Don't Tell Me How To Drive & Get Out Of My Way
1. "You can too make it into that driveway!" You say that when I tell you I'll high center. So, nooooo....you insist and I have to actually pull far enough in so you can HEAR the FUCKING scraping on the undercarriage. Weren't your drunk friends impressed by your "know-how"?
2. "Oh yeah, there's plenty of room for you to turn around down in our driveway" This after I have SPECIFICALLY asked if there WAS. Not only WASN'T there (wow..10 of my friends have their fucking cars parked there too..ooops!) but then I have to BACK a 35 foot fucking vehicle up and out of your fucking curvy, tree laden, one lane and unlit driveway into a major street. And then, THEN you have the balls to "offer" to spot me as I'm backing out into traffic. Next time I'll say "yes" sweetly and just run your lame balls over.
2. No, Limo's CAN'T bend to fit through drive thru's so you can have your fucking double cheese burger, fries and pukeshake at 2:30 am. And, even if they could, I'm not taking you there so you can vomit it all up in my limo after you've already drunk yourself "idiot".
3. Go ahead, stick your drunk, pencil necked, geeky assed head out of that sun roof while I'm doing sixty on the freeway. I NEED a moving violation like you NEED to lose you're head when I slam on the brakes because some fucking moron just cut me off because he's pissed at the world and there wasn't a semi truck bearing hazard placards close enough to do it to.
4. Have some class. Yelling, "Our Limo is better than YOURS" out the window at other limo's passing by doesn't count.
5. When I tell you to wait and let me open the door, that means you better fucking damn well WAIT AND LET ME OPEN THE DOOR. You may want to be someone's new hood ornament, but I'd rather not have to scrape your blood and guts off my door, thank you very much, drycleaning does get expensive.
6. And when I show up, please have a one liner BETTER than "Oh, are you tonights entertainment too?". DUH. You will NEVER have enough money in this lifetime. Repeat after me: NEVER!
7. Yes, that was my elbow in your gut when you grabbed my ass as one of your drunk friends distracted me...IMAGINE THAT! WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT!
8. Get a life. Don't HIT ON ME when you've got your woman with you. She may enjoy being your victim, but I don't.
9. And dont', DON'T tell me how BIG of a "tip" you're going to give me at the end of the night if I let you do things in the limo you're not allowed to do. Bigger, and better DICKS have tried BEFORE you.
10. I have given up my weekends for the last 8 years of my life to help PROVIDE a fucking service to this community - so DON'T ask me what I do for fun "ON WEEKENDS" when you're l-a-m-e-l-y attempting to get my number.
11. Yeah, sure, you're the MOST famous person I've ever driven! *wink wink*
12. And probably my all-time biggest fucking complaint of the world in general: Do you SEE MY BLINKER???? Yes, the one that I'm POLITELY using to signal that I NEED TO GET OVER..the one you blatantly IGNORE while you're steering your fucking low rider, god damn fucking rice burner, 3 cylinder, 13 inch wheeled p.o.s. into the side of MY LIMO while apparently HOPING you'll be able to see who's inside. The windows are FUCKING TINTED. YOU aren't going to SEE shit, so get the fuck out of my way so I can do my job safely.
And if you were ever in my limo...no, of course I wasn't talking about you.
this is in or around My Limo