Tips for making it to the Best of Craigslist
1) Say “fuck”, “fucking”, “motherfucking”, and “goddamn fucking shitballs” in every other sentence, but preferably in every sentence. Goddamn is needed once per paragraph.
2) Write a sardonic letter (a recent wanna-be BofCL poster wrote “Dear Metro Bus Driver” in a fruitless attempt to make it to the big leagues). The people responsible for allowing posts through the pearly gates and into the BofCL are suckers for these “cute” letters.
3) Make it a very long, boring story with HUGE words. By the time we’re done reading it, we are tricked into thinking it was really creative or funny, and usually both. Unfortunately it’s just an unwarranted diatribe in which the poster obviously used the thesaurus so as to add really cool, big words. And big words confuse us and therefore convince us that the poster is like, super duper smart.
4) Make a list. “Several things that piss the fuck out of my fucking goddamn self:”, or “Here are the people that I hate and why I hate them”.
5) Post an ad for a couch or bed and somehow associate it with sex. “This bed is missing a shitload of springs because I got laid in it over 300 times – so if you’re looking to get laid, this bed is for you”. Huh? That’s not funny. But they make it to BofCL.
6) Discuss mass transit, and the problems associated with it, or the things you observed on it. “My commute home on the subway and the things I saw”. You’re guaranteed a spot on BofCL with just that as a title.
7) Put “101” in the title and then act like you’re an online teacher giving CLers lessons. All you need are big words and swear words (see numbers 1 and 3).
8) Write about something you did or something that happened to you while in the shower. An already solid story somehow becomes a lot more funny when you put yourself in the shower. Sort of like in elementary school when the class clown told everyone to add the phrase "in bed" to the end of every sentence.
I write this because lately on rants and raves I’ve seen so many people trying to get their posting on BofCL (I picked on "Dear Metro Bus Driver", but there are so many, in other cities as well, who are just trying to make it to BofCL). Why? Do you get paid if you’re on there? Fame? A promotion? No. You don’t. No one will know who you are. The only thing you’ll get from being elected to the BofCL is personal satisfaction that will make you think that you are an excellent writer. Just write! Rant, rave, and tell us how you feel. Those are so much more fun.
I was going to rant about drivers who drive in the passing lane, but blah.