) if I’m interested, and progress from there. I don’t date my friends, people in bars, or people I work with, so that takes out a big chunk of the people I meet. I also don’t want to be single around the holidays. It seems like it would suck, and I’m not anxious to experience it. Looking for fun now, and see where it leads.

Strong grasp of sarcasm a must.

Also, I am (really) not a bitch, bitter, angry or hate men. Really. See above line. Now apply it to my post. You will see it is quite funny. If not, then we obviously aren’t compatible and/or some of the things I said struck a little too close to home. Best of luck finding someone who deserves you.

this is in or around Seattle

post id: 51062069

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