Originally Posted: 2004-06-21 2:17am
Help for guys on Craigslist, from a girl - 10 easy steps - w4m
I don't know what is wrong with society right now, what with everyone being obese, this crazy war going on, and shows like 'the Simple Life' being huge hits, but I can spot a problem on Craigslist in a minute. Why can't six thousand men?
I'm a cute, hip early-twenties girl who has no problem getting dates, but I'll admit to having posted on CL on a few occasions-- mostly just to meet a semi-attractive guy to fuck for the night without having to worry about awkward phone calls or having him gross up my bathroom every weekend afterwards. I can honestly tell my girlfriends that there really are attractive, sexy men on the internet up for grabs for a lonely, horny girl. It's worked, too, but only after hours (seriously) of wading through ridiculous and pathetic emails from the rest of you.
As much as you'd like to delude yourself into thinking you're a genius when it comes to what women want (you saw that Mel Gibson movie, right? Wow, you're all set), let me recommend a few simple things that I swear will get you further on Craigslist, and possibly in life. You probably need it.
DISCLAIMER: Since I posted this 8 hours ago, I've gotten a lot of great replies from guys thanking me for posting this... and a few from guys with small penises who take offense that a woman in the 21st century dares to open her mouth. So as a warning, if you believe in the concept of "penis envy" or have ever worn a gold pinkie ring, you probably don't want to read this posting. By all means, go ahead and do everything I tell you not to do in this post, but I promise that doing them will mean less probability of getting a girl on here, and doing a few will guarantee that you'll never, ever hook up through CL. And yes, I'm coy and sarcastic in real life, too.
- So you're horny and you need some ass. Cool, doesn't 99% of the male population? Exactly. And the other 1% are horny and need feet or goats or whatever. But women know this, don't care, and don't want to hear about it, so don't use it as your subject line. I have skipped over every "Lonely in Cap Hill, need pussy tonight" post I've ever seen, just because even the subject line says loads; if you're predictable and boring while begging for sex, you're probably just as predictable and boring in a lot of other areas. Plus, you're telling me that you need sex and getting that need fulfilled is the only thing on your agenda. What about my needs? Things like "tonight in Ballard" or "in town for the evening... hook up?" are equally boring.
- Okay, on to the posting. You've caught my attention with a playful "Like bed posts, silk ties and ice cubes?" or an ironic "Formerly gay guy wants to remember what sex was like.. with a woman" and I'm reading your post. I think the number one turn off that I've seen in most posts here is bad spelling and grammar. Picky bitch, you're thinking. Actually you probably thought something like 'pickie bicth LOLZ' but that's besides the point. With the exception of the president, nobody who sounds like an idiot ever gets anywhere-- not into cushy CEO jobs, not into the Senate, not into daytime infomercials, and certainly not into the bed of any halfway decent girl, especially not here.. have you noticed that the majority of w4m posts are well-written? Nobody wants to screw an idiot, which is what people who can't even write their native language sound like, and if you don't sound smart enough to locate Seattle on a map, chances are you'll probably stick it in the wrong hole. Obviously we can't all be English professors, but please! You're, your. There, their, they're. Goat, horse, donkey. Learn how to use them or go back to elementary school and try your luck there, where spelling doesn't matter and you can just push your date off the swings.
- You give what you get-- don't advertise that you're looking for a petite, HPW 18-21 year old tan blonde with big boobs and her own place unless you are a buff HWP 22 year old tan blonde with a big package and your own mansion. By all means, ignore this and try to get whatever you want, but please don't post again asking why no women ever reply to ads on CL. One of the great mysteries in life is why a lot of men seem to think they're entitled to certain things without having to work for them, and women have pretty much just resigned themselves to not knowing the answer, but knowing that any guy who expects more than he himself portrays is probably lazy and annoying. If you are fat, balding and hairy, you should probably 1) not rule out "fat, balding and hairy" from your list of qualities in a woman, whether or not that your ideal date or 2) keep your expectations high but not expect too many replies.
- This doesn't have to do with Craigslist exactly, but if you do somehow manage to get past the "I'm an ugly, lazy dude with too-high expectations" level and on to the "I'm an ugly, lazy dude with too-high expectations and a new perfect girlfriend with a 36D rack and an IQ of 180" level, do yourself a favor and don't be an asshole because that's the easiest way to lose this girl. For more reasons not to lose a great girlfriend, see the "fat, balding, hairy" section of #3.
- In the same vein, you need to give me something. Unlike 90% of the w4m posts here, I'm not looking for money or a sugar daddy, although I know a lot of guys get off on taking care of a girl. No, I want you to give me what you want me to give you: a hot body, great sex, maybe some biting. If you're game for giving the girl everything she wants, don't just say it, elaborate! Will you tie me up, piss on me, give me money or do you just want a no strings blowjob? Being specific helps, especially if you are looking for something specific.
- Out of the 10 serious boyfriends I've had, 2 did cunninglingus well. The other 8 helped me find time to make mental to-do lists and reflect on the book I had read the night before. When women read "let me eat your pussy, I will give you the best night of your life, blah blah" it's taken neutrally at best, and usually negatively, because it means you're cocky and probably bad at it. Don't fluff yourself up-- everyone on CL is taking a risk of bad sex, so we'll be able to find out for ourselves.
- Okay, so no woman has answered your annoying, arrogant and badly-written post, so you take to reading every w4m, w4mm, ww4m (yeah right) and even w4w that comes up. You think you've found the right girl and get ready to email her. But wait! Have you really found the right girl? Or, more correctly, do you think you're the right guy? In every post I've ever made, I've asked for something specific-- tattoos or tall or fat or a bodybuilder or bald or Siamese twins. And for every good response I get for each post, I probably get 5 more from guys who should not be responding-- no tattoos, short, skinny, a software engineer or a wooly mammoth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being any of these (I dated a software engineer for a few months and it was the best sex I ever had) BUT it's not what I'm looking for at the time! So, if a woman says she's only interested in guys 19-30, you 50 year olds should not be responding. Also, if a woman posts under w4w, she means it, so don't even bother. Women aren't that flexible (unless of course they say it specifically, in which case go for it) and will just delete your reply and, if they're like me, keep track of your email address to avoid hooking up with you in the future because you're annoying and answer every single post I ever make.
- I'm talking about you, LCOR51whatever at hotmail dot com.
- Same as above: don't reply to me if you can't write English. Or compose a sentence-- I've gotten some replies saying "yo wanna hook up call me 2nite by" and I wonder how these guys even turned on their computer. Even just running spell check quickly does wonders.
- Be descriptive. I like knowing what you look like, where you work, what your interests are, and any special fetishes you have, because it makes you 1) interesting and 2) less likely to be a serial killer.
- NO MORE DICK PICS. Seriously, I love having a penis filling me up anywhere it can be inserted, but I don't want to see it in my email. No woman does. Penises are kinda ugly, generally all look the same and ARE NOT A TURN ON, because women aren't turned on visually like men are by seeing breasts. That's why 98% of the visitors to porn sites are men. The only time women are turned on by penises is when they belong to Brad Pitt, or are a barely noticeable bulge behind a nice Armani suit or filthy construction-worker jeans since it leaves lots to the imagination. And trust me, women are forced to use their imaginations a lot when it comes to this area and we know what we're doing. So anyway, if you're going to fill up my inbox, why not do it with a recent, clothed picture of yourself so I can see your face-- after all, that's what I'll be looking at while I'm riding you, isn't it?
I hope this helped a little-- maybe there will be fewer ridiculous posts asking for HOT SEX needed 2nite!!!!! and more describing how you are going to tie me up and ravage me while using proper English and not making me look at your dick.
Now, if any nice guys are 25-45, HWP, and a executive or attorney who regularly wears a nice suit and has a BMW and/or downtown office to fuck me in, feel free to email me. I'm blonde, 34C and will suck your cock under your desk. The rest of you, your time will come-- I love bald guys, tattoos, and a little pudge now and then, but that's not what I'm looking for right now. So read #6 again and be patient.
this is in or around Seattle